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Maybe Next Year: The 9 Worst Sports Cities in America (To Visit)
5. Oklahoma City
I don’t really know what to say about OKC, other than the fact it’s in the most unremarkable state in the Union. The Thunder are selling out left and right, but that’s like saying you have the most profitable lemonade stand in the desert. Beyond that, I can honestly say that no one knows what else to do in the capitol of OK. I’m sure they have some reasonably priced restaurants, a bar that probably plays some decent 80’s music, and maybe some walking tours that highlight Kevin Durant’s luxury condo ($1100/month) which would also feature some local faves including his parking spot and the intersection at which he gave a bum $5 but declined to shake his hand afterward. OKC fever….CATCH IT!
Well, no one can accuse Seattle of falling in the “good weather, bad sports” category. That’s why we created for them the “bad weather, bad sports” category, which is somehow worse. Obviously, the big folly here is losing the Sonics, the blame of which it is not my job to place, but the fact remains that they’re gone and they’re not coming back. Losing a pro team will shoot you straight up the charts on this list, and Seattle has proven that they have the technology to pull off that stunt. Their ratio of 105 pro sports seasons to 1 championships isn’t setting any records, and I don’t think Jake Locker in the Heisman hunt is likely to garner THAT much interest on the college front, so if you’re getting your ass to the Pacific northwest, suffice it to say that you better love salmon and coffee more than you do electric sports atmospheres.
Uhhhh…if you’re traveling and feel compelled to stop in Buffalo, let’s hope you have family there or it’s on your way to Niagara Falls. They’ve got the Bills who are most recently 0-4 in Super Bowl appearances, and the Sabres who are rocking about 40 seasons without a title. Yeah, they’ve got the wings, but so does that shitty sports bar down the street from you. The difference isn’t that great, so put the money you would have spent driving or flying to Buffalo and put it towards your kid’s braces. Seriously. His teeth are effed up.
When your best team was the house that McGrady and Yao Ming built, you know you’re probably screwed. The Texans are rising up the ranks, but the city is still (rightfully) ashamed of losing their Oilers to…Nashville? The Astros have reared their heads a few times in the postseason, but have yet to do anything terribly sensational. The word on the wire is that they’re about to lose Nolan Ryan and Mike Scott, so look for a few holes in their rotation going forward. As a Super Bowl city, Houston demonstrated it was lacking in a few areas, such as “number of taxis” and “the ability to get from a game to an after-party in under a goddamn hour”. However, what it lacks in ease and championship-caliber teams, it more than makes up for in “making your cigarette go limp the second you step outside due to ungodly levels of humidity,” which is pretty important.
1. Los Angeles
What’s left to say when the second-largest city in America can’t hold a football team? Not much apparently, as the folks in LA barely made a peep as their teams were shipped off way more than a decade ago. The basketball games there are more status than sport with $50 valet parking and most people showing up fashionably late in the 2nd quarter. The college scene in LA wasn’t bad with USC ruling the roost the past few years, but their two-year bowl ban effectively ended their relevancy until at least 2015. It’s still a great place to visit on the whole, but for sports, there are dozens of other cities more in touch with their teams. But if you want to flip cars and start fires, book your travel plans for mid-June for the Lakers parade.