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9 Lamest Off-the-Field Injuries

by: Howard Cosmell On  Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Sports are dangerous. There’s a reason these guys are pros. However, the risks involved may not be nearly as nasty as the risks that accompany every day l-i-v-i-n’. Facing Lawrence Taylor can be less daunting than washing your truck or training for reality television. While there’s nothing wrong with getting injured during your gladiator-like duties on the pitch, there’s something markedly less noble about suffering the fates of these 9 characters. Be glad you’re not them.

9. Chris Hanson
Chris Hanson, a punter for the Jacksonville Jaguars, decided the team was lacking a little motivation, so Jack Del Rio, the coach, took the liberty of installing a stump and axe to create some convoluted metaphor about lumberjacking or something. Anyway, it went about as well as one would think (the Jags went 5-11). But the sweetest part is when Hanson stepped up to the stump to chop in an inspirational fashion (or whatever), he managed to chop his leg instead. Punters need their legs, right?

8. Joel Zumaya
I think the player’s union should create a carve out for drug testing any player who turns up with an injury that is obviously as stoner-oriented as Zumaya’s. Zumaya went to see the docs with unexplained shoulder pain, which doctors eventually came to find was the result of too much guitar hero. If you want to play Guitar Hero, Joel, go ahead, but think twice before attempting the Pete Townshend windmill technique. You’ve got a fan base to think of.

7. Bobby Ojeda
In 1988, the lefty pitcher had the tip of his left middle finger severed by an electric hedge trimmer. It was reattached using microsurgery, but he was out for the playoffs, which should teach rich athletes to ever do anything for themselves again. That’s why servants exist. Sadly, Ojeda endured a much more serious accident later in his career when he was in a boat accident in 1993 that killed two teammates, though he survived.
 
 
6. Jeff Kent
“At the carwash…” is where Jeff Kent should have been when he was “straddling the back” of his truck and fell over, breaking his left wrist. No word on whether or not the truck was eventually properly waxed.

It turns out that this injury may have been stupid for an altogether different reason. Kent may have concocted this story after it was rumored that he was actually injured riding his motorcycle, which is prohibited by many pro sports contracts. Which would make more sense than an athlete actually washing their own car.

5. Misty May Treanor
You can’t accuse her of not leaving it all out on the floor. Sadly, this was a dance floor, and Misty May’s Achilles tendon exploded when she may have gotten a little too aggressive with a dip when practicing for “Dancing with the Stars.” Sadly, it would seem she’s still acclimating herself to hard surfaces after a sand volleyball career.
 
 
 
4. Joe Sakic
In an injury that set back the hockey anti-stereotype movement decades, Joe Sakic somehow broke three fingers while operating a snowblower. Isn’t the reason people get rich so that they can avoid having to do things like wash their cars, garden, and blow snow? Sakic had surgery and was out three months. Next time, just get that adorable little boy down the street to do it for $5.
 
 
3. Marty Cordova
You can’t blame a guy for wanting to look good. You can blame a professional athlete for failing to set a timer in his tanning bed, falling asleep, then having to be on the day-to-day disabled list. That’s something I’m completely comfortable blaming a guy for. The IR? How much does one use their face in baseball?
 
 
 
2. Plaxico Burress
Shooting yourself in the leg in a crowded nightclub should be a crime. Fortunately, it is. However, Plaxico later confessed that perhaps the reason he shot himself in the leg with his own pistol in a crowded NYC nightclub is that he was wearing loose fitting workout pants. To a nightclub. Which is an altogether different type of crime. Fortunately, shooting oneself in the leg seems like an appropriate punishment. If it wasn’t though, going to jail two years probably is. Moron.

1. Glenallen Hill
Glenallen Hill should legally change his name to “Awesomest-Off-the-Field-Injury Story Hill.” I say that for reasons that will be obvious in a moment. Hill has what appears to be a severe case of arachnophobia, that led to a dangerous but hilarious chain of events. Hill had a vivid nightmare about spiders that led him to, while asleep, spring out of bed, crash into a glass table that shattered, then plunge down a staircase. Most remarkable of all, he was only out 15 days with cuts. Damn spiders.




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