With Christmas less than a week away, Total Pro Sports is pleased to announce that we were able to get our hands on a copy of a top-secret document even WikiLeaks couldn’t obtain: Santa’s naughty list.
Now, what many people probably don’t realize is that Santa Claus is actually a pretty big sports nut. So he keeps especially close tabs on famous athletes and other sports figures throughout the year—sometimes even scouting them in person, at the games—to make sure he gets it right come Christmas Eve.
Today, therefore, we bring you a sampling of the most notable athletes on Santa’s 2011 Naughty List. Unless these people can figure out a way to atone for their bad behavior in the next few days, they’re going to find giant lumps of coal in their stockings come December 25th.
(And no, you won’t find Jerry Sandusky or Bernie Fine here. They’re on Santa’s Evil Scumbag List, not his Naughty List.)
Usually, we threaten children with the prospect of being added to Santa’s naughty list. It’s a great way to get them to quit problematic behavior like pushing, hitting, pulling hair, or biting.
This year, someone should have given Vancouver Canucks forward Alex Burrows a heads up. During Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals back in June, the notorious NHL pest did his best 4-year-old impression when he chomped down on the gloved finger of Bruins forward Patrice Bergeron.
15. Alex Burrows
In September the Boston Red Sox completed one of the most epic last-season collapses in the history of Major League Baseball thanks in no small part to their atrocious starting pitching.
So why were their high-priced pitchers so bad?
Because during games their top guys—Josh Beckett, John Lackey, and Jon Lester—would hang out in the clubhouse drinking beer, eating fried chicken, and playing video games instead of sitting on the bench with their teammates.
Dudes, there’s no Call of Duty in “TEAM.”
14. Beckett, Lackey, and Lester
The 2004 NASCAR Sprint Cup champion is currently unemployed and seeing a sports psychologist after a video of him cussing out ESPN reporter Dr. Jerry Punch went viral on YouTube.
Mind your language, Kurt. Did you forget that Santa sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, and, moreover, whether or not you’ve been bad or good?
13. Kurt Busch
It looked like Serena was on her way to a fantastic career comeback at this year’s U.S. Open, as she dominated on her way to a finals match-up against Australia’s Samantha Stosur. But the tennis superstar had an embarrassing hissy fit during the match after the umpire docked her a point for shouting while Stosur was trying to make a shot. She told the umpire she was “a loser,” “a hater,” and worst of all, was “unattractive on the inside.” Ouch.
12. Serena Williams
The New York Post dropped a hilarious bombshell last week: apparently, notoriously eligible bachelor Derek Jeter gives gift baskets with Jeter memorabilia to his hookups. How did this juicy gossip get out? Rumor has it that one of his hookups got pissed off when he gave her a second Jeter gift basket because he forgot it wasn’t the first time she had spent the night.
Forgetting who you’re sleeping with? Giving girls autographed baseballs as a “thanks for having sex with me” gift? Smooth.
11. Derek Jeter
In one of the most awesome things to happen in sports this year, or maybe ever, a couple of retired (and very elderly) CFL Hall of Famers got into a fistfight at a friendly CFL alumni luncheon back in November. And it was all caught on video.
As you can see from this clip, Joe Kapp shoves a flower in Angelo Mosca’s face, then Mosca retaliates by hitting Kapp in the side of the head with his cane. Next thing you know, it’s an all-out brawl.
Unless Santa doesn’t have an internet connection up in the North Pole (and I’m pretty sure he does), these guys aren’t getting anything from the big jolly fella this year.
10. Angelo Mosca & Joe Kapp
Back in May, it was revealed that one of the nation’s most prominent college football coaches presided over one of the stupidest NCAA rules violations in the history of college football.
What did Jim Tressel do that was so bad? He traded Ohio State memorabilia for tattoos. Seriously. He traded a National Championship ring to the owner of a tattoo parlor so his players could get inked up. Smart.
9. Jim Tressel
On April 18, Cincinnati Reds starting pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting $60 worth of t-shirts from the Macy’s in downtown Cincinnati. He claimed he was just trying to make an even exchanged for shirts he had already purchased, but was just too impatient to go through the official exchange process. Maybe that was true, but Santa doesn’t like lazy people, either, Mike.
8. Mike Leake
If it’s not one thing it’s another for poor Wayne Rooney. Last year he was on the naughty list after word got out that he (may or may not have) cheated on his pregnant wife with a hooker back in 2009. This year the Manchester United striker makes Santa’s naughty list for spewing a string of profanities directly into a camera after scoring a hat trick against West Ham United last April. (He also got suspended for two games.)
Come on, Wayne. There are children watching.
7. Wayne Rooney
Speaking of children, former NHLer Mike Milbury earned a spot on Santa’s Naughty List just last week by grabbing and verbally assaulting a kid at his son’s hockey game in Massachusetts.
Actually, come to think of it, we’re not sure if Mike Milbury ever got off the Naughty List after climbing into the stands and beating up New York Rangers fans back in 1979.
6. Mike Milbury
Ryan Braun’s people are saying there is a perfectly good explanation for why he failed a drug test this past October. But I’m a guilty until proven innocent kind of guy, and I think Santa is too. So Ryan Braun is on the Naughty List until he proves he didn’t win the NL MVP award by using steroids.
5. Ryan Braun
Last spring, former NHLer and ESPN hockey analyst Matthew Barnaby was arrested for a domestic dispute outside the home of his estranged wife in Buffalo, NY...strike one. Then, on December 5 he was arrested and charged with a DWI...strike two.
Unfortunately for Barnaby, ESPN doesn’t wait around for strike three, and neither does Santa. The network canned him, and old Saint Nick added him to the Naughty List.
4. Matthew Barnaby
In March, police in Garland, Texas, arrested Tampa Bay Buccaneer Aqib Talib for “aggravated assault with a deadly weapon” after he allegedly fired a gun at his sister’s boyfriend. That put him on Santa’s Naughty List, but it didn’t cost him his day job. Released on $25,000 bond, Talib has been playing cornerback for the Bucs all season long while he awaits trial.
3. Aqib Talib
Darius Miles seems to be somehow affiliated with the Charlotte Bobcats; however, he hasn’t played a game in the NBA since 2009, and then it was with the Memphis Grizzlies. Not that it really matters, because Miles aint playing any basketball these days after getting arrested at Lambert International Airport in St. Louis this past August for trying to bring a loaded gun past the security checkpoint. Whoops.
2. Darius Miles
The naughtiest athlete on Santa’s Naughty List this year has to be Sam Hurd. Last Wednesday, Hurd was arrested outside a steakhouse in Chicago after making a deal to buy 20 lbs of cocaine and 1,000 lbs of marijuana with an undercover agent who was part of a drug sting. Two days later, his lawyer issued a statement saying that Sam wanted to make it perfectly clear that he never ever sold drugs to fellow NFL players.
I guess he thought it would be better for everyone to assume he only sold drugs to poor inner city kids.
Santa would leave this idiot a lump of coal on Christmas, except that he knows Sam would probably just try to sell it to some junkie. Also, even for Santa it’s hard to break into and out of prison.
1. Sam Hurd
Derek Jeter, Kurt Busch, ryan braun, Sam Hurd, serena williams, Wayne Rooney,