When things are going well, it never hurts to top off the situation with sex. Frankly, even when things are going miserably, it doesn’t hurt to dull the pain with sex. With the spectrum of emotions that live sports can summon, it stands to reason that you should be prepared to have sex whenever the mood strikes you. Unfortunately, stadiums aren’t exactly the Ritz-Carlton (or even a Motel 6), so you’ve got to plan ahead and take precautions. Before you get dirty at a sporting event, check out this rundown of possible venues for a tryst and never be left wondering about what could have been.
This one would be ranked higher due to several factors (comfort, exclusivity, champagne service), but the fact that it’s so damn easy actually detracts from the overall allure. If all it takes to get this done is the cost of renting or leasing a suite, it will still make the list, but don’t expect it to get too close to the top. That said, don’t overlook the comfort factor, as couches and cushy furniture are in short supply in most utilitarian arenas and stadiums. So this Valentine’s Day, show her she’s worth it. And bang her in a skybox.
9. Luxury Suite
Though not technically “in the stadium” this one counts for two reasons. First, it’s on the stadium’s property, which the attorney in me has decided to include as “stadium space” heretofore. Secondly, getting your car out of a stadium parking structure is no quick feat, so you can sit there and listen to your Jack Johnson CD, or you can take it to the backseat. (Though an SUV is the preferred body style for vehicular sex. Depending on how long you’re willing to make it last, traffic will be clear and you’ll be on cloud nine as you exit the premises. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
8. Parking Garage
I’m going to ignore the class factor of taking a ladyfriend into a smelly men’s restroom to express your love physically and simply examine the practical aspects. The men’s room is the great equalizer, as everyone has access. And by “everyone”, I’m including women. Never in a million years would some drunk sports fan keep a woman out of the men’s room. Cause a woman entering the restroom means something interesting is going to happen. And the restroom occupants will want to see it. Unfortunately, this is not a two-way street. Go ahead and pop your head into a crowded women’s restroom. Go ahead. I’ll wait. You back? Yeah, that didn’t go very well, did it? Remember: Men’s room.
7. The Restroom
If there’s anyone who doesn’t want to hear themselves having sex broadcast throughout an entire stadium or arena, I don’t know who it is. This is perhaps the hardest entry (hehe) to pull off, as it requires access to an inaccessible room and a work knowledge of large-scale AV equipment, which you don’t have. However, what it lacks in ease it more than makes up for in prestige. The sounds of your sweet, sweet coitus will resonate into the parking lot, but just make sure you hurry. The jig will be up in about 2 minutes, as security will have a pretty good idea of where you are. As for the announcers? It’s cool. I have it on good authority that Joe Buck likes to watch.
6. PA Booth
There’s a lot that’s probably not sexy about a locker room, but if you’re both fans, it’s one of the best places to show each other that you care enough about them to bang them in a hard-to-access room in an arena. They have those padded benches like the ones in shoe stores, which could probably be stacked or staggered for some sufficiently freaky shit. Most importantly, the locker room will probably be empty during the game, save for a few towel boys who will be so excited to see their first real breast that they wouldn’t rat you out in a million years.
5. Locker Room
Located near the locker room, but disparate enough to warrant its own entry. Lots of cushy tables and beds, whirlpools, and myriads lotions and lubes. This place is more like Plato’s Retreat than it is a doctor’s office. Factor in a door that locks and privacy blinds and you are ready to step into the trainer’s room for healing. Sexual healing. Awww yeah…
4. Trainer’s Room
This one, like other entries on this list, will probably have to be done after hours, as the a coital penalty box session would probably be noticed by more than a few attendees. However, the penalty box sets the tone for filthy freaky sex that you couldn’t get away with otherwise. Another giant benefit of the penalty box is that if you’re wildly quick on the draw is that if it ends early, she can’t leave for two minutes. Five if you’ve been fighting with her.
3. Penalty Box
The perfect “hidden in a crowd” scenario. This one is actually more feasible than you would think if you can just get the damn costume and render unconscious the guy who was supposed to be wearing it. The close quarters may have a few drawbacks, but as long as you and yours aren’t of abnormally large carriage, you could totally make it happen as say, the Phillie Phanatic. The icing on the cake is, to outsiders, it will simply appear that the mascot occupant is having a grand mal seizure and will give him space until the shaking stops, which, by that point, you’ll be home free. Just don’t let them stick a wooden spoon in your mouth. Or anywhere else.
2. In a Mascot Costume
At the end of the day, this is what it’s all about. You won’t be able to do this during an event unless you’re attending a soccer game in Bangkok or something, but when the stadium clears, turn on the introduction lights, make a nice little picnic, and get dirty. Then get a time machine and loosen up your shoulder for thousands of high fives with your 14 year-old self. It probably goes without saying, but if you’re blessed enough to have a partner that is game for this or any of the other scenarios, lock that shit down, as it doesn’t get better than what you’ve got. And take comfort in knowing from that point forward, you’re the biggest star the stadium has ever hosted. Sorry, Celine Dion.