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9 Reasons Randy Moss Is a Total Douchebag

by: Howard Cosmell On  Thursday, November 4, 2010

mossCongratulations, Tennessee. You’ve got yourself a gently-worn, pre-owned Randy Moss on your hands. But you might want to check the trunk, cause this guy’s got some serious baggage. While he was able to shake the demons of his high school years and put on a game face, he wasn’t able to do it in a particularly graceful fashion. Though he hasn’t blown up a bus full of nuns and orphans, he’s a constant complainer and has an almost sociopathic inability to appreciate the fortunate situations in which he finds himself. After the events of the last couple months, a Titans fan shouldn’t feel 8% comfortable about having Moss on their team. Here’s why.

9. He’s a Bad Driver
randy-moss-mugshot-150x150This doesn’t make him a douchebag, unless it injures someone important and lets down his teammates. Oh? Really? That’s what happened when he made an illegal turn, ran over a cop, then got his car searched where police found weed? Geez. That’s unfortunate. He’ll never get hired by the transit authority with that on his record. Listing “bad driver” on here is of course, for the sake of humor, but the reason that bad luck like this befalls people like DMX and Randy Moss is not that hard to figure out. It’s because the guys are constantly making bad decisions, and bad decisions will catch up with you. It’s unlikely that this was the only time Moss was driving with weed in his car, and it’s unlikely that it was the only time he drove like a jackass. It’s indicative of a bigger problem with this guy. One that we’ll address more as we cruise through this list.

8. He’s a Prima Donna
mariah-carey-03-12-2007There are a number of unwritten rules in sports that are rules for a good reason. You always run through first base on a ground-out. You always shake hands in Little League. You stay on the field till the clock runs out. I don’t know about Randy’s behavior on the baseball diamond, but in 2004 against the Redskins, Randy took the liberty of retiring to the locker room with time on the clock because, as he later told the media, he didn’t think the Vikings would recover the onside kick. Well, Randy, there were a hundred other guys on your sideline and thousands of fans that thought there was a chance. So maybe you stop acting like a petulant toddler for the last five minutes and hope for the best.

7. He’s Critical of His Teammates
Randy-MossThe “Buffet Incident” showed a marked lack of class on Mr. Moss’ end, but it’s unlikely that it alone would have compelled his new team to throw in the towel after such a short period of time. It’s very likely that selling your teammates up the river, as he did in post-game press conferences would cause his new teammates to do so. Be critical of your teammates behind close doors. Running your mouth to the media weeks after your arrival is not only piss-poor behavior, but on another level it shows that you have no idea what you’re doing as part of an organization. The comparisons between Moss and Allen Iverson are many, and it’s not hard to recognize behavioral patterns in this instance. Where’s Iverson? He’s Turkey-bound. At the end of this season, I don’t think anyone would be surprised if Moss was left wishing that the NFL Europe was still around. There’s always Canada, pal.

6. He Has “Lady Problems”
b0_7In 2008, Moss got hit with a restraining order by a woman for her protection. There was no follow up lawsuit or media play, so it’s unlikely this woman was selling him down the river for money. Women generally don’t ask millionaire superstars to stay away from them unless there’s a pretty good reason. The reason here is that she probably felt unsafe around him, probably because of something he did. I’m not going to draw a logical flow chart here. Guys that hit women are assholes. It will never be definitively proven that he did, but the signs point to “yes.”

5. He Isn’t The Player He Used to Be
New England Patriots 2010 Football HeadshotsGranted, his numbers late in his career haven’t fallen dramatically, but also look at his environment. Moss was living the dream in New England, playing with a talented quarterback, killer coach, and great supporting cast. Take those away from him and we won’t be seeing 2003 numbers from Mr. Moss. We would be seeing 2010 numbers from him, which WOULD (will?) demonstrate a fall-off. Look at TO. (There are tons of similar stories in sports for what’s going on with Moss right now, so we’re not hurting for comparisons.) During his prime, people were willing to deal with his antics, at least for a few seasons. Once the production stops, the excuses come, and the player in question is tainted goods. While not putting up great numbers doesn’t make a player a douchebag, carrying a holier-than-thou attitude while not producing makes your behavior even harder to tolerate.

4. His Play Depends on His Mood
643px-Randy-Moss_8-28-09_Patriots-vs-Redskins-150x150“Maybe because I’m unhappy and I’m not too much excited about what’s going on, so, my concentration and focus level tend to go down sometimes when I’m in a bad mood.”

It’s professional football, Moss. The word professional means that you are paid to act in a certain manner that doesn’t include blowing off your routes cause you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or because Sebastian Janikowski took the last Danish at the pre-game breakfast. Yes, it’s harder to play when you’re unhappy. You know what you do? You try your best to play through it and don’t make your problems your team’s problems by calling them out on TV (again).

3. He Still Gets High
dave-chappelle-150x150This wouldn’t be such a dick move if it weren’t for the fact that he admitted he smokes pot, which, as we saw in the Josh Howard incident a couple years back, does no good for anyone involved. It makes purists doubt your commitment, it creates a situation that the team needs to respond to, and it serves no end towards “enlightening” the public to the marijuana issue. It’s self-serving. You wanna smoke pot during your NFL career? Great. Go nuts. You wanna smoke during the season? Fine. Don’t let it affect your play. You want to talk about it to the press? Not fine. Wait twenty years until everyone’s view on weed is as enlightened as yours, then start talking about it. Or just wait until you retire. You’ve caused enough problems with your behavior and psychology, Randy. There’s no need to create new ones out of boredom or frustration.

2. He’s Just Kind of a Dick
dick-clark-largeYou’re back in Minnesota where you established yourself as a world-class receiver on a decent team. They have since become a great team (albeit not this season) and they did it all without you. This isn’t your team. You were cast off and you should act grateful that you found a new home. Acting like an asshole when a small restaurant is pouring their hearts out on plates to local heroes for free will ingratiate yourself to no one. In fact, it’s probably a contributing factor to why they don’t want you around. His behavior in this one instance isn’t what sent him packing, it’s that this one instance is indicative of a larger problem with his personality. Maybe when he was killing it in his prime teams would have dealt with him, but not anymore.

1. Really. He’s Just Kind of a Dick
dick-cheney-heart-ailment-150x150
Upon being asked about the Marshall plane crash that took place in 1970, Moss claimed his disinterest in the event was due to the fact that it was “before my time.” Which is true. What’s also true is that Marshall was willing to take a flier on you because you couldn’t conduct yourself well enough to stay on another college roster. Maybe demonstrating some gratitude by learning and appreciating the history of your football team and University would be in order. Later in the interview, Moss totally made up for his faux pas by stating that the crash “wasn’t nothing big.” Across the campus, English professors let out a deep sigh and carried on.




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