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9 Worst Excuses to Give Your Bookie
Ho ho ho! ‘Tis the season for gambling debts. Between tonight’s BCS Championship game and the NFL playoffs, fortunes will be won and lost in the next three months. (Spoiler alert: lost) The smart move is not to gamble, but “addiction” means that you don’t listen to nonsense like that, so come armed not with wisdom, but with the next best thing – excuses. There probably are no good excuses when it comes to telling a bookie that you don’t have his money, but there are a few that are worse than the rest. Look to these 9 gems as an example of what not to do when it comes time to pay the piper.
9. “You already broke my legs. Why do I still owe you the money?” This line was cribbed from the movie Dirty Work, but it’s completely applicable. If I owe you three thousand dollars from Norwood missing the kick wide right, you have two avenues of recourse, Mr. Bookie. You can break my legs, or you can collect your money. You can’t do both. What’s that? You can? Crap.
8. “My _______ just died.” If that’s the case, then you should have MORE money, not less. Your bookie, unless it’s your best friend or your brother, won’t care about the health or well being of your family. But it’s adorable that you think he will.
7. “The game totally went the wrong way!” It’s sports. Field goals get missed, buzzer beaters fall. This guy deals with sports outcomes for a living. I don’t think he’s going to feel your pain if Kobe fouls out with three minutes left, torpedoing your trifecta. The game didn’t go your way? That’s why they call it gambling, fella.
6. “I got deported.” This one’s actually not a great excuse, but pretty effective at dodging your bookie, especially if it’s true. Unless your bookie runs an international wagering firm, you’re probably safe in Belgium. If you’re making it up though, the odds increase to even money that you will run into him at Dunkin’ Donuts and he will stab you with a rusty screwdriver.
5. “I’d pay you, but I just bought _______.”Golf clubs, private plane, cup of coffee, whatever. Telling your bookie that you spent the money you should have earmarked for your wagers is not likely to get you into his good graces. He will politely suggest that you sell whatever you just bought at a loss to cover your nut. Or you will probably end up getting sodomized with those new golf clubs. Just kidding. No I’m not.
4. “I have a gambling problem.” Ha! This one might be good for a chuckle from the bookie, but that’s about it. Their career entails preying on people with gambling problems. They’re glad you have a gambling problem. Besides, no one ever has a gambling problem when they’re winning.
3. “I thought we were friends!” You thought wrong. You hoped you were friends. You’re the degenerate gambler, he’s the bookie. Be clear on that from here on out. Your bookie didn’t want to have that beer with you at the sports bar, and he doesn’t want to be your friend. He wants your money. He doesn’t run a friendship business.
2. “I was gonna see you, but I’ve been busy.” Perhaps the laziest (and worst) excuse in the book. You owe money to a criminal, and to top it off, you essentially tell him that paying him back isn’t your highest priority. Bookies want to be your highest priority. They want their money before you make your mortgage payment or pay down your credit card. They should be. Because the bank won’t come knocking on your door one day and rough you up.
1. “I’ll win it on the next one.”No you won’t. The reason bookies stay in business is people like you lose and keep coming back. If people were getting rich off of bookies, that would be one thing. Bookies watch losses compound every day. They know that hot streaks end and cold streaks keep going. So be telling him you’re going to win back your debt isn’t just a waste of time, it’s insulting.