The Daily Gambling Fix 9/3/10 – Jessica Biel
9 Douchebags You’ll Find In Your Fantasy Football League
It is estimated that there are nearly 30 million fantasy football players in the United States. We estimate that at least 20 million of them are total douchebags. While this may not statistically run too far out of line with the general population, it does seem that fantasy football has a tendency to bring out the doucheiest behavior in people that might otherwise be completely tolerable.
So in honor of the start of another fantasy season, we present to you 9 douchebags you’ll find in your fantasy league.
1. The Defending Champ
Last year lady luck was on his side and now he’s convinced he’s a genius. He can’t stop talking about how he “called it” last year with Jamaal Charles and crediting his “scouting department” with drafting Ray Rice in the 8th round. This guy in insufferable and the worst thing is that this douche cashed your check. However, his overconfidence will come back to bite him this year and you’ll have plenty of ammunition to throw back in his face about the failures of his “scouting department” when he finishes 2010 in last place.
2. Mr. Nostalgia
He drafted Ricky Williams in the second round. He took Tony Gonzales as the first TE off the board. Hell, he even drafted Priest Holmes “just in case.” It’s not entirely clear if he accidentally drafted with a 2006 Fantasy Football magazine as his guide or if he is just a complete moron. Actually, it really doesn’t make much difference either way. Joey Galloway is the youngest player on his roster and he drafted Kerry Collins to back up Brett Favre at QB. He’s a douche, but you welcome him into your league because year in and year out he has no shot at winning but dutifully pays his league fees on time.
3. The Family Man
He is a great guy by most accounts, but as a fantasy football league-mate he’s a real drag. Because his wife is always monitoring his online activity he is always calling for the other owners to tone-down the language and misogynistic nature of their posts. He cries for a league-wide ban on pornographic images as team photos. He also forgets to pick up a back-up kicker during a bye week and loses by two points to the guy you’re chasing for a playoff spot because he had a back-to-school night or something. The worst thing is that he started the league ten years ago and back then he was a raging alcoholic who enforced the integrity of the league by ruling with an iron fist against those who “pussed out” in any way, shape or form. Back then he would have been the one to write this list. Now he’s not even aware that there is a list because he has a diaper to change… his own.
4. The Co-Owner
Lacking the balls to either shell out the cash for the league fees or to trust themselves at the helm of an imaginary franchise, this guy is one of the douchiest on this list. Trying to make a trade with him is like trying to get your newlywed buddy to commit to a three day weekend out of town. He has to check with his partner and invariably they are unable to agree on the trade value of packaging Cadillac Williams so the deal dies. The Co-Owner also tends to be a combination of at least one other douche on this list making him even worse as a member of your league. If you have one of these in your league, consider implementing a Proposition 8-like rule that disallows two dudes from formally uniting.
5. The Professor
Sure, he’s good at fantasy football, but you would be to if you spent half the time this guy does researching players. There are NFL general managers that don’t put in the hours this guy does. While this isn’t d-baggy on its own (although it is pathetic) it is his insistence on “educating” the rest of the league that crosses the line. He criticizes every waiver wire move and writes pointless, unfunny analysis of weekly matchups that no one reads. Fortunately, his over-analysis usually ends up costing him a championship when he benches Peyton Manning to start Matt Ryan because of the matchup, home/away ratio and Monday Night Football jinx. That’s when you get to pronounce him as nothing more than a Teacher’s Aide.
6. The Name Changer
Never one to pass on a pun, this guy is a nuisance to leagues across the nation. Whether it is “The Name Changer” as a play on words for “The Game Changer” or some variation of a player’s name like “Moss’ Rolling Stone” or “Brady’s Bunch,” this guy thinks it is hilarious that every week he has a new name for the rest of the league to appreciate. In reality, the rest of the league just despises him and thinks he’s a total idiot, which he is.
7. The TE/K/Defense Specialist
He needs massive upgrades at QB, RB and WR, but instead he keeps adding and dropping Tight Ends, Kickers and Defenses. You try to help him out by ridiculing his roster moves on a weekly basis, but all it does is make him more, pardon the pun, defensive. While he is a douche, much like Mr. Nostalgia he is a welcome addition to any league because he serves as a free ATM for the rest of the teams that actually know how to manage a roster.
8. The Leprechaun
Lucky doesn’t begin to describe this guy’s run in 2007. He drafted Tom Brady as a backup to Carson Palmer. He autodrafted Willie Parker and Marques Colston in the final rounds of the draft. He didn’t make one transaction the whole year, but he didn’t have to because he was stacked and won the league in a landslide. Sure, he returned to mediocrity the following year but that sonofabitch douchebag robbed you of a championship that was rightfully yours after a season of injuries overcome, perfectly timed trades and amazing waiver wire claims. He blew you out in the first round of the playoffs with his dumb-luck roster of surprise Pro Bowlers. That bastard.
The A9. busive Sh*t Talker You’ve Never Met
He is someone’s cousin or something and lives in a state other than your own. His taunts always cross the line and your mother is often referenced in a negative light. His team isn’t good, but it isn’t bad – it’s just there as a means for him to direct his hostility upon total strangers in a relentless fashion. When it’s all said and done and the season winds down, he may have called you a faggot, bitch, pussy, assmuncher, sissy fag boy, ballmonger, dick-licker and fart lover, but in the end the only thing that really matters is that he is an absolute douchebag.