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9 Sports Fights That Would Be Better Than Karl Malone vs. Kobe Bryant

by: Penn Collins On  Friday, February 13, 2015

karl malone vs. kobe bryant
Yesterday morning, the Internet was abuzz from a Huffington Post interview which informed us that Karl Malone vs. Kobe Bryant is a fight that could be in the cards. While it’s been almost a decade since anyone gave much consideration to Karl Malone, he still sounds like he’s been thinking a lot about Kobe Bryant. Namely, how he wants to beat Kobe Bryant’s ass. This all started in 2004 when Kobe accused Karl Malone of making a pass at Vanessa Bryant, which is pretty funny considering what Kobe did about a year later. The Mailman said in the video interview that he would be willing to “knuckle up” with Kobe, which is also the best euphemism for fighting that I’ve ever heard. Karl Malone vs. Kobe Bryant likely won’t be coming to a PPV channel near you any time soon, but it does get us thinking…

“WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 9?” YOU ASK?

Inquisitive little thing there, aren’t you? It turns out we have our top 9 right here. We would pay good money to see these matchups find a home in Vegas. Pacquiao-Mayweather money, honestly. Sure, the quality of the fights wouldn’t be great, but it would be wildly more entertaining to watch name, non-fighting athletes throw down to satisfy our own bloodlust.

Oh, and I put a live bear on here because I wanted to see one of the entrants fight a large bear.

Intro

karl malone vs. kobe bryant
Yesterday morning, the Internet was abuzz from a Huffington Post interview which informed us that Karl Malone vs. Kobe Bryant is a fight that could be in the cards. While it’s been almost a decade since anyone gave much consideration to Karl Malone, he still sounds like he’s been thinking a lot about Kobe Bryant. Namely, how he wants to beat Kobe Bryant’s ass. This all started in 2004 when Kobe accused Karl Malone of making a pass at Vanessa Bryant, which is pretty funny considering what Kobe did about a year later. The Mailman said in the video interview that he would be willing to “knuckle up” with Kobe, which is also the best euphemism for fighting that I’ve ever heard. Karl Malone vs. Kobe Bryant likely won’t be coming to a PPV channel near you any time soon, but it does get us thinking…

“WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 9?” YOU ASK?

Inquisitive little thing there, aren’t you? It turns out we have our top 9 right here. We would pay good money to see these matchups find a home in Vegas. Pacquiao-Mayweather money, honestly. Sure, the quality of the fights wouldn’t be great, but it would be wildly more entertaining to watch name, non-fighting athletes throw down to satisfy our own bloodlust.

Oh, and I put a live bear on here because I wanted to see one of the entrants fight a large bear.

NFL: Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers

Conventional wisdom dictates that Belichick has the upper hand here. He’s younger, more active, and has a rabid hate in his eyes that can’t be denied. However, what are the chances that you think Jerry Jones would fight fair? A billion to one? A quadrillion to one? MAYBE a quadrillion to one. I think he we declare an attack on himself as an attack on Texas and get the Texas National Guard to fight him. However, I’m still not sure the Texas National Guard could take down Belichick. That would be a good fight too, and would probably make the list as well, but the Texas National Guard isn’t sports-related, so I have to DQ them.

9. Bill Belichick vs. Jerry Jones

NFL: Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers

Conventional wisdom dictates that Belichick has the upper hand here. He’s younger, more active, and has a rabid hate in his eyes that can’t be denied. However, what are the chances that you think Jerry Jones would fight fair? A billion to one? A quadrillion to one? MAYBE a quadrillion to one. I think he we declare an attack on himself as an attack on Texas and get the Texas National Guard to fight him. However, I’m still not sure the Texas National Guard could take down Belichick. That would be a good fight too, and would probably make the list as well, but the Texas National Guard isn’t sports-related, so I have to DQ them.

8. Kobe

While I wouldn’t expect this to be wildly entertaining, I think Jordan takes this in a walk. And then, and only then, the one person who thinks Kobe is on Jordan’s level (Kobe himself) can pipe down a little bit and get back to doing what he does best, eating away at team chemistry with an unrealistic belief in his abilities. If this fight were to happen while Kobe is still rehabbing his shoulder, then that would be fine, too.

8. Kobe vs. Jordan

8. Kobe

While I wouldn’t expect this to be wildly entertaining, I think Jordan takes this in a walk. And then, and only then, the one person who thinks Kobe is on Jordan’s level (Kobe himself) can pipe down a little bit and get back to doing what he does best, eating away at team chemistry with an unrealistic belief in his abilities. If this fight were to happen while Kobe is still rehabbing his shoulder, then that would be fine, too.

7. Gretzky

Based on Gretzky’s career hockey fighting record and all those Lady Byng trophies, it’s pretty clear that a stiff breeze could blow over the great one. The question is: Is Gordie Howe, at 86 years young, capable of stepping up? I’m aware that Howe recently suffered a stroke, and fortunately, a progressive stem cell treatment seems to be working for him. So, rather than treat the stroke as a setback, perhaps we fast forward a year or two and imagine an older, wiser Howe fueled by stem cells. No way Gretzky takes that match, right?

7. Wayne Gretzky vs. Gordie Howe

7. Gretzky

Based on Gretzky’s career hockey fighting record and all those Lady Byng trophies, it’s pretty clear that a stiff breeze could blow over the great one. The question is: Is Gordie Howe, at 86 years young, capable of stepping up? I’m aware that Howe recently suffered a stroke, and fortunately, a progressive stem cell treatment seems to be working for him. So, rather than treat the stroke as a setback, perhaps we fast forward a year or two and imagine an older, wiser Howe fueled by stem cells. No way Gretzky takes that match, right?

Seattle Seahawks v Houston Texans

This was discussed at great length over at Grantland, so I’m not going to pretend that this is a groundbreaking proposition, but man, this would be GOOD. I think most would agree that Watt is the better natural athlete, but Gronk has intangibles. I don’t know how that helps stop Watt, but I’m guessing that charisma would help. I would really like to see Gronk take this match, if only because Watt seems a little TOO intense to be fun. Let YoSoyFiesta get a few punches in. Then he would take us all out clubbing and it would be killer.

6. J.J. Watt vs. Gronk

Seattle Seahawks v Houston Texans

This was discussed at great length over at Grantland, so I’m not going to pretend that this is a groundbreaking proposition, but man, this would be GOOD. I think most would agree that Watt is the better natural athlete, but Gronk has intangibles. I don’t know how that helps stop Watt, but I’m guessing that charisma would help. I would really like to see Gronk take this match, if only because Watt seems a little TOO intense to be fun. Let YoSoyFiesta get a few punches in. Then he would take us all out clubbing and it would be killer.

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I see this devolving into a slap fight almost instantly, but that’s ok. A slap fight between the two (very arguably) greatest quarterbacks of all time would be nice to watch. Afterwards, Giselle would clean Tom’s wounds, and Eli would tend to Peyton. And if Peyton happened to steal this one, what would it do to Manning’s legacy? Or Brady’s? Could Manning get back in the convo if he kicked Brady’s ass at a bar. Absolutely he could.

5. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning

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I see this devolving into a slap fight almost instantly, but that’s ok. A slap fight between the two (very arguably) greatest quarterbacks of all time would be nice to watch. Afterwards, Giselle would clean Tom’s wounds, and Eli would tend to Peyton. And if Peyton happened to steal this one, what would it do to Manning’s legacy? Or Brady’s? Could Manning get back in the convo if he kicked Brady’s ass at a bar. Absolutely he could.

White Sox Rangers Opener Baseