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9 Things Blake Griffin Should Jump Over At Next Year’s Dunk Contest
Jumping over a car ain’t so great. Don’t misunderstand though: Blake Griffin is great. In what’s essentially his rookie year, he has been the poster boy for excitement in a league that offers a lot of excitement to begin with. So what’s so exciting about hurdling a compact(ish) car? A Kia, nonetheless? Nothing. There’s nothing exciting about that. So, with 12 months before the next contest, let’s start brainstorming about what the slam dunk messiah can hurdle his bad self over next year. I think we can come up with something a little more inspired than a Kia.
9. Grand Canyon
Logistical problems abound with this one, but how great would it be to see Griffin clear the most iconic gap on Earth? Clearly, this will require some preparation, as it’s almost a mile across at its narrowest point. (I’m thinking a high-carb diet and an intense plyometric regimen would be in order.) I’m aware that the current long jump record is in the realm of 30 feet, some 5,250 feet short of what he’d need to clear the gap. But that’s what would make the feat sooooooooo impressive if he nailed it. He would have jumped 170 times further than any human ever.
And if it doesn’t work out, we get to watch a guy die. Win-win from the spectator’s standpoint.
8. A Pit Containing a Drunk Ben Roethlisberger (Note: Griffin Should Be Dressed as a Hot Girl)
The downside here is astronomical. If BG clears the pit, good, great, grand. Applause everywhere. If he fails, God only knows what Big Ben will do to Big Blake. It’s for this reason that I suggest the pit be dark, as a national audience will not be able to handle visuals associated with the worst-case scenario. The cries of a violated Griffin, in concert with the primal grunts of Big Ben will be haunting enough.
7. A Clone of Himself
Not only would this be a tremendous athletic feat, but this act would also represent a tremendous “leap” forward scientifically. Sure, Nate Robinson can jump over Dwight Howard, who is actually taller than a clone of Griffin would be, but the fact remains that jumping over yourself is a far more impressive act. I tried to jump over myself in my living room for research purposes and really jacked my back up. I’m actually typing this from the floor. I can’t move. Please send help.
6. The Obamas, Holding a Plan for a Practical, Timely Exit Strategy from Afghanistan.
There is no reason why we can’t see this in February 2012. Barack loves basketball, and if Blake can get over the patriarch of the Obama clan, then the clearing Michelle and the gang should be a walk in the park. Whether or not Bo, the Obamas’ Portuguese Water Dog , would be included could be a game-time decision based on how limber Griffin is feeling in warm-ups. I included the Afghanistan exit strategy in this athletic feat just because that would just be a nice thing to resolve sooner rather than later.
5. His Salary in $5 Bills
I actually don’t think this should just be a challenge in the dunk contest, but a condition of every contract in the NBA. An NBA player’s maximum salary should be dictated by his ability to jump over his salary as a pile of $5 bills. I am in love with this concept being exhibited on a national level such as the Slam Dunk Contest. Of course, Griffin is still on the rookie scale for salary, so it shouldn’t be too big a challenge until he gets a new contract. I would love to have seen Vince Carter, Stephon Marbury, and Allen Iverson just faceplant, unable to clear the metaphor for the twilight of their careers.
4. A Raised Bar Held By Michael Richards and Mel Gibson
I haven’t really fleshed this one out, but I’m inclined to call it “Overcoming Prejudice.” It would serve as a wonderfully symbolic act should he clear the bar. However, the fact remains that Gibson and Richards would almost certainly try to beat Griffin with the very bar he cleared after they learn that he is of mixed race. Frankly, there’s really not a lot of upside here. I just liked the name of the stunt. “Overcoming Prejudice.” Please disregard. Let’s move on.
3. Dog Poop
OK, so clearing a small pile of dog poop isn’t crazy-impressive, but think about what happens if he doesn’t make it. He gets dog poop all over his nice, new All Star shoes. In front of all the spectators and on national TV. Totally disgusting and totally embarrassing. How David Stern hasn’t incorporated this element into the contest immediately is beyond me. This league is run by a bunch of monkeys.
I would request that the poop come from a breed that is German Shepherd or larger.
2. The City of Cleveland
I don’t have the slightest notion how this works logistically either, but let’s face it: The people of Cleveland need to be part of something great or we gonna get all of Cuyahoga County on suicide watch. Just let Blake Griffin jump over the city while dunking and maybe it will buy this poor, tortured city some time. Sadly, having Griffin jump over the city would probably provide the city with a source of pride they haven’t seen since Major League, and, before that, when Lake Erie caught on fire.
1. One Lucky Fan, Lit on Fire
“People will do anything for a moment in the spotlight.” Sure, that phrase gets bandied about, but will people really do anything? My guess is, yeah, they will. For instance, I am willing to bet that some mentally deficient NBA enthusiast is more than willing to allow themselves to be doused in a flammable liquid (I’m thinking napalm, but open to alternatives) and lit aflame while Blake Griffin soars majestically above them, culminating in a thunderous dunk, and, hopefully, the extinguishing of the flaming fan before the burns lead to a fatal infection. Talk about excitement!