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Alex Ovechkin and Maria Kirilenko Call Off Engagement, Leaving the World to Question Everything It Thought It Knew About Love

by: Penn Collins On  Monday, July 21, 2014

Screen Shot 2014-07-21 at 7.11.52 PMRussian power couple Alex Ovechkin and Maria Kirilenko have called off their high-profile engagement after a year and a half of engagement and a year and a half of dating before that. The NHL MVP and the tennis star are asking for their privacy during this time, which is sort of like me asking for world peace – it’s an adorable request, but it’s not going to happen. Date a schoolteacher if you want privacy, guys.

Kirilenko released the following statement:

Our relationship is over, but I respect Sasha [Ovechkin] as a person and as an athlete, and I respectfully wish him further sporting success. 

Ouch! She said “respect” twice and wishes him “sporting success.” Then she referred to him as Sasha. That’s the PR equivalent of taking a dump on someone’s head.

When providing an explanation for their breakup through the Russian Tennis Federation (which is the same medium through which I like to disseminate news about my personal life), Maria Kirilenko said there were “lots of reasons.” Based on the above picture, I would venture a guess that two of those reasons might be general dentistry and not understanding how sleeve length on a t-shirt works.

On the plus side, we’re all free to sleep with Maria Kirilenko now. Your only roadblock, respect for Alex Ovechkin’s monogamous relationships, is no longer an issue.