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9 Reasons WWE is Better than MMA

by: Howard Cosmell On  Thursday, January 6, 2011


WWE and MMA: Two sports that have superficial similarities, but adhere to wildly different philosophies. The WWE is about showmanship, sensationalism, and spectacle. MMA is about gladiators fighting with little fanfare to determine the better athlete. Well, this is an easy contest to judge. Bring on the ring girls, the (slightly more) drunk fans, and the fireworks during entrances. MMA may be more “real,” but real doesn’t equal fun. You know what equals fun? The dumb fun of the WWE. Here’s why.

9. Props
Watching people fight with their arms and legs might be more athletically impressive, but from an entertainment perspective, nothing beats giving people weapons to beat the hell out of each other. Well, maybe not GIVE them weapons, but don’t stop them from obtaining them on their own. The WWE has taught us that most anything can become a weapon if you hit someone in the head with it. Folding chairs are the best example, but I prefer the more metaphorical beatings. Like when a defending champ gets beaten to a pulp with their own belt. Now that’s defeat.

If the MMA wanted to compete on this front, they would strategically sprinkle makeshift weapons throughout the octagon, like a wrench or a random lamp. Your move, Dana White.

8. Substandard Referees
The world isn’t fair. You need to know how to cut corners and get ahead. MMA won’t allow for this education because the referees in MMA are just so damn observant. They know when you’re poking a guy in the eye or illegally biting his crotch.

Not in the WWE. Their referees act as though they are the lovechild of Mr. Magoo and Harry Caray, stumbling around, often fighting with managers when they should be counting the pin. Their incompetence facilitates outside-the-box thinking that builds critical reasoning skills for later in life. By not enforcing the rules, the WWE is allowing their wrestlers to grow.

7. Outfits
How awesome would it have been if during his heyday if Chuck Liddell stepped into the octagon dressed like a cowboy or Pacific Island warrior? Don’t answer that. It was rhetorical. It would be infinity awesome. The WWE guys get to strut their stuff with headwear, fringed boots, sunglasses, and, God willing, denim overalls. The MMA guys just have to wear those Speedos that help them win. Boring. At the very least, every fighter should be decked out in streamers. Meet me halfway, MMA.

6. Vince McMahon
To a point, Vince McMahon and Dana White are very similar personalities. They both have made cultural institutions out of once-marginalized sports. They both are extremely hands-on, Mark Cuban-type executives. They both participate in their sports, rather than just running them. But only one has no problem being a total jackass and allowing himself to be a character in the show he’s producing. Looking like a George Hamilton-Lou Ferrigno hybrid, Vince McMahon is essentially a Donald Trump-like piece of 24/7 performance art. Commitment like that makes McMahon one of the best parts of the very thing he created. How meta.

5. Celebrity Matches
This one is really interesting. Every once in a while, the WWE brings in a celebrity promoting a movie or TV show to guest wrestle or to preside over a WWE match. Which is fun for everyone. I mean, what’s better than seeing David Arquette wrestle playfully in an exhibition match? That question was not rhetorical. What’s better is seeing him get his ass handed to him in the octagon until he taps out in abject humiliation. However, MMA refuses to throw pretty-boy celebrities in with its fighters, so we have to throw our weight behind the WWE.

4. Announcers
I have always felt that enthusiasm should supersede both objectivity and competence when it comes to sportscasting. The voices of the WWE feel like spectators who carry the thrill of competition with them. Actually, they don’t, but I love the way they keep reminding us that they can’t believe what they’re seeing and constantly egg on the wrestlers as though they were spectators in a “Yo Mama” battle. If Anthony Pettis’ kick off the wall had been done with WWE announcers at the helm instead of MMA guys, we would still hear them hooting and hollering about that kick whenever we opened our windows. Though the idea of watching a WWE match with really somber announcers is pretty funny too, the MMA with straight announcing just feels too damn professional.

3. Gimmick Matches
This argument is along the line of the “props” argument, but even more important, hence its higher ranking. Every MMA match I see is in the same venue. The octagon. Which was cool at first, but now seems as boring as a square. I’ve never been bored with WWE matches because even though their ring maintains the same shape, they mess with it in other completely revolutionary ways.

For instance, they turn the ring into a cage. Sure, the octagon is cage-like, but it’s lacks a roof. Cages need roofs, which is why you see so many MMA fighters climb up the walls and scurry away during a big match. They need to be locked in.

Further, there are never any tacks on the ground of an MMA match. What’s up with that? Crazy. Nor are there ever any MMA bouts that require the contestants to climb a ladder to physically obtain the belt, making them the champion. In the MMA, all you ever have to do is beat the guy regularly. Bo-ring.

2. Wrestlers Get the Mic
I want to be entertained by personalities, not just accomplishments. If Georges St. Pierre steps into the ring, I don’t just want him to fight. I want him to gesticulate wildly and ask if I am able to smell what he’s cooking. It’s like the MMA guys have no passion for their work. They simply fight, punch the clock, and do it all again the next day. If an MMA fighter thinks the citizens of Detroit are a bunch of window-licking mouth-breathers, he should tell his entire Detroit audience as much. The joy of seeing a pro-wrestler insult an entire city far outweighs stoic professionalism. Advantage, WWE.

1. The Movie Springboard
WWE has Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and to a MUCH lesser extent, John Cena. The WWE has produced some of the world’s finest actors. I’m pretty sure that Gene Hackman and Daniel Day-Lewis were both in the WWE at some point, but my internet is down, so I can’t verify that. MMA has Brock Lesnar, who can’t act his way out of a paper bag. If you love wrestling half-naked guys for money and you have cinematic aspirations, you’re a fool if you don’t go to the WWE. It’s where thespians fight. MMA is just where the better athletes fight. Well, I got news for you: If I wanted to watch good athletes, I’d put on bowling.




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