9 Ridiculous Ways to Spice Up Your Super Bowl Party

Nothing’s worse than a bad Super Bowl party. Well, genocide and poverty are worse, but bad Super Bowl parties are pretty awful. It’s like having a bad New Year’s Eve: staying home and doing nothing is exponentially better than a bad night out. I’m not saying these suggestions are either good or bad. That will be for the guests and possibly the courts to decide. But these twists on the traditional Super Bowl party will cause people to remember your party. They are more or less arranged in descending order of practicality, with #9 being the most practical and #1 being wildly impractical. (You’ll see.)

9. Do It Survivor-Style

Going on personal experience, this one will definitely “spice things up.” I don’t know where my friends and I got the idea, but essentially you “vote off” one person (or couple, if you want) every quarter. There was no guideline or standard for behavior; you just voted off whoever you didn’t want around. And anyone who was voted off had to suffer the indignity of getting kicked out of the party. That one Super Bowl party irreparably damaged three friendships and one romantic relationship. I cannot in good conscience recommend you throw a Survivior-style Super Bowl party, but it will certainly add a new dynamic to the whole party by essentially turning it into a catty reality show.

8. Have It in the Garage

This isn’t “9 Ways to Add Class to Your Super Bowl Party.” It’s about adding spice. Take people out of their comfort zone. Rough it a little bit by moving the big screen out there and see if they act differently. Will people start spitting on the floor or shotgunning beers? Do people’s accents start to reveal themselves? Maybe, maybe not, but there’s something oddly appealing about watching the championship football game sitting in folding chairs and around a ping-pong table.

7. Raise the Stakes

Those football squares are cute and fun, but the stakes are so low ($1 per square?) that there’s no real thrill from winning or losing. It’s basically just an activity. Well, by raising the stakes significantly ($30k minimum wager on the outcome per family) you would get to see your friends and family in a whole new light. See people smash plasma TVs with beer bottles, watch men cry and women curse. The field won’t be the only place you can witness the full spectrum of human emotion.

6. Body Sushi, but with Nachos

Pretty self-explanatory, but in case you’re not on a “Sex and the City” set, body sushi is essentially a sushi platter that is laid our on a naked, clean, good-looking person, usually a girl, cause who wants to eat food off of a dude? Well, imagine that person just smothered in soggy, cheesy, greasy nachos. Kinda gross, right? But kinda hot, too! Anyway, nachos are such that you don’t need to be particularly attractive or even clean to wear and serve them, so the cost would be way cheaper. Do you think they could shower at your house or does corporate policy dictate that they have to drive home caked in nacho ingredients? Either scenario pleases me a great deal.

5. Halftime Competitive Eating

NFL halftime shows are asinine. During halftime, I normally suggest switching over to Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet for ten or fifteen minutes. In the seven years or so of the Puppy Bowl, I have never successfully convinced anyone to change the channel to the Puppy Bowl. Oh well.

Anyway, a competitive eating contest during halftime makes perfect sense: it’s fun to watch and cheer for someone and it’s a testament to the gluttony we have come to expect from Super Bowl parties. Bet on the contestants, but win or lose, you’ll be entertained by their loud breathing, audible moaning, and desperate attempts to stay awake during the second half. Fun!

4. Super Bowl Drinking Game

Easiest ways to add spice to anything are alcohol and strippers, and I want to be realistic, so that pretty much just leaves alcohol. The type of “spice” that alcohol can add to a Super Bowl party will vary from an off-color joke about Bob Costas’ height to assault with a deadly weapon. Serve jello shots and make everyone drink when an animal is used in a commercial only for the sake of cuteness or when men are portrayed to be idiotic cavemen. People should be vomiting by the second quarter.

3. Invite Obnoxious Fans

Sometimes, it pays to invite a horribly annoying person, because, honestly, it’s entertaining to watch people get annoyed. Look no further than the success of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Get the guys (and girls can absolutely be just as bad) that gloat, second-guess every call that goes against them, and eat chips and dip like they have two buttholes. Embrace their awfulness and find a way to laugh at them with your friends. Or kill them.

2. Refuse to Show the Game on Any of Your Home’s Televisions

I’m not saying it’s a great idea. It’s actually kind of a jerk move, but nothing will loosen lips and get the blood circulating like your steadfast refusal to allow any of your guests to watch the Super Bowl in your home. If they register anger, say “it’s just a silly game,” then toss in “Sex and the City” and watch the sparks fly. This is especially effective if you refuse to provide your guests with any food, drinks, or seats.

1. Pepper Your Party With YouTube Sensations

Let’s face it, the Super Bowl is often a letdown. The game might not be close, and even if it is, it might not be interesting, so you’ll want to have ancillary entertainment options for your guests if the game is a stinker. And what’s more entertaining than YouTube characters? Nothing, that’s what. In the kitchen, let the kids hang out with Chocolate Rain, and maybe in the living room, you could have that “rent is too damn high” guy with the bitchin’ facial hair. On their way out the front door, maybe the guests could have the option of petting that kid who was all drugged up after the dentist in that mini-van. Come to think of it, the Super Bowl can’t really compete with this. This is just a great idea overall. Tron Guy could be in charge of betting squares.

Tags: football, Green Bay Packers, NFL, party, Pittsburgh Steelers, super bowl,