Santa is still in the final stages of putting together his naughty list for 2014. However, every year our insider sources at the North Pole give us the inside scoop as to which sports personalities will be getting a lump of coal from jolly old St. Nick. And today we’re sharing that intelligence with you.
Of course, this year there happens to be an unusually high number athletes on Santa’s naughty list, with misdeeds ranging from mild to severe. So today’s list certainly is not comprehensive. Instead, it’s just the names on Santa’s naughty list that really jump out at you when you see them. In fact, I’m sure you can probably guess who some of them are. (Ray Rice, anyone?)
You probably couldn’t guess all of them though. So enough stalling. Let’s get started and see the other big sports names who top Santa’s naughty list in 2014…
First off, Santa is very disappointed in Luis Suarez this year. The Bearded One, like everyone else, believes full-grown adults should be able to resist the urge to bite other full-grown adults in non-life threatening situations. And yet, against Italy in Uruguay's final group game 2014 FIFA World Cup, the superstar striker bit Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini.
Santa's not going to leave a lump of coal in Suarez's stocking. He's going to leave him a milk bone.
15. Luis Suarez
Josh Shaw, Santa doesn't fully understand your reasons for jumping off your third story balcony to avoid the police. Maybe you were genuinely afraid of the police in the wake of what happened in Ferguson, or maybe you were doing things that you shouldn't have been doing. Santa wasn't there, so Santa can't say.
What Santa doesn't like is the fact that you LIED to everyone about it in the most ridiculous way possible. You thought you'd make up a story about jumping off a balcony to save a drowning child, and the story would just go away? Seriously?
Santa is very worried about your lack of judgement, Josh.
14. Josh Shaw
Santa loves hockey players. After all, the guy practically lives in Canada. (The Russians also claim the North Pole, but Putin is on Santa's political leaders naughty list for trying to steal the Crimea, so Santa currently identifies as a Canuck.) However, the Big Man was not impressed with the behavior of Flyers captain Claud Giroux on Canada Day.
What did Giroux do? He got wasted in Ottawa at a bar called The Great Canadian Cabin and sexually harassed a male police officer, which in turn got him thrown in the slammer.
So sorry, Claude. You'll have to wait until next year for those two front teeth. This year it's a lump of coal.
13. Claude Giroux
Santa doesn't know what to think about the rape allegations against Jameis Winston. On the one hand, he'd like to think that if the claims are true, the police would have done something about it. On the other hand, Santa knows what football culture is like on college campuses, and especially in Tallahassee. So he thinks it is totally plausible that rape allegations against a superstar quarterback could get swept under the rug.
That being said, Santa knows for a fact that Jameis Winston stole crab legs from a grocery store this year, because Santa saw the surveillance video with his own eyes. And since stealing is wrong, Santa has no choice but to place the former Heisman winner on the naughty list.
12. Jameis Winston
Dear DeMarco, as you probalby know, Santa is firmly ensconced in the Judeo-Christian ethical tradition. That means he's a big proponent of the Ten Commandments, which are pretty clear on the subject of boning your neighbors wife. (FYI, they're against it.)
So DeMarco, if you have evidence to refute those text messages Brennan Clay posted on Twitter, now would be the time to reveal it. Otherwise you're going on the naughty list in big bold caps.
11. DeMarco Murray
Remember when Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay was arrested for a DUI in March, with a bunch of drugs and a briefcase full of cash in his car? Well, the NFL and the legal system may take it easy on him because he's extremely wealthy (all he got was a year's probation and a six-game ban), but Santa won't. Santa holds all people to account, whether filthy rich or dirt poor. So Jim is getting diddly squat from the big man this year.
10. Jim Irsay
Look, Dan. Santa thinks you should change your team's name. He doesn't think this is a case of "The Political Correctness Police" getting out of control, because Santa suspects he might find a Native American football team called the "Paleskins" offensive. And he would like to think that, if a bunch of white people came forward and told the Native Americans who own the team that they find it offensive, they wouldn't tell them "you're wrong to feel offended."
That being said, Santa thinks even the people who disagree with him on that issue can still agree that you are a huge a**hole who treats your most loyal fans like garbage. Santa has not forgotten the time you sued a little old lady who couldn't afford her PSL fees, and only let her out of the contract after the Washington Post ran a story about it.
Those kinds of things really stick with Santa, Dan. You're not getting off the naughty list any time soon.
9. Dan Snyder
Every year, at shopping malls all across the glove, Santa tells millions of boys and girls to be nice to their brothers and sisters—to share their toys, play nicely, and not hit. So Santa was very disappointed to hear that US Women's National Soccer Team goalie Hope Solo was arrested in Kirkland, Washington, this summer on battery charges after (allegedly) hitting her sister and nephew at a family party.
In fact, Santa thinks Hope Solo may need some counselling. This is not the first domestic incident in which she's been involved. She seems to be a magnet for drama.
8. Hope Solo
Santa didn't think much of this photo at first. He just kind of glanced at it and assumed it was a photo from a UFC fight or something.
When Santa learned that this was not a UFC fight—that it was Australian rugby player Ben Fowler, and that this horrifyingly violent incident occurred during a championship game—Kris Kringle was dismayed. He immediately took out his fountain pen with the glittering gold ink and added "BEN FOWLER" to his naughty list.
(Seriously, click that link and watch the video. The guy got a six-month ban, and that might be lenient.)
7. Ben Fowler
Sorry, Roger, Santa is with Bill Simmons on this one. When it comes to that whole Ray Rice knocking his wife out in the elevator thing, he thinks you were incompetent at best and complicitous in a coverup at worst.
Either way, you get a lump of coal.
6. Roger Goodell
Santa is willing to give Adrian Peterson the benefit of the doubt. He wants to believe AP is good person deep down in his heart, that he's actually just huge moron who didn't realize what he was doing—whipping his son with a stick—was so incredible awful.
Still, Santa is very disappointed in the former NFL MVP, and he has no choice but to put Adrian on the naughty list. People have to know Santa is anti-child abuse.
Jeff Taylor's domestic assault case didn't get the publicity that the Ray Rice case got, because Jeff Taylor wasn't caught on video. However, Santa sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're away, and he knows when you're beating up your girlfriend at a hotel in East Lansing, Michigan.
Santa is proud of the NBA and Commissioner Adam Silver, though. They learned from the NFL's mistakes and suspended Taylor for 24 games right after he pled guilty.
3. Jeff Taylor
Santa doesn't care what Janay Rice has to say about why her husband hit her, or why she stayed with him. Every time Santa sees this video, he imagines Mrs. Clause with a big black eye, totally limp, getting dragged out of an elevator. And it just makes Santa so angry.
So sorry, Ray Rice. You don't just get a lump of coal. You get a whole sack of coal. And Santa's going to dump it all over the couch in your living room.
2. Ray Rice
You probably didn't see this coming, did you? You probably assumed Ray Rice would take the top spot. But no, the sports name at the very top of Santa's naughty list this year is FIFA President Sepp Blatter.
Why? Well, it's not just because FIFA is corrupt, or that the bidding process for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar was obviously rigged, or that Blatter refuses to reveal the results of an investigation into that bidding process matter. It's much, much worse than that.
You see, since the summer, numerous reports have come out about the horrendous working conditions of the people building the infrastructure for the 2022 event. It's basically slave labor, and people are dying. Sony even pulled their sponsorship of the World Cup because they don't want to be associated with any of it.
But Sepp Blatter? Nah, he's fine with all of this, apparently. And that puts him on the top of Santa's naughty list in 2014.
1. Sepp Blatter
Arrests, Christmas, domestic violence, DUI, racism, santa claus,