9 People Who Probably Weren’t Too Upset That Michael Vick Got Hurt
As you probably know, on Sunday, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick had to leave the game after colliding awkwardly with one of his teammates. As it turns out, Vick suffered a concussion which may or may not keep him out of next week’s home opener against the Giants.
Regardless of how long Vick is out, his injury is kind of a big deal given all the controversy surrounding his two year “hiatus” from professional football. A lot of people have accepted and even welcomed Vick back to the NFL; however, there surely is no shortage of people who cracked a wry smile when they heard he got knocked upside the head.
For today’s list, we’re going to focus on the latter—because forgiveness is boring, and “hating” athletes, teams, and coaches is probably the reason why following pro sports is so cathartic. So without further ado, behold: 9 people who weren’t upset to see Michael Vick get hurt.
9. The New York Giants
The Giants are the Eagles’ oldest and biggest rivals. Plus, they are playing them in Philly next week. I’m sure they couldn’t be happier at the prospect of Michael Vick sitting out a few weeks and giving them a chance to keep up with or even surpass the heavily-favored Eagles.
I’m sure the Redskins and Cowboys are also pretty stoked at the chance to keep up in the difficult NFC East division. But who are we kidding? Those teams are going to choke at some point regardless of Vick’s injury status. That’s why I just went with the Giants for this one. (Honorable mention: Falcons fans.)
8. Mark Buehrle
Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle and his wife are big-time dog lovers who do a lot of charity work for animal rescue and adopt-a-pet organizations. Last year, Buehrle gave a candid and controversial interview in which he admitted that he and his wife found themselves kind of hoping that Michael Vick would get hurt. I don’t feel that way personally, but I didn’t really begrudge the Buehrle’s for feeling that way. After all, he didn’t say they hoped he would break his neck. A severely sprained ankle would have satisfied them. In any case, I’m sure Mark and his fam were among those who cracked a wry smile on Sunday.
7. Your Dog
Let’s face it. Dogs are loving happy-go-lucky creatures without a care in the world—until you cross them. Then they will stop at nothing to get vengeance. So your pooch was probably over the moon with excitement to hear that America’s most famous dog killer got his clock cleaned over the weekend. (I know mine was. We were watching the game on TV, and as soon as it happened he barked excitedly, ran in circles for two minutes, then humped his stuffed bunny rabbit. Pretty embarrassing, actually.)
6. That one guy in your fantasy football league
You know the one I’m talking about. He was obviously planning on drafting Vick with his first pick—like anyone who actually wants to win their fantasy football league would do—but when you got him first he was all like, “I wouldn’t want that guy, he doesn’t belong in the league.” Now that Vick is injured, he’s even more confident in his sanctimonious gloating. But you know in about 3 weeks he’ll inquire about a trade. Cause he’s a douche.
5. Vince Young
If there is anyone who stands to gain from a Michael Vick injury, it’s Vince Young, right? The 3rd-overall pick in the 2006 NFL draft had a rocky end to his tenure as the Titans’ QB, which pretty much derailed his career. I’m sure he’d love to get back on track and join the ranks of great quarterbacks who started out as backups (like Kurt Warner and Tom Brady). I’m also sure he probably doesn’t care if a teammate has to go down with an injury so he can get that chance.
4. The Dog Whisperer
Pit bull lover and celebrity dog trainer (who would have thought there would ever be such a thing?) Cesar Millan has made it his life’s work to rehabilitate dangerous dogs. His program (The Dog Whisperer) is probably the only reason people even know the National Geographic Channel exists. It’s also probably one of the main reasons why people are more sympathetic towards pit bulls than they were in years past. So it’s a safe bet this lovable Mexican-American wasn’t too happy to see such a high-profile celebrity adding to the problem.
He always says, “I rehabilitate dogs. I train people.” But even he probably couldn’t do much to help Michael Vick. Not without one of those prong collars, anyway. Cesar doesn’t seem like a vindictive guy, but I bet he didn’t shed too many tears over Vick’s concussion.
3. That crazy lady down the street with the 13 dogs and 21 cats
Almost every neighborhood has someone like this. She loves animals so much that she empathizes with them as though they were thinking, feeling human beings. That’s why she takes in every stray she comes across: she just can’t bare the idea of any harm coming to them. She’s crazy, yes, but you feel sorry for her, and respect her in a weird “I’m glad this woman isn’t related to me” sort of way.
Obviously, she cried hysterically when she read about how Michael Vick admitted to being involved in the “destruction” of 6-8 dogs. Thus, she’s one of those people picketing outside the football stadium when Vick and the Eagles come to town. And she was really happy he got his comeuppance.
A guy named “Pitbull” can’t be a fan of a guy famous for killing pit bulls, right? So it only stands to reason that recording artist Armando Christian Perez (that’s Pitbull’s real name) must be thrilled that Michael Vick is seeing stars. Then again, he’s been pretty busy touring the world with Enrique Iglesias and doing photo shoots with hot chicks on boats, so maybe he hasn’t had time to follow the NFL.
1. Your Mom
She doesn’t watch football—probably hates it—and almost certainly has no clue what team Michael Vick even plays for. But she remembers him from those horrible news stories about the dogfighting operation and has hated him ever since. So when she saw on the Today show that Vick was hurt, your mom probably said something to the effect of, “serves him right.”