9 Douchebags You’ll Find at a Baseball Game
Douchebags are everywhere these days. It seems you can’t go anywhere without some kind of encounter with them. But nowhere are they more ever-present than at a baseball game. There must be something about the national pastime that either calls to the d-bag or just brings out the d-bag in otherwise tolerable people. I don’t really care which case it is, I just wish they would adopt the MLS instead.
That said, it is with great displeasure that we bring you 9 Douchebags You’ll Find at a Baseball Game.
1. Sabermetrics Guy
He never played the game, but he knows the numbers inside out. He’s read Moneyball cover to cover twenty times. His name is Sylvester for Christ’s sake. This guy is the worst. The kicker is that he never shuts up about any of it. Between his pontificating about BABIP, EqAAR, DERA and other senseless acronyms, all you can think about is pouring an overpriced draft beer on his head and smashing him in the face with a novelty baseball bat. Next time you see him, try telling him this: “I’ve got a WHIP for you and it has nothing to do with ‘walks, hits and innings pitched’ and everything to do with extreme pain on your end.” Then enjoy the rest of the game in silence.
2. The Die Hard
He lives and dies for the team, which is fine, but to live and die for each ball or strike is going too far. After his team gives up a leadoff walk to start an inning he starts to have trouble breathing. When the runner steals second he becomes borderline suicidal. Then when the run comes around to score he nearly has a heart attack. And all this in the first inning. Unless you are trained in CPR you want nothing to do with this guy. On top of that, God forbid you incorrectly state a fact about the home team within earshot of him. The condescending correction coupled with the unsubtle insinuation that you are not a “real” fan is too much to bear coming from such a douche. Just remember that this is the only thing he has in his sad and pathetic life and it will make it much easier to enjoy the rest of the game.
3. The First Date Guy
He is more worried about impressing his mediocre date than watching the game, which would be fine if he would just shut the hell up once in a while. During key come-from-behind rallies, all you can hear is his conversation about how he is thinking of going for a master’s degree and how much he loves cats. Here’s a tip, pal: if you want to impress the ladies, don’t try so hard and definitely don’t lie about loving cats. Even the ladies know that only total pussies love cats. Also, annoyed baseball fans around you know this too and there is nothing worse for securing a second date than being annihilated by a total stranger in the row behind you.
4. The Foreigner
Look, I would be the worst person in the world to sit next to at a soccer (sorry, football) match in Europe. I would complain about how boring it is, ask a hundred times why they don’t get rid of the offside rule and probably start one of those deadly stadium brawls you hear about every so often. So guess what? I don’t go to soccer matches in Europe. But the same courtesy is not extended by our Eurotrash friends from across the pond. If you didn’t grow up with baseball I don’t expect you to understand it, but you do have to respect it. Standing up and dancing to techno music in between innings is not preferred, but it is tolerable. Doing it in the bottom of the 9th in a tie game with music in your iPod is a great way to release the inner-Revolutionary War soldier hidden inside of me. Bayonets have come a long way since then.
5. The Idiot
He is the guy that openly asks things like, “How many points do they have?” or “Why did the referee do that?” It is uncertain what went wrong in his youth that he didn’t learn the simplest of baseball terminology, but regardless of the reason, the guy is a douche for the plain and simple fact that he made it to adulthood and never figured it out. In all likelihood this is also the guy that waits through a green light in the left turn lane, can’t figure out the self-service line at Home Depot and votes in all the wrong candidates for office. In short, he’s an idiot and someone you would never deal with. Unfortunately, the gods are angry with you and put him right next to you in seat 103 at a sold out game. With nowhere to go, your only option is to spill a soda on him every inning until he finally gives up and goes home.
6. The Beach Ball Fan*
While you are trying to watch the game this guy is standing up in front of you with his back to the field screaming, “Over here!” in the direction of a 99 Cent Store beach ball twenty rows away. His infatuation with the beach ball and complete disregard for both the game and those around him make him a candidate for the elite status of “Douchiest Fan,” but with so much competition such a title would be almost impossible to award. Just the same, the world would be a better place if this guy did not exist. *It is important to note that children 12 and under get a pass on this, but if you ever see a 13 year-old acting this way do him a favor and smack him upside the head and tell him to grow up. Someday he’ll thank you for it.
7. The Yankee Fan
It is a meaningless late September game in Pittsburgh between the Pirates and the Diamondbacks. You would think that a Yankee fan would have something better to do, but you would be wrong because there he is, dressed to the nines in his Yankee gear douching it up for all to see. The Yankees are a proud franchise and I don’t blame their fans for supporting the team, but it is unnecessary and incredibly douchebaggy to do so in another stadium and in a league that the Yankees don’t even play in. Yet, go to enough ballgames and you will see them there in all their glory, which is to say you will see them acting the fool and embarrassing the franchise. But what else would you expect from a franchise that bought every championship they ever won?
8. The Businessman
I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he had to rush from work straight to the game, but when some asshole sits down in a designer suit and gets on his cell right away loudly working “deals” that sound more made up that real, I as a fan have a real problem. Fortunately there is no shortage of mustard in big league ballparks and there is nothing more satisfying than “accidentally” dropping a mustard-soaked napkin onto this guy’s overpriced suit. Sure, a lot of whining and thinly-veiled threats of a lawsuit will follow, but the crowd will have your back. In the end, you will be satisfied that when it was all said and done, you were the one that was taking care of business, not him.
9. The WaveMaker™
This a-hole’s sole purpose in life is to start “the wave” and get at least one full spin around the whole stadium. The fact that he is in the top deck does not deter him. The constant screams of “down in front!” do nothing but strengthen his resolve. He is a man on a mission, however misguided that mission may be. At first there are a few willing participants, mostly juvenile. However, after four or five attempts the crowd turns on him. He gets hostile and starts screaming at the masses about how they are all “jerks” and he starts trying even harder. Eventually stadium security is called and he is hauled away and order is restored. Then, an inning later the wave inevitably rolls across the stadium started by a couple of ten-year olds sitting in the bleachers… the way it is supposed to be done.