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9 Sideline Reporters Who’ve Probably Been Texted a Dong Pic
Being a sideline reporter is a pretty thankless gig. You’re a woman in a man’s world, you’re cute, so you’ve got every guy watching making crass comments, you get blown off by players and coaches moving to and from their locker rooms, and even though you prep your ass off, everyone assumes you’re there for your looks.
And, thanks to technology, it somehow gets worse. No, I’m not talking about the horrors of HD on Hannah Storm’s face. I’m talking about getting illicit photo messages from players during off-hours. This allegedly happened to Jets’ sideline reporter Jenn Sterger (above), and the culprit was none other than that rock of ethical integrity, Brett Fav-ruh. To make a long story short, Favre supposedly sent her a picture of his dong when he was a Jet. And according to her, he wasn’t the only one.
Such unwanted advances against these sideline reporters in the high-testosterone world of sports must come fast and furious, which leads us to the question, “Who else of the sideline crew are the most likely to get hit with these dong messages?” Well, let’s take a look.
9. Jill Arrington
Jill worked for both Fox doing NFL work, then ESPN doing college football work during much of the last decade, which means she could have very well been THE FIRST EVER SIDELINE REPORTER TO RECEIVE A DONG PIC. I used all CAPS ‘cause it’s a really big deal. She also is among the hottest sideline reporters ever, which does nothing but increase her chances of getting hit with dong pic after dong pic.
In my mind, she’s retired and sitting on her porch, drinking sweet tea, cell phone continuing to buzz incessantly (In my imagination, when people retire, they immediately turn 80 and live on Southern plantations). More importantly, I hope that she appreciates that that she was just doing her job, and every time we send her a pornographic text message, we are just doing ours.
If you are a man and have sent Cheryl Miller a wiener pic, may I suggest you pick someone else on this list to pursue? She’s not your target market.
7. Holly Rowe
ESPN’s ace sideline reporter Holly Rowe probably gets it a lot worse than her peer Erin Andrews. And with good reason. Holly seems attainable. She’s got the girl-next-door quality. She looks like a cute SEC sorority girl that’s still working off the last five of the freshman fifteen.
She also looks like that girl we all knew in college that drank too much, hooked up with everyone we knew and drove a white Mustang convertible. Don’t act like you don’t know EXACTLY who I’m talking about.
Holly got pulled up to the ESPN’s college football A-team last season amid Erin’s hiatus, so if it hadn’t happened to her before, good lord, it happened to her last season. Not only cause she was there, but because she strikes me as the type to not necessarily write off the pic right away. I could see her waiting in the Admiral’s Club, getting the text, evaluating, then saving it in a folder on her Blackberry titled “Maybe”.
Holly, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry.
6. Pam Oliver
Oh Jeez. Here we go. Let’s start easy. Pam’s an attractive lady with a high-profile job that attracts a fair amount of male attention. She’s gonna be subjected to the same things every other attractive sideline reporter is going to be subjected to. But my guess is that she doesn’t smile nervously and demurely put her phone away. Nuh-uh. She gets loud and vocal and goes on the offensive. Am I saying this just cause she’s black? Yup. I’m saying that cause she’s black.
Let’s say Ryan Leaf gets a co-signer and gets himself a camera phone. He hit’s up his old pal Pam from back in the day with a nice, well-lit photo of his dong. In about 48 seconds, he can probably expect this reply:
I KNOW YOU DIDN’T JUST COME AT ME WITH THAT TINY-ASS VIENNA SAUSAGE DONG, WHITE BOY!!!! I SHOWED THAT TO MY CREW AND WE ALL THINK THAT’S THE MOST (cont 1/2)
(cont 2/2) BUSTED-ASS TINY PECKER WE’VE EVER SEEN. IF I WANTED TO SLEEP WITH THAT SHIT, I’D GET BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BOY JIMMY FROM ND. P.O…OUT!
Or something like that. These are all hypothetical.
5. Maria Sansone
She’s 29 years old and pretty much the hottest sideline reporter out there. It is crazy to think that right now, she isn’t getting hit up by Michael Irvin crotch shots so often that her phone is about to explode.
