This Day In Sports History (August 25th) – Michael Schumacher
13 Pimped Out NFL Cars
The other day when I saw the news about Larry Fitzgerald’s new $120 million 8-year deal with the Arizona Cardinals, I thought to myself, “what the hell is he going to do with all that money?” Then I remembered, “oh, right, really fancy cars.” After all, pro-athletes are known for using their colossal incomes to indulge their love of pimped out rides, and NFL players are probably the most indulgent of the bunch. So I thought it would be fun to have a look at some of the NFL’s most ridiculous automobiles.
Now, my extensive research has shown that NFL players fall into one of five categories when is comes to automotive preference: (1) exotic foreign sports cars; (2) luxury SUVs with huge rims; (3) American muscle cars; (4) pimped out full-size sedans known as “donks”; and (5) regular boring cars, usually owned by kickers and the target of training camp pranks.
Obviously, you’re not going to see any category 5 cars on this list, because they’re lame. Instead, we’re gonna bring you only sweet, over-the-top rides. So sit back, and get ready to feel embarrassed that you drive a Hyundai.
13. Larry Fitzgerald’s 4 Cars
None of the Cardinals superstar wide receiver’s cars are that amazing. Not for a really rich football player, that is. Just two Benzes, a Rover and a BMW. However, this photo here was taken before Fitzgerald’s recent $120 million windfall. I’m willing to bet this obvious car-lover will soon be purchasing his nicest car to date.
12. Chilo Rachel’s Range Rover
This Range Rover is probably the 25-year-old 49ers offensive lineman’s first big car purchase as an NFL player. Or maybe not. I’m just guessing. In any case, it’s a very logical selection for a guy listed at 6’5”, 323 lb. Can you see him driving around in a tiny little Porsche 911 Turbo? Hell no. A guy like this needs some head and leg room.
11. Devin Hester’s Donk
Chicago Bears wide receiver and return specialist Devin Hester proves you can take a man out of the South, but you can’t take the South out of a man. Here we see the Florida native and his donk spotted by a fan (we presume) filling up at a gas station.
In case you aren’t familiar with the term “donk,” it’s obviously another name for the “Hi-Riser” (if you don’t know what that is, just go read a book already). The origin of the term is amusing. Back in the day, people thought the logo for the Chevy Impala looked like a donkey. When Impala’s became the urban gentleman’s car of choice in the 1990s, they shorted donkey to “donk.” Eventually, they just started calling any high-rise car with pimpin hydraulics a donk. Hey, look, you just learned something!
10. Chris Johnson’s Donk
At first, when I came across this car, I assumed the Chris Johnson in question was the Chris Johnson who is the Pro Bowl running back for the Tennessee Titans. But then I realized, why would that guy have a donk painted in Packer green and yellow? So I figured, it probably doesn’t belong to that Chris Johnson. And I was right. It turns out this car belongs to the Chris Johnson who is currently a cornerback for the Oakland Raiders but who began his career with the Green Bay Packers. Mystery solved, though no word on whether this car has received a fresh coat of paint.
9. Clinton Portis’s Maserati GranTurismo
As we move down the list, we begin to notice some patterns. Linemen seem to prefer category 2 automobiles (huge SUVs) for obvious reasons. The more agile guys from the Southern U.S. seem to have an affinity for category 4s (if you’re 400 pounds, that would probably mess up a donk’s hydraulics). Now, what about the “flashy” players like running backs and QBs? Well, as you’ll see here and going forward, they like category 1 cars—the flashy foreign speedsters. Why, just look at Redskins running back Clinton Portis’s sweet Maserati GranTurismo. Is this car hot, or what?
8. Chad Ochocinco’s 3 (Coolest) Cars
Here’s a guy who doesn’t quite fit the pattern. Of course, you’d expect that from a guy who legally changed his name to match his jersey number. As you can see, among Ochocinco’s automobile collection are a Bentley, a Charger and, best of all, a Lamborghini. Now, the Lamborghini fits the pattern we’ve established—flashy player, flashy car. I assume he just bought the others for occasions when an Italian supercar isn’t ideal. (I heard the Bentley is for going to church. Cause it’s classy, like God.)
7. Tom Brady’s Audi R8
I’m pretty sure the Audi R8 is perennially one of Esquire magazine’s favorite sexy sports cars. So it’s not a surprise that Tom Brady would have one. He is the quintessential all-American metrosexual male—pretty enough to make the ladies swoon, tough enough to kick some butt on the gridiron. Also, the sticker price on the R8 can go all the way up to $200K, which is rather befitting for one of the most successful QBs of all time.
6. Jacques Reeves’s Dodge Charger
Maybe Jacques Reeves has a more modest automobile because he’s not exactly an NFL superstar. (The cornerback is currently a free agent, having played for the Cowboys and the Texans.) Or maybe, like me, he just thinks there’s nothing more awesome than the deep gravelly roar of a bitchin’ American muscle car.
5. Reggie Bush’s Ferrari F430
Ferarri F430s run about $200K. However, if you threw in Reggie’s ex, Kim Kardashian (who is at the wheel in this photo), you could sell it for $5,200,000.
Speaking of Kim K, here’s the discussion topic of the day: if you were dating her—I know, she’s married now, but we’re talking about you dating her, so obviously this is pretend—would you let her drive your Ferarri?
4. Gerald Sensabaughs’s Ferrari F430
Like Reggie Bush, Dallas Cowboys safety Gerald Sensabough also has a Ferarri F430. Why do I rank his higher than Reggie’s? Better color, obviously.
3. Darren McFadden’s Donk
The former Arkansas Razorback and current Oakland Raider running back had a break through season last year. He went from 357 yards rushing in ’09 to 1,157 yards in 2010. From the looks of it, McFadden decided to reward himself with the most ridiculously awesome donk you’ll ever see. Of course, he went where all the big-shots go for his customized ride: California Wheels.
2. Thomas Jones’s Rolls Royce Phantom
Kansas City running back Thomas Jones has been around the league for a while now. So I guess at some point he decided he was done with this silly Range Rovers and Maseratis, and went and got himself a real luxury car. A basic Rolls Royce Phantom will set you back about $328,000. But a customized red Phantom? Damn.
1. Orpheus Roye’s 2007 Maybach 57S
Okay, I cheated. Orpheus Roye is retired. But he played for the Steelers as recently as 2008, and that’s close enough. Anyway, Orpheus’s Maybach isn’t the sexiest car on this list, but it’s base price certainly is the highest. At $400,000, it blows away all the other automobiles we’ve seen, customization aside. The cool thing about Orpheus, though, is that while he loves his super luxurious Maybach, he still owns and maintains the very first car he ever owned—a Buick—to remind him of where he came from.