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9 Douchebags Wearing Starter Jackets
Few things are more comical than outdated fashions. And while someone’s high school yearbook photo from 1976 might have them in an afro and a corduroy jacket, it’s far funnier to see people in the ridiculous fashions of the recent past. One prime example of this is the Starter jacket, which were generally huge, bright nylon coats worn on sidelines and, subsequently, in rap videos. It was only a matter of time until the made their way to the mainstream. And although they are only about 13 or so years outdated, these pictures might as well have been taking during the dark ages because this fashion trend dated so quickly.
1. Tony Dungy
Dungy was the defensive coordinator for the Minnesota Vikings in the early 90’s, which was the golden age for Starter jackets. Any notion that Starter jackets were ever cool can effectively be dismissed with this photo. Add the matching hat and Poindexter glasses and he looks fresh off the floor of a Mervyn’s back-to-school sale.
Also, the similarities between Dungy and Tim Duncan are uncanny. The half-beard, the awkward smile, and gangly composition all sync the duo up perfectly. It’s also a safe assumption that if Tim Duncan wasn’t a superstar basketball player, he would probably be rocking those glasses and this outfit today in 2010.
Now the notion of whether or not Dungy is a d-bag may have been up for debate a few years ago, but since his stint on Sunday Night Football began, all doubt is removed. His inability to blink like a normal human being is probably the most disconcerting characteristic of any sports host around today, possibly ever.
I would want my face cropped out of this pic, too. While the Lakers have always been a popular team, and fans will continue to wear their colors, one can’t underestimate the strong marriage between early 90’s fashion and neon, pastel, and fluorescent colors. Lakers purple certainly falls under that umbrella.
While this guy doesn’t have a face for us to deconstruct, he still leaves us no shortage of ammunition against him. His stance makes him look like a Bugle Boy ad the jumped off the page. He is master of all he surveys, even if it is only a field party with 40 teenagers drinking Strawberry Hill and listening to Technotronic.
Finally let us address the proverbial elephant in the room, the Native American choker necklace. Why? I guess this thing was de rigueur at the time, as I remember lots of white dudes wearing Malcolm X hats and Cross Colors clothing. However, just because a lot of people are doing it doesn’t mean it’s not extremely stupid, like Uggs or skinny jeans.
Well, I don’t think I need to explain why these guys (especially the guy in the Bama jacket) must be described as “douchebags”. Besides throwing out a greeting to any and all Vulcans that might view these pictures, they take posturing to a new level with some sort of duck-lipped mugging coupled with an odd neck-stretching exercise. Sadly, the guy in the back right misunderstood the assignment and is doing his best impersonation of a turtle.
These guys appear to be the deep south’s answer to the Jersey Shore, as they are undoubtedly in the process of working out a system to all chip in and buy a used Escalade they can all share. Turtle boy gets it on Mondays.
4. 2 Live Crew
It’s no surprise to see 2 Live Crew decked out in matching green Starter satin jackets, as they are from Miami and have a closer relationship with the Hurricanes than any other band has with a team, save for Dropkick Murphy’s and every Boston team and Jon Bon Jovi and whatever the hell his arena football team is called.
I used to like 2 Live Crew. Because they were censored and arrested, I thought they were dangerous and cool. I was wrong about everything. Twenty years later, their music is borderline unlistenable and Luther Campbell has all but admitted paying Miami athletes in the late 80’s and is now a pornographer and the stock for his umbrella corporation is still holding strong at a penny.
Starter jackets seem to be like jean shorts – if you have at any time worn them at any time in your life, you will probably never experience a modicum of success.
Here’s a picture of Jaromir Jagr doing tai chi in a Starter jacket in a hockey arena. There’s not a single not-douchey thing going on in that last sentence. The mullet indicates that not only is he a douchebag, but he’s probably the nozzle and hose as well. The best part of hockey is that the players are so international that you get to see things that were NEVER popular in the US worn by people who are acting like they’re God’s gift to handsome.
Maybe in the 80’s some Americans were rocking a similar hairstyle, but never with this much volume and never, never with this much pride. I bet this guy’s hair was the toast of his high school class in the Czech Republic.
6. Al Davis
Cryptkeepers can be douchebags too. Al “Just win baby” Davis proves it. No other owner/GM has developed such a reputation for mediocrity and shittiness while at the same time cultivating a fan base that is largely situated in both federal and state prisons. Jerry Jones may have given him a run for his money a few years ago, but now Davis stands alone.
Also, it’s a little odd having an owner, let alone one of Davis’ indeterminate age (173?) on this list. Starter jackets were largely worn by, you know, athletes and young people, not geriatric goblins, but I guess those frosty Oakland nights drove the Raiders’ owner to necessity. Al Davis wears so much black, it begs the question, what will he be buried in? Fuchsia? White? Nothing? Gross.
7. Female Charlotte Hornets Fan
Is it just me, or did the Hornets seem to capture a disproportionately large segment of the Starter jacket market? At first glance, it would appear that this young lady is simply wearing some guy’s jacket probably due to inclement weather. As bright and loud as these things were, while researching this piece, I came across many testimonials claiming that Starter jackets kept them very, very warm and comfortable.
One guy even claimed they stopped bullets while he was wearing it. I’m not joking.
While this girl is probably not in danger of getting caught up in a drive-by anytime soon, I beginning to doubt that she is borrowing the jacket from anyone. I think that her expression while wearing the jacket is the giveaway. If it was snowing/raining/cold outside, and I needed to borrow a teal and purple Charlotte Hornets starter jacket, I would not be wearing a giant smile on my face. My expression would best be described as “thinly veiled frustration and sadness.”
I’ll be honest: I don’t really have the slightest idea what’s going on here. This gentleman thought that a strong or practical fashion decision would be to layer his blue Dallas Cowboys Starter jacket under his super-cool motorcycle jacket. I’m baffled by what his endgame is. I suppose it’s to stay warm while riding his hog, but, dude, get a sweater. You look like an insane person.
And so help me, if this guy DOESN’T own a motorcycle, then there’s a special spot in fashion hell reserved for him.
What’s so difficult about hipsters and ironic fashion is that you can’t tell if this picture was taken in 1992 of genuine people wearing their Starter jackets, in 2004 with woefully misguided people still wearing Starter jackets, or in 2009 by a swarm of hipsters wearing them ironically. Sadly, I’m led to believe it’s the latter, as Douchebag A (the one on the left) is rocking a pretty extreme mustache that was definitely not fashionable at any time during the Starter era. This fine piece of work is also rocking blue jeans while skiing, which is pretty much the worst idea in the history of mankind and makes you look completely out of place, like a guy running a marathon in a golf outfit.
Whatever the case is, we should be extremely comfortable making fun of these guys.