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Johnny Manziel Targeted by Ridiculous Fake Lawsuit that Claims Mr. Football Won’t Shut Up About His Small Penis
This week, the world got wind of a $25 million sexual harassment lawsuit filed against Johnny Manziel in Florida by someone claiming to be CNN contributor Samantha Schacher. It even listed the complainant’s address as CNN’s Atlanta headquarters, just to make things perfectly clear.
Today, though, Schacher has come out and said the thing is fake, identifying the real culprit as a serial lawsuit filer named Jonathan Lee Riches, a convicted felon who has filed ridiculous lawsuits against such celebrities as Bill Belichick, Michael Vick, Martha Stewart, George W. Bush, Mark Cuban, and Perez Hilton just to name a few.
Here’s the thing, though. You didn’t really need Schacher to deny the veracity of the lawsuit to know that it was total bullshit. You just had to read the thing.
Here are some of the insane, penis-related allegations, word for word:
“On Christmas Eve, 2013, Johnny Manziel sent me a Instagram photo of himself naked to me Facebook with Manziel putting a hotdog bun between his penis, smiling, calling me ‘Ho, Ho, Ho…’”
“Johnny Manziel refers to his penis as his Vienna Sausage and told me good things come from small packages.”
“Manziel told me if I don’t want him because his penis is small, when he gets drafted by the NFL he will get a penis enlargement and he’ll be Long John Silvers.”
“Johnny Manziel said he Skyes [Skypes?] with Judereon Clowney [Jadaveon?] in South Carolina, and Clowney sent Manziel a Pic of is penis which was 9 inches, and Manziel showed it to me on Skype and asked me if I could handle that monster.”
“Manziel sent me a homemade video of himself at Walt Disney World on “It’s a Small World” ride in the Magic Kingdom, and while the song is on, he puts the camera down and unbuttons his pants, pulls his penis out and jingles his penis to the music.”
See? It’s utterly ridiculous.
That being said, while I hate to encourage people to abuse our legal system any more than rich people already do, I also must admit: these are actually pretty damn funny.
I especially like the one about Johnny jingling his little Johnny to “It’s a Small World After All.” That’s creative.
Hat Tip – [Deadspin]