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11 Athletes We’d Like to Punch in the Face

by: Howard Cosmell On  Thursday, April 14, 2011

This list could be a thousand entries long. Of course, everyone has their own athletes they want to punch. I’m sure someone out there hates Dirk Nowitzki with a passion and wants nothing more to see him hurt, but that’s not what this list is about. Some athletes, seemingly universally, just rub everyone the wrong way. Sometimes it’s cause they’re total jerks, and sometimes it’s just cause they’re too smug and perfect. Regardless, many would agree they’re due for a good slug in the kisser. So here are 11 athletes we wanna punch.

11. A-Rod
This should surprise precisely no one. From his outlandish contracts to his purple lips to his hot girlfriends to his girly glove slaps, there’s not a whole lot to like about this guy. He didn’t come out smelling like a rose from steroid allegations, but that’s really neither here nor there. He’s just a douchey, unlikeable guy he must be punched. And not in the face, either.
 
 
 
10. Phil Mickelson
I’m not sure how Phil got so much hate thrown his way, but here we are. It probably has to do with his smoking hot wife, the fact that he looks like a sunburned Skeletor with man-breasts, or the fact that he has spent his whole life in San Diego playing golf. OK, I do know he got all this hate. We are insanely jealous of this guy.
 
 
 
9. Ben Roethlisberger
I feel like I’m wasting my (metaphorical) breath explaining this one, but here we go: He is at worst a sexual predator and at best a sleazebag that makes it harder for the rest of us to pick up random girls at bars. He has a goatee. He is an NFL quarterback AND he rides a motorcycle. Ok, dude. We get it. You’re badass.
 
 
 
8. Tim Tebow
9 times out of 10, the “aw shucks” white boy is a media and fan darling. Well, Tebow may have been exactly that at one point, but behold the power of the backlash. God-boy had everything going for him: championship hopes, the moral high road, and a hot girlfriend (that he probably wasn’t even banging). I don’t approve of wanting to hurt someone just because they’re too perfect. Unless they’re Tim Tebow.
 
 
7. Chris “Birdman” Andersen
I believe cultural anthropologists call this “peacocking.” Throwing up as many garish tattoos and stupid faux-hawks as possible to garner as much attention as one possibly can. I really can’t say the fact that he struggled with substance abuse factors into it one iota. If anything, it makes him more sympathetic. The fact that he looks like a giant, skinny Biff Tannen does not.
 
 
 
6. Plaxico Burress
This guy may not be the worst dude in the world, but he’s dumb enough that you feel compelled to punch him then scream, “What the hell were you thinking?” Three stupid things in one unlucky night for Mr. Burress. First, he brought a loaded gun into a club. Second, he wore sweatpants into a club. That’s just tacky. Thirdly, he tucked his gun into his sweatpants. SWEATPANTS! Of course something bad is going to happen if you tuck your gun into your sweatpants!
 
 
5. Philip Rivers
Rivers talks smack to his own fans, other teams’ fans, his own players, other teams’ players, and just about anyone who will listen. However, it seems that people have stopped listening after he has time and time again failed to meet expectations with so many weapons in his arsenal. He’s not Peyton Manning. He’s not even Eli Manning, yet he continues to strut around like owns the place, despite an obvious lack of success.
 
 
4. Serena Williams
Honestly, I just am curious to see how she could take the punch.
 
 
 
 
 
 
3. Wayne Rooney
Rooney is clearly among the elite in international soccer, but that just means he’s more visible and we want to slap him around a little more than a normal player. As one of my friends put it “he has a head like a potato,” which may not be grounds for punching him, but it doesn’t help matters. He’s got a pretty trashy outspoken wife, which we wouldn’t have to deal with if he didn’t marry her. And the constant threats about leaving Manchester United are getting a little old. According to him, they’re not “matching his ambitions.” Further, he may have been cheating on his childhood sweetheart (who was four months preggers with his child) with a prostitute. If one of the world’s most famous athletes, and you need a hooker to get laid, you’re a huge douche.
 
2. Roger Clemens
I wanted to keep this list limited to the field of current players, but the idea of adding Clemens was just too tempting. He bailed on the Red Sox, only to have a career renaissance probably due to our good friend steroids. Then he gets in front of panels, commissions, and congress, only to lie about it. Roger – if you’re going to lie to the American people, make sure you’ve got your trainer/juicing partner all muzzled up. Also, make sure that you’re at least smart enough to tie your shoes before trying to orchestrate a cover-up.
 
1. Tim Duncan
Duncan sorta seems like a decent guy. I mean, he’s probably the one guy on the Spurs that I could call up to ask him to help me move and he would. However, he’s pretty insufferable as a player. He has never (NOT ONCE) been called for a foul without getting that silly incredulous look on his face. Yeah, Timmy, you got called for a foul. Deal with it. He also might be the most boring superstar in sports. Asked if he has any vices, Duncan responded with, “Actually, yeah. I play too many video games.” Ugh. Go hang out with Stephen Jackson and Marbury for a weekend and get back to me. Further, Mr. MVP has never even made an exciting play as best I can remember. Baby hook put-back? Snoooooze.




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