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9 Sports Jerseys You’ll Probably Find at the Thrift Store

by: Howard Cosmell On  Thursday, August 12, 2010

thrift-store
Sports jerseys are a funny thing. Those who choose to buy them shell out $200+ for an authentic jersey of their favorite player and wear it all over town with intense pride. Then, when the player leaves town, changes his number or doesn’t pan out they cast it aside like a used condom. They literally flip the switch from love to hate in the blink of an eye. From there, the jersey inevitably finds it way to an impoverished country in Africa or your local thrift store. Since we are fairly sure most of our readers don’t reside in Africa, we’ll concentrate our focus on the ones that end up in the thrift store.

9. Partially Burned Cavs Jersey
james-jerseyLittle did the makers of LeBron James’ Cavaliers jersey know that they would need to fortify the fabric with a flame retardant to ensure longevity. Alas, post “Decision,” that is the only thing that could have possibly saved the thousands of torched LeBron jerseys in the state of Ohio.

On a side not, government bailout money remains the only thing left to ensure longevity for the thousands of retardants residing in Cleveland.

8. Mike Piazza Florida Marlins Jersey
Piazza marlinsThe love affair with Florida and Mike Piazza was clearly fleeting, as it only lasted one week before he was traded to the Mets. However, for five magical games and 18 wondrous at-bats, the hopes and dreams of South Florida hung on the performance of one Mr. Michael Joseph “Mike” Piazza. Actually, that’s not true. Florida barely noticed and a week later he landed in the Big Apple, but not before the Marlins marketing department rolled out a run of Mike Piazza jerseys…probably. And I’ll bet they’re at a thrift store near you right now! Maybe.

7. David Beckham LA Galaxy Jersey
beckEven the thought of writing about this makes me yawn, much like my reaction to the news that David Beckham was coming to play soccer in the USA. Better known stateside as the husband of that Spice Girls chick, Beckham came… saw… and got conquered. I think he got paid a bunch of money and probably hung out in some sweet Hollywood clubs, but that’s about all that happened. Well, now he’s gone, but those jerseys remain the only sign that he was ever even here.

6. Ryan Leaf Jersey
nfl_a_leaf_600Ryan Leaf was a colossal dick. I mean, on draft day, these were his words: “I’m looking forward to a 15-year career, a couple of trips to the Super Bowl and a parade through downtown San Diego.” Well, it’s almost 15 years later, and he may well end up with a 15-year career selling insurance or something, he’s probably attended a couple of Super Bowls as a spectator, but who knows or cares if he has been to a parade in downtown San Diego. But on a positive note, if he ever wants to relive the old days he can get a killer discount on his old jersey at the Salvation Army.

5. Darko Milicic Jersey
pistonsThe people of Detroit have had it hard lately. Not only are they stuck in Detroit, but the economic crisis hit them square between the eyes with Ivan Drago-like force. Luckily, in 2003, they were given a lesson in disappointment that would help prepare them for what was to come. His name was Darko Milicic and he was the Piston’s first round pick that year. He went second overall and after him, in order: Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. His failure was enough to make you want to flush your Milicic jersey down the toilet, but clogged pluming would only add to your problems, so you gave it to a homeless guy. But he didn’t want it either and now it’s in a downtrodden Detroit thrift store collecting dust and moths.

4. Duke Lacrosse Jersey
dukeMost people don’t want to wear anything that loudly pronounces, “I support those who allegedly rape strippers!” Sure, there are you outliers that do, but for the most part people shy away from things like that. Even though the Duke players accused of stripper-rape (as opposed to regular rape) were exonerated, the court of public opinion isn’t very good at following up on sensational news stories and most people figure the allegations were fact (thanks Al Sharpton). To these people, Duke Lacrosse equals stripper-rape. To strippers, Duke Lacrosse jerseys equal no lap dances. Therefore, in the Carolinas, the result is a lot of Duke Lacrosse jerseys at Good Will outlets and a steady pace of lap dances in the strip clubs.

3. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart Jersey
hateAh, the XFL. It’s a shame the league didn’t make it because for all of its flaws, it did bring us some solid memories like Rod “He Hate Me” Smart. According to www.all-xfl.com (who is still paying the internet hosting for that?) his nickname was chosen because he used that to get pumped up before the game. He looked at his coach and said, “Yeah, he hate me.” Then he looked at his opponents and said, “They hate me, and they are going to hate me more when I run all over them today.” Well Rod, I hate to tell you this, but we loved you. However, your Las Vegas Outlaws jersey was a bit played out after about 2003, and so it had to go. Feel free to hate us for that.

2. Jamarcus Russell Jersey
rusRaider fans don’t let go easily. I mean, think about it. They still root for the Raiders. They are die-hard, so you have to be especially terrible to get them to ditch your jersey. Well, Jamarcus Russell is especially terrible. One of the greatest first overall busts of all-time (remember, Ryan Leaf was the #2 overall behind Peyton Manning) Russell took an already terrible organization to new lows. Next, he will do the same with Taco Bell.

1. Randall Gay Jersey
gayPerhaps it was a gift from a well-meaning aunt. Maybe it was something you bought as a joke when you were wasted at the stadium. Or perhaps it was some other bizarre circumstance that led to you owning a jersey that said, in big capital letters, “GAY” on the back of it. Whatever the case, you decided that it wasn’t sending the message you wanted the world to hear when you walked into a room, so you ditched it. And now it is the problem of the thrift store as it hangs alone on the rack, awaiting a flamboyant homosexual on the lookout for an ironic outfit to wear out to “Flame,” the hot new nightclub on the outskirts of town that you are completely unaware of. But until then, it waits…and waits…and waits…




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