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9 Athletes Who Look Homeless

by: Howard Cosmell On  Thursday, June 30, 2011

Sports stars have always had a reputation for looking more slick and put-together than their rock star brethren, but in the past few years, there has been a widespread “dressing down” of athletes that has left many athletes looking like Ted Kaczynski or Old Dirty Bastard. OK, that’s an exaggeration, but many of our sports heroes seem to be letting themselves slide. They might be getting back to their roots or something; I don’t know. I do know that it wouldn’t kill them to comb their hair and pop in some Visine, though.

9. Randy Moss

Randy Moss was capable of looking quite put-together, but was also capable of completely letting himself go by forgoing the corn rows and letting his beard get a little unkempt. Of course, later in his career, this would prove to be a metaphor for “giving a f*ck.”

8. Ben Roethlisburger

Ben seems to always be wearing some sort of crass t-shirt that it looks like he was assigned from Goodwill, the same way some homeless kid in Ecuador is probably two months away from getting some deadstock “Miami Heat 2011 NBA Champs” shirt. Also, a reluctance to shave, propensity for stocking caps, and a sex-crazed look in his eye make everything but the fingerless gloves and a oil drum bonfire a foregone conclusion.

7. Bill Belichick

He’s got that pouty look on his face that I have seen before when nothing has worked out for a person. He looks like the whole world is against him and hasn’t smiled since the Reagan years. He storms purposefully up and down the sideline like a crazed homeless man that appears to be taking orders from some higher power.

Oh, and in case you’re not buying any of that, there’s the hoodie that he chops the sleeves off of. Why? I dunno, but I think “stabbing mobility” is probably a factor.

6. Marshawn Lynch

Not pictured: Hand tattoos

Despite being a fairly successful running back for the Seahawks, Lynch has a number of “red flags” that lead me to believe he could be a secret homeless person. First off, he’s got a serious propensity for chain restaurants, claiming Applebee’s is his favorite and once getting arrested outside of a TGI Fridays. You know who gets arrested outside TGI Fridays? Here’s a hint: not people with homes.

Also, he’s got those dark sunken eyes that are a little reminiscent of Rick James on day four of a bender, as well as hand tattoos.

5. Jon Daly

I will let this picture do most of the talking here. John Daly has lots of hallmarks of a street person, but unfortunately his kempt hair seems to keep him from realizing his potential. However, he can’t be well-groomed all the time, so in one of the few instances we see this guy without his Jimmy Johnson hair helmet, it’s pretty clear that if Daly weren’t puling in millions in tourneys and endorsements, he’d still be getting in the same type of trouble, looking like a fat Nick Nolte from that one mug shot.

4. Greg Oden

Greg Oden is clearly NOT a homeless person, but he does present himself as one time and again. For instance, He’s always sporting a pretty patchy beard. And he’s always hobbling around like someone who hasn’t been able to afford access to a doctor. Seriously, the deal breaker for Oden is the crutches, which have pretty much become part of his outfit these days. He should at least embrace the look and rock a cane.

3. Johnny Damon

Perhaps the frontrunner for the Jesus/homeless man look, Damon decided to spend his time with the Red Sox as “Unfrozen Caveman Baseball Player,” rocking long hair and a beard like some sort of biblical principal. While the unkempt mental patient look may have helped score him a title with Boston, it was short-lived, as he moved on to the Yankees, where Steinbrenner doesn’t stand for that type of crap.

2. Brian Wilson

Brian Wilson the Giant sorta looks like Brian Wilson the Beach Boy, who was about 30 years ahead of the curve on this homeless thing. While Wilson’s beard is surprisingly (obnoxiously?) well-trimmed, it still looks like he should be wearing sunglasses and panhandling as a blind man. I would give him a dollar, if only so he wouldn’t corner me and tell me about how the CIA has put a chip in his brain. Lousy CIA.

1. Pau Gasol

Pau looks like he hired the drunk lead singer of the Spin Doctors as his style consultant, always rocking perhaps the patchiest beard in the NBA, long, unkempt hair, and a look in his eye that he might lunge forward and bite you at any time. In reality, he seems to be a nice guy that just has a tendency to freeze up in the playoffs, but he always looks like he wants to rail against technology and then kick over a trashcan in every photo of him. Not very “LA” of him.




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