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11 Creepy Wax Statues of Great Athletes (and Gilbert Arenas)
This piece might as well be titled “11 Wax Statues.” “Creepy” and “wax statues” go together like beer and pizza. It appears that Madame Tussaud’s is simply giving away wax representations of athletes and celebrities these days (Gilbert Arenas? Really?). But as long as rube tourists are willing to shell out $20 a pop to get their photos taken with wax statues, rather than actually experience whatever their new city has to offer, wax statue makers will keep cranking them out. Doesn’t “wax statue maker” sound like a profession that would only exist in a horror movie? Anyway, here’s 11 butt-ugly, creepy wax statues that will save you the money and the trip.
11. Gilbert Arenas
I guess Tracy McGrady and Joe Johnson were busy that weekend. I’m seriously baffled by the decision to immortalize Gilbert Arenas in wax. I’m hoping that his statue isn’t in every wax museum, but only the one in DC. That said, anyone who’s good at making little wax guns has to be pretty stoked about this inclusion.
10. Joe Montana
Look kids! It’s Joe Montana! In burn-victim form! They might want to put a little makeup on his grill so he’s not looking quite so much like that Mason Verger dude from Hannibal. It’s hard to tell your toddler about “The Catch” when he’s crapping himself cause the lifeless shiny football player is going to eat him. Say what you want about Madame Toussad’s, but they’ve got a niche.
9. Mike Tyson
Strangely, Tyson is the only entry on this list less scary in wax form than he is in real life. I wonder if that’s cause Madame Toussad’s did exceptional work or if it’s because the wax Mike Tyson won’t rape you or bite your ear off. We’ll never know.
7. Yao Ming
This is a whole lotta wax for one statue. I’m sure there’s one of these on every street corner in Shanghai. And look how lifelike the armpit hair is! It really looks like Yao’s! Fun fact: They used Yao’s real ankles for this statue. The ones he’s been playing on for the past eight years are the wax ones.
6. Tiger Woods
The jokes should be flooding over me in an awesome wave, but it’s not happening. Ambien, Buick, Outback Steakhouse? Nope. Blackberry, Elin, Ambien again, Accenture, “There’s a Tiger in all of us?” Nope. It would be pretty funny though if you could pretend you were Elin and clock this statue with a golf club. Just tons of tourists beating the holy hell out of Tiger Woods. Yeah. That’ll work.