Don’t look now, but Christmas is now less than two weeks away. And while you may think that still leaves you plenty of time to make your shopping list, formulate a plan, and then put it into action, you’re probably wrong. You’ve only got four more weekend days to shop, and since two of them are NFL Sundays, you actually only have two. Thus, chances are, if you haven’t got your shopping done by now, you’re going to be checking out the selection at Walgreens on December 23. Again.
Luckily good old St. Nick doesn’t leave things to the last minute like you do. He’s on the ball and has known for months and weeks now who would be getting a PlayStation 4 this Christmas and who would be getting a lump of coal.
Of course, since I have some connections up with the North Pole, as usual I’ve obtained a list of athletes on the dreaded Naughty List this year. And because I really enjoy publicly shaming people, today I’m going to share it with you.
Ready to take a look? Well then, here you go…
Hey, we've all been there, Desmond. Let he who hasn't gotten so wasted that he mistook some complete stranger's house for his own and broken into it cast the first stone. No, what really cemented your place on Santa's naughty list was the mugshot. It was just embarrassing. Santa expects more of a Harvard Man, Desmond.
15. Desmond Bryant
The NCAA may not have had the balls to suspend the biggest star in college football, but come on, do you really expect Santa to believe Johnny Manziel signed all those autographs out of the kindness of his heart, just so a broker could get rich off them? Yeah right.
Then there's the drinking and partying. Santa knows that's what college kids do, but not every college kid has the chance to be a millionaire football player. So he (Santa) would really rather see Mr. Football tone down the drunken shenanigans.
14. Johnny Manziel
There are a lot of NHL players on Santa's Naughty List. However, for some reason, Santa found Shawn Thornton's attack on Brooks Orpik the most outrageous offense in 2013. Maybe it's because Thornton had to go out of his way to inflict pain, or maybe it's because Santa is just sick and tired of the Bruins. The point is, Thornton is the naughtiest NHLer right now.
13. Shawn Thornton
Lots of athletes get arrested for lots of bad things, and Santa is bothered by them all. However, Santa was especially disappointed in Florida football player Antonio Morrison this year. Not only did he get arrested twice in the span of a month, but the second time he was charged with harassing a police animal because he stuck his face in a cop car and barked at a police dog.
Who does that?
12. Antonio Morrison
Come on, Bill Russell. You are one of the greatest basketball players of all-time and a national freaking treasure. That's why you were awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2011. So Santa was very disappointed to hear that you got arrested at the Seattle airport on October 16 because you tried to take a loaded .38 pistol on a plane in your carry-on luggage. Obviously, Santa understands that this was probably some really stupid mistake, as you had a permit for the gun. But still, get it together, man. You're Bill Russell. The NBA Finals MVP Award is named after you.
11. Bill Russell
Why does Ryan Braun get singled out here, when Alex Rodriguez, Nelson Cruz, Jhonny Peralta, and others were also suspended by MLB for their affiliations with the Biogenesis clinic this year?
Well, for starters, when it comes to A-Rod, this was nothing new. Everyone knew he used PEDs, so his legacy was already ruined. More importantly, none of the other guys made a huge stink about their connection to PEDs. They got caught, they took their suspension, and that was it.
But not Ryan Braun. When Braun tested positive in 2011, he lawyered up and beat the rap on a technicality. Then he basically slandered the guy who collected the sample and accused him of incompetence in a big, fancy speech—all of which man him look like an even bigger douche when MLB found more evidence.
Plus, Aaron Rodgers is Santa's favorite quarterback, and Braun made his buddy look like an idiot. So Santa wrote Ryan's name on the Naughty List in bold and underlined it.
10. Ryan Braun
As we just noted, there were lots of cheaters in the world of sports this year. However, only one of them (that we know of) tried to cheat by using a fake penis to urinate into a sample cup.
That one cheater? Italian runner Devis Licciardi.
Remember, Devis, Santa sees you when your sleeping; he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, or have used a fake penis to pee into a cup.
9. Devis Licciardi
Adam "Pacman" Jones is always on Santa's Naughty List, but this year the cornerback has really outdone himself by racking him his seventh and eighth arrests since entering the NFL.
The second one came in September and wasn't that big of a deal for a guy like Jones. Apparently he mouthed off to some cops who pulled over a car he was riding in, so they arrested him. However, Jones' first arrest of 2013 was bad. He got into a fight outside a Cincinnati nightclub and punched—are you ready?—a woman.
8. Pacman Jones
You know what Santa really doesn't like? People who use the n-word and threaten to sh*t in somebody's mouth.
Now, word has it Richie appealed his Naughty List status by claiming that he didn't mean the n-word "like that," and that everybody uses it in the locker room. But Santa saw that other video of Richie using the n-word, so Richie will remain on the Naughty List for the foreseeable future.
7. Richie Incognito
Speaking of d-bag white guys using the n-word...Riley Cooper, everybody! Santa saw that clip of Riley being a racist at a Kenny Chesney concert, and he did not like it one bit.
6. Riley Cooper
Santa hear you say you were going to invite Tiger Woods over for dinner and serve fried chicken, Sergio, and he did not find it amusing. Santa thinks you are probably a racist, because that's a pretty racist thing to say. You racist.
5. Sergio Garcia
In Mike Rice's defense, who knew that verbally and physically abusing players was against the rules or in any way morally questionable?
Oh, right. Everyone.
Sorry, Mike, you're on the Naught List. Santa things you need to get professional help for controlling your rage.
4. Mike Rice
You know what Santa finds even more despicable than coaches who abuse their players? Men who abuse their wives and girlfriends. Thus, he's especially disappointed in Avalanche goalie Semyon Varlamov this year.
Of course, in the court of law you are innocent until proven guilty, and it has not be proven yet that Varlamov actually did stomp her and tell her, "if this were Russia, he would have beat her more." But Santa doesn't have to abide by a court's decision. He's marked Semyon down on the naughty list, and if it turns out that he really didn't do it then he'll give him two gifts next year to make up for it.
3. Semyon Varlamov
Yep, this one was depressing. One of the big heroes of the 2012 Summer Olympics, Oscar Pistorius—the Blade Runner—shot and killed his girlfriend on Valentine's Day. This is not even disputed. He's admitted that he fired the shots. What is disputed? Well, Pistorius said he thought she was an intruder into his own.
Santa isn't buying that defense, though, so Oscar is on the naughty list.
2. Oscar Pistorius
Sadly, there were two extremely high-profile murder cases involving athletes this year. The Oscar Pistorius case was one, and the Aaron Hernandez case was the other.
My sources in the North Pole say Santa is pretty bummed out about this. Fortunately, there were also a lot of good, uplifting sports stories this year to remind us of the goodness in humanity. Maybe Santa can take his mind of the bad guys by reading about those.