The Daily Gambling Fix 3/9/11 — Mercedes Terrell
9 Ways to Get Her Interested in the Game
Without context, if you’re a girl or guy, watching a pro sports game isn’t that much different than watching an elementary school version of the same sport. The reason we care is because we know these people are the best. When they’re not the best, as college athletes aren’t as good as their pro counterparts, we care because we have some sort of connection to the players. Well, girls that aren’t sports fans lack context, so it’s no wonder they’re not interested in the game. You have to supply them with reasons to care. Don’t worry, it’s not that hard.
***Note: This is only a guide for girls who aren’t sports fans. If your chick is a sports fan, read this for entertainment only. You’re a lucky guy and don’t need to insult a true sports fans with these (relatively) inconsequential aspects of sports.***
9. Tie the Person or Team to Tiger Woods Somehow
This really only works in the world of golf, and if you’re trying to get your girl to watch golf, then you need more help than I can give you, friendo. But just try to pepper in references to Tiger Woods to keep her on her toes. Girls respond to Tiger stuff (yes, still) like Pavlov’s dog to a bell. You could be losing her by prattling on about OBP vs. RHP in the month of June on the road, but if you just gently whisper “Tiger Woods,” she will perk up, and you’ll get her back. This will only work a few times before she realizes that Tiger Woods has nothing to do with bull-riding championships.
8. Show Her a Picture of a Player’s GF/Wife
Remember, she probably just wants SOME sense of context. It doesn’t really have to do with the person or team being good or bad, or even tie in to sports all that much. Show her a picture of a player with his wife or GF at a charity function or something, and that player gets humanized. All of a sudden, he’s not number 28 anymore. He’s the guy with the busted-looking wife that women could feel sorry for. This is also a great time to tell your S.O. about the Christies and how screwed up their relationship is.
7. Make Up a Human Interest Story
This isn’t higher on the list because it’s a really awful thing to do. I am not condoning making up a story, but as a “journalist,” I feel it my duty to provide you, dear reader, with all the options. And one option is to just make up a story. This is not a long-term fix, but if your Knicks are in the finals, talk about how Melo is a gangbanger who reformed his ways after he was forced by gang bosses to blow up a busload or orphans, but he refused, and was beaten by ruffians to within an inch of his life. Or maybe Amare Stoudamire could own the most environmentally friendly house in the eastern US. These are bad examples, but I’m not good at this. Just make something up that’s within the realm of possibility. You don’t have to come clean at the end, but you should probably stop the lie at the end of the game.
6. Play Up the Rivalry Aspect
There’s a reason the Olympics play up so many human interest stories. Outside of track coaches, there aren’t many people who find 5000m runs very exciting or interesting. Consequently, the networks must cobble together some sappy story to attract casual viewers. Well, tonight, you’re the network, and your better half is the casual viewer, so let it be known that Kobe and Shaq were once great friends but couldn’t share the limelight, so Shaq split town to get a title on his own in Miami. And while you’re at it, tell her about what Kobe did in Vail and how he bought his wife a Lamborghini and had it converted to automatic transmission so that she could drive it. After like eight years, that’s the toughest part of the whole story for me to swallow. YOU DO NOT PUT AN AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION IN A SPORTS CAR.
5. When All Else Fails, Bring the Drama
This is pretty much the theme of this list, but its merits its own entry as well. In the internet age, there are no secrets, so scandal and controversy lie around every corner, so don’t tell me you can’t find some compelling secrets about your favorite team to share with someone who isn’t educated in sport itself. The Gold Club trial, Knicks sexual harassment, the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry, Tony Romo and whoever he happens to be vaccinating that week, Donald Sterling, Mark Cuban, Clay Bennett. There is enough going on off the field that it should create an interesting environment for those who aren’t interested in what’s happening on it. I mean, the female mantra is practically, “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.” So get ready for, “It’s not that Dwight Howard blocked that shot, but rather how he blocked it.” You think I’m joking but I’m not. It’s not hard, fellas.
4. Let Her Know Any and All Players Participating that Have Been Accused of Animal Cruelty or Domestic Abuse
If you’re watching an NFL game, this should be easy. You don’t have to just give her good news, you just need to get her interested, so bring on the villains. She can hate Michael Vick, Pacman, and anyone else. In fact, getting the blood riled up is a good thing. Look at professional wrestling, which happens to be the dumbest sport in the history of civilization. They were able to manufacture interest based on having good guys and bad guys. And let’s be honest: no one really remembers the good guys. Well, the real pro sports are actually like that, and no one manufactures anything. These guys are legitimately bad people. Isn’t that right, A-Rod?
3. Point Out the Hot Guys
This seems counter intuitive, but it’s really not. How badly do you want her invested in the game? Chances are she has seen you ogle your share of women without putting up much of a fight, so throw her a bone and let her know which one Tom Brady is. Sure, he’s got a douche-y ponytail now, but he’s going out with Gisele, so I don’t see him jumping ship for your anonymous GF anytime in the near future. That’s not to say that your GF isn’t hot. I’m sure she’s gorgeous. But she’s not Gisele, and I don’t need to see her to know that.
2. Turn Her on to “Hard Knocks”
No show does a better job of drumming up interest in an upcoming event like Hard Knocks or 24/7 does. Those guys at HBO could bring the drama to most any event. Let the pay cable giant do the heavy lifting for you in selling these guys. If you aren’t lucky enough to have HBO covering the event in question, then copy them as best you can. Say to yourself, “How would HBO make this interesting?” Even if you figure out how they would, odds are you’ll fail, cause they’re HBO and you’re you, but it’s the best shot you have there, buddy.
1. Focus on the Celebs
Even if the closest she ever gets to sports are the celebs in US Weekly, she may know more about sports than she thinks, and certainly more than you give her credit for. So be sure to bring up the following players early and often if they are involved: LeBron James, Kobe, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Chad Ochocinco, Reggie Bush, Tiger Woods, A-Rod, Jeter, Terrell Owens, Brett Favre, Ben Roethlisberger, Roger Federer, Andy Roddick, Dwight Howard, and many, many more. Celebrities! They’re just like us!
If none of the above work (and they might not, as it’s not like guys who write about sports have women all figured out), just promise to watch The Bachelor or some crap if she pretends to be interested in the game. Do that every week, and she’ll probably develop a decent sports lexicon over time. Everyone wins, cause, odds are, there is some chick at Cosmo writing “8 Ways to Get Him to Watch Your Shows.” It’s all about compromise, folks.