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9 NFL Prima Donnas Who Didn’t Make The Playoffs

by: Howard Cosmell On  Friday, January 6, 2012
Tags:  Douche   Football   NFL   Playoffs  

Not much of an intro is required here, except the Germans have a word for what you feel when these high-maintenance NFL prima donnas don’t get the glory they so desperately seek. It’s called schadenfraude, and it means “pleasure derived from the misfortune of others.” Yup. That’s what this list makes me feel. “Schadenfraude.” I could see myself using this word a lot.

9. Dez Bryant

Sure, he has been on decent behavior since his debut a few years back, but the stories behind the scenes are that the dude is a handful the likes of Michael Irvin, only Irvin had the numbers to make his behavior more tolerable. And a whole grip of Super Bowl rings, which the Cowboys won’t be getting to for quite some time.

8. Philip Rivers

Phillip Rivers will have to make insanely goofy faces from home this winter, as his Chargers, fearlessly led by Norv Turner, will be sitting out these playoffs. Turner certainly shoulders some of the blame, but Rivers’ big mouth and inability to lead certainly play a factor as well.

7. Albert Haynesworth

Haha. “Albert Haynesworth.” You don’t even need to make a joke. Just say his name and you’ll get a laugh. This pathetic, childish tub of goo is currently on the Tampa Bay stop of his “Randy Moss Memorial ‘What Team Will Still Take Me?’ Tour.” And it’s not going very well.

6. Vince Young

Ok. He’s had some mental issues, so I’ll cut him some slack. For what it’s worth, I think those are sincere. What I don’t think is sincere is his commitment to football beyond that. I think that his problems are worse than he lets on, which is why his flashes of brilliance have waned over the years, and even his most adamant supporters from his UT days have all but forgotten him. He’ll have a few more off weeks to address the problem this year.

5. Peyton Hillis

It would seem that being a prima donna and playing for the Cleveland Browns would be quite incongruous. It seems that way because that’s the case. Peyton Hillis has been an injured ingrate, which doesn’t really jive in Cleveland, especially since the departure of the city’s last prima donna. Perhaps you caught some press on it? If he’s trying ot put himself in a bargaining position, he’s going about it all wrong, but he’s got the offseason and the duration of the playoffs to make things right.

4. Jerry Jones

Don’t feel like I’m stretching the definition of the term by calling him a prima donna. An owner that is in WAY over his head as GM, Jones refuses to turn over the reins just because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if some glory went to anyone but him. Of course, there isn’t a lot of glory in Dallas these days, largely due to the fact that he’s running the show.

3. Dan Snyder

I’ll be the first to admit this is a thin premise for a piece, so let’s bash another wildly unpopular owner, shall we? Snyder is probably more reviled than any other owner in the league, not just because he treats his franchise like a business, but because he runs his business with such a tight fist that he’s losing customers (fans). The Skins have ebbed and flowed, but they weren’t able to distinguish themselves even in the substandard NFC East.

Chris Johnson

This fallen-from-grace running back will have plenty of time to work on his record label, titled “Flashy Lifestyle Productions,” (wasn’t that the name of the company in Stepbrothers?) since the Titans didn’t get an invite to the dance. Well, it’s not hard to believe that a guy with a very handsome grill of gold will have no trouble filling the coming weeks, pissing away money at strip clubs, his mind already off of football.


Adam Jones is probably the most troubled, infantile player in a league that’s filled with troubled, infantile men. It’s fitting that he’s in Cincinnati, a sort of purgatory in which he can sort of wait out the rest of his career, and a place where bad players go, like an Island of Misfit Toys, to while away their days, their bad influence contained by the state lines of Ohio.