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9 Greatest Porn Staches In Sports History

by: Howard Cosmell On  Thursday, March 24, 2011

What delineates a porn ‘stache from a regular mustache? Virtually nothing. That’s a like discerning between a very fat man and an obese man. I believe that every type of mustache has a place in pornography, though some are more apt (Adam Morrison has a very traditional porn ‘stache, and if he was a better basketball player, he’d be higher on this list). So take a look at these 9 “players” and try not to get tickled if you kiss them.

9. Rollie Fingers

“Mustache rides – $.25”

I think that shirt was created with Rollie Fingers in mind. The guy went through, conservatively, three hundred tons of mustache wax per hour. And it was worth every penny. I have a theory that the finely groomed tips of his mustache affect the spin of the ball, making it harder to hit. Of course, NASA refuses to grant me the resources I need to find out if this is a viable theory, so all we’re left with is conjecture.

8. Craig Stadler

Is there a more appropriate nickname out there for this guy than “the walrus?” This dude, with his dumpy carriage and push broom mustache, was a walrus personified. The fact that this guy was a very successful golfer simply speaks to how the Venn diagrams of “golf” and “athlete” barely even touch, if at all.

7. Dennis Eckersley

Relief Pitchers of the 70’s/80’s could enjoy their own subset here. Eck was known for two things in his day: his submarine pitching style that kept his ERA hovering closer to zero than anything else, and facial hair that would make any pirate green with envy. If I was in charge of marketing for the Oakland A’s, I would see to it that Eck graced the cover of every press guide every year. Even after his retirement.

6. Adam Morrison

“Whispy” is the name of the game for Mr. Morrison, who took a 70’s iconic look and brought it to the NCAA tournament, and then to the benches of the NBA. This little number is great for warming up, draining threes or curled up in a ball after losing your shot to the NCAA championship. Hellooooooooo, Boogie Nights.

5. Scott Player

Scott Player unfortunately is known more for his mustache than for his gridiron feats. That could be because he was a mediocre punter (kinda true) or because his handlebar mustache would overshadow the accomplishments of even Abraham Lincoln (kinda definitely true). His single-bar facemask hearkens back to the era of Otto Graham. Even though this guy is on the Pats practice squad (or was, anyway) his contributions to mustachedom will not be so quickly forgotten. The style of porn that this mustache would be most suited to is gay porn. No judgments, but that’s just how it is.

4. Richard Petty

Petty embodied much about an earlier generation of auto racing, and nowhere is that more evident than with his slightly-too-small mustache. If he wasn’t approximately 800 years old these days, I would still hear funk guitar in my head whenever his visage popped up on TV. Son of a gun, indeed. I’m pretty sure his mustache won Darlington in ’82 when he was too sick to race. Seriously, the dude won over two hundred races. The ‘stache had to be the reason for at least a couple of those, right?

3. Steve Prefontaine

This day and age, one doesn’t see quite so many bushy porn mustaches on performance athletes. Sure, punters, golfers, and NASCAR drivers, but rarely on people that have to do, you know, athletic stuff. Which is why it’s so refreshing to see Steve Prefontaine, a world champion distance runner in the 70’s rock this non-aerodynamic wonder. It’s pretty similar to Usain Bolt pounding his chest in the 100M dash. One wonders what Pre could have accomplished without such a handicap. I also love that “70s mustache” automatically translates in to “porn stache.” There is no need to delineate.

2. Mark Spitz

Man, the 70’s were a different era. Do they have swimcaps for big beautiful mustaches? Cause if they don’t, there needs to be an asterisk next to the name of every person who broke a Mark Spitz swimming record without a mustache. It’s ridiculous. It’s like swimming with a parachute. The only consolation though is that it’s widely known that his mustache got a tiny gold medal as well..

1. Mike Ditka

Ditka tops the list because there’s nothing even close to ironic about this mustache. It hearkens back to an age where finely groomed facial hair garnered respect, rather than some semblance of irony. Do I think it’s a porn mustache? Absolutely. There is no doubt in my mind that Mike Ditka starred in adult movies during some darker stretches of his life. And he wears the mustache to remind him of that fact. Just a theory, but one I believe. A “bear” indeed.




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