HOWEVER, her rotation with ESPN has largely been a mystery that only some sort of NSA code-breaker could figure out. She’s on like once a month, usually covering something like the Rutgers spring scrimmage. Her appearances on national sports broadcasts should be as certain as death and taxes.
There is no reason she shouldn’t be on the Thursday night ESPN game. It’s crap. Right now that’s Erin Andrews’ spot, which is just as mind-blowing. Here’s how this should work, as an aside:
* Move Holly Rowe from the Saturday primetime game to the second biggest Saturday game (preferably for SEC teams)
* Give Erin the throne that is rightfully hers and put her on the Saturday primetime game.
* Put young Maria Sansone on the Thursday night games and keep her in a little picture-in-picture box at all times.
* Execute all male sideline reporters in college football. It’s just backwards and awful.
Maria will get the exposure (so to speak) that she so desperately deserves.
4. Michelle Tafoya
You now that scene in American Pie where the one kid gets accused of fucking a grapefruit? Michelle Tafoya’s kind of like that grapefruit. She seems cold, reserved, and a little inhuman, all of which attracts a certain type of fan (read: stalker).
Flashers in the park operate the same way that Michelle Tafoya fans operate. The thrill is exposing themselves to something, rather than what may become of the exposure.
I could see Michelle Tafoya leaving the Linc after an Eagles games, getting into a Town Car, when her phone buzzes. She looks at the picture and says to herself, “That appears to be John Elway’s penis”. She would put her phone away, then remove a cat from her purse, unhinge her jaw, and consume it whole.
I’m not here to judge, but it takes a special kind of man to love that. And I know they’re out there.
Let me counter that by saying that (at least) 10% of this country is gay. And half of them are men. And I’m going to take a stab and say that 15% of those gay guys are into “bears”. And Tony Siragusa is, make no mistake about it, a bear. He also gets more exposure and airtime than anyone else because he’s on Fox NFL Sunday. So let’s do some math:
15mm gay men
2.25mm gay men into bears
And I’m gonna say that not all gay men into bears know who Tony Siragusa is, so let’s take 40% of the above number.
900k bear lovin’ men out there who have watched or do watch Tony Siragusa for 20 Sundays per year.
And you don’t think he’s gotten at least one dong pic sent to him? You’re living in a dream world, man.
2. Suzy Kolber
She probably received the most unwelcome picture message from anyone, ever, shortly after her embarrassing interview with Broadway Joe Namath over the PA system (and on live TV) while he was being honored to the NY Jets’ 40th anniversary squad.
Here’s a quick summation of what went down:
Poor Suzy just wanted to know how Joe felt about being inducted into this pseudo-elite group when he responds with “I wanna kiss you.” Hmm. Fair enough. She’s cute. Everyone’s allowed to make a Freudian slip. Broadway Joe goes on about what an honor it is, then ends his reply with “I wanna kiss you!” (exclamation his, not mine).
Joe blamed alcoholism, apologized to Suzy, and stayed out of the limelight. But all that happened the next day. You better believe that later that night, Suzy was staring at the business end of a 60 year-old dingus. It was probably wearing a tiny fur coat.
1. Erin Andrews
I’ll be honest. I texted Erin Andrews six dong pics just while I was typing that introduction. Doing college sports may have shielded her for a while, but even then, she’s just too damn hot and too damn high-profile to not fantasize about. And with these fantasies come, well, pictures of the fantasizer’s dicks. I’m not saying it’s fair, but it happens.
The nice part is that she is so well prepped for her coverage of games that she could probably take one look and know exactly whose member that is. Does it have a bible verse on it? Hi, Tim Tebow! Is the dong in the hands of a ridiculously hot girlfriend? That’s Colt McCoy! Is it really, really, really small? Hey, Jimmy Clausen!
College players may not have the game or egos yet to start hitting her up with filthy pics, but once you get your ass on Oprah and Dancing with the Stars, you better believe that Jamarcus Russell has a lot of free time on his hands. Keep fighting the good fight, Erin.