9 Ridiculous Sports-Related Urban Legends

Don’t tell me if they’re not true. They’re true as long as we choose to believe them. And I choose to believe these because they’re hilarious. Don’t tell me otherwise, and certainly don’t let a stupid inconvenience like truth get in the way of a good story. As a “journalist,” I can say with absolute certainty that I never have. Let’s giggle at some implausible rumors.

9. “You’re with me, leather.”
The idea of Chris Berman stealing a girl from anyone is high, high comedy. The faint notion of him doing it in the manner described by one schlub is simply transcendent. According to lore, a man was flirting with a woman holding a leather jacket, as they often do, when Chris Berman (yeah, that one) simply walked up to her, gave her a tap, then said, “You’re with me, leather.”

She left with Berman, and all was right with the world. Or so it goes.

8. Back to the Future II Picked the 1997 World Series. .”
The fairly awesome sequel, which took place in 2012 (we’re almost there) demonstrated that in 1997, a Miami baseball team would beat the Indians in the World Series in seven games. This prediction was made despite the fact that there was no Miami-based baseball team when the film was made in 1989. The writer must have been a psychic. Or lucky. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

7. Fake Schilling Bloody Sock.”
In the 2004 ALCS, many believe that Schilling’s sock wasn’t actually stained red with blood, but rather, it was engineered to LOOK like it was stained with blood so…something. I don’t really see what the motive is to discolor your starting pitcher’s sock. Perhaps it would serve as a motivator for the team to overcome a tremendous deficit so that they could rally around it and win a historic world series. If so, whoever produced this little gem deserves an Oscar nod. Fake-bloody-sock-production is no small feat, people.

6. Bobby Riggs Threw the Battle of the Sexes.”
Bobby Riggs was a sexist jackass. The fact that he would do anything against his own hubris is comically unlikely. The notion that he would tank a match against a woman to, for some unknown, misguided reason, spark equality among the sexes is just plain wrong. He lost cause he was old and bad, not because he wanted to. Remember that, sports fans.

5. Who Wants to Sex Mutumbo? ”
Dikembe Mutumbo is high on the comedy charts when he plays it straight and just wags his long fingers after he blocks a shot. The story goes that he was at Georgetown, and, not being a heavy drinker, he rolled into a party wasted and simply surveyed the revelers with “Who wants to sex Mutumbo?” He might now have had the English nailed, but the spirit of the question transcends interpretation. If no one else steps up, I will. I will sex Mutumbo. #takinonefortheteam

4. Jimmy Hoffa Is Buried Under Giants Stadium.”
No one knows where the mobbed-up teamster boss was buried after his fateful meeting with two “associates” in 1975. Why do people think that the man was dispatched, then buried under Giants Stadium? Well, it is a lot sexier than the notion that he was shot twice in the head, then tossed in a dumpster. Grab a shovel and start looking for him…at your own peril.

3. Delonte West Banged LeBron’s Mom.”
After “The Decision,” let’s just all decide that this happened, despite the fact that there is no evidence to support it. While LeBron PROBABLY doesn’t deserve to get his mom sexed up by a former teammate, he PROBABLY deserves a rumor that it happened. We’re doing God’s work by spreading this one.

Besides, what woman could resist Delonte West?

2. Steve Nash’s Kid? .”
Steve Nash divorced his wife this winter. Once that was discovered (which wasn’t till this spring) it was widely circulated that Jason Richardson was the babydaddy. Why Jason Richardson? Why not? He’s not a likeable guy, he and Nash never had a great relationship, so let’s just say it was him. Bloggers even went so far as to track Nash’s travel 9 months before. He was away one weekend. He must not be the dad.

Only one problem. The baby wasn’t black. (sigh)

Next rumor…

1. Kevin Mitchell and Cat Heads.”
The rumor goes, per Dwight “Honesty” Gooden’s biography, that Mets slugger Kevin Mitchell, during their 1986, Bucker-assisted World Series run, got in a fight with his girl and, rather than talking things out, the way Jose Canseco would have done, cut the head off of her cat. Michael Vick’s legal and PR teams should have been citing this 8 ways from Sunday. A missed opportunity.

What evidence is there to support this? A crackhead’s cash-in biography. What else do you need?

Tags: Dikembe Mutumbo, sports, Urban Legends,