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9 Douchiest Players You’ll See In 2012

by: Howard Cosmell On  Thursday, January 19, 2012

Could the number of d-bags in sports be dwindling? I’m hesitant to say “yes,” because that never seems to be the case, but after conducting an exhaustive search, it seems like much of the old guard (Moss, Haynesworth, A-Rod) is on its way out. And while there will always be new players to take their spot, they don’t seem to be as monumentally douchey as their predecessors. Of course, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until they come into their own, but for right now, let’s just enjoy the silence for a moment.

Ok. That’s enough of that. Here’s a rundown of people we can expect to bother us in the coming year.

9. LeBron James

The man was insufferable last year as he coasted on his talents, playing second-fiddle to D-Wade. As he failed to show up for the finals (again), he continued to goof around, making fun of Dirk Nowitzki’s flu symptoms. The Heat got their ass handed to them. Unfortunately, now it seems that the Heat have gotten their house in order, which means it should only be a matter of days, if not minutes, that BronBron continues to act like the 14 year-old he is, incapable of doing more than playing a support role. If he gets that ring, then it’s going to be completely insufferable.

8. Sean Avery

It wouldn’t be a list of asshats if we didn’t discuss Sean Avery, now would it? Sure, he’s a tenacious player, but his quality of play has fallen off in recent years. Normally, this would shut a player up. Not Avery, though. He is one of the guys that has no problem substituting biting with barking. We’ve heard it before, and he’s been reprimanded, but once a jerk, always a jerk. Especially in a media-frenzy city like NYC, it’s only a matter of time before he flails about and says, “Me too!”

7. Floyd Mayweather

2011 was a pretty quiet year for Mayweather. Normally, that would be an indication that the subject has learned his or her lesson and might be toeing the line. Not Money Mayweather. As long as he has some gas left in the tank (and probably long after), we’ll be hearing from him the 364 days a year he isn’t actually boxing.   You’ve seen his dad, right? I’m sure that’s the level of crazy we will be getting from Floyd as he gets on in years.

6. Peyton Hillis

What is it with NFL players and contract disputes? It seems like, in every other sport, the players will at least suit up to play, having faith that the contract will get worked out in good faith. Not in football, though. In football, players will sit out until they get paid. Peyton Hillis claimed to have strep midway through the season, but his agent later admitted that he had advised Hillis to sit as part of a bargaining strategy. The lack of loyalty or duty here is Haynesworth-esque.

5. David Beckham

He’s no longer the domestic property of the Galaxy (and it never really felt like he was, given his injuries and “meh” attitude) and it’s clear that his career is well past its peak. That said, he’ll be taking his “talents” elsewhere, and giving the soccer world a spectacle they are clamoring for, based on his brand name alone. Buyer beware: You’re overpaying for a name, not a result, with Beckham.

4. Ozzie Guillen

If you can get past his pissy, foul-mouthed attitude (no small feat), you still have to contend with the fact that he’s one of the more egocentric managers around, thinking that every contention results from a plan to befoul him. He was the White Sox’ problem, but he’s now down Miami way, which should make for an interesting backdrop for his fiery temper. Keep tossing around the word “fag,” Oswaldo. See how far that gets you in South Beach.

3. Birdman

Chris Andersen seems, by all accounts, a decent guy, but his appearance alone is enough to land him on this list. Looking like a close relative of Biff Tannen, and with enough tattoos to make Dennis Rodman cry foul, no player who has eked out five rebounds and five points has ever worked so hard to command attention. How does he top himself in 2012? My guess is that he petitions the league to inquire if he can play games while wearing a giant python wrapped around his neck. It’s a possibility, folks!

2. Phillip Rivers

This guy doesn’t have the stoicism or the intelligence to lead his team the way a great QB does, but that hasn’t stopped him from carrying himself like he’s one. It’s an odd juxtaposition. I don’t see Rivers going anywhere in the near future, nor do I see the Chargers going anywhere, so we’ll have to deal with this guy for a while longer while he talks his team all the way to mediocrity.

1. Jerry Sandusky

Think the scandal has waned? No way, man. This thing is going to go to trial and it’s going to be a very big deal, and lots of important Penn State people will get publicly implicated in one capacity or another. Sure, to call this guy a “douchebag” (or an “athlete) comes woefully short of the heart of the matter, but this is as good a forum as any to remind everyone that 2012 could outshine late 2011 in terms of sullying the name of Penn State athletics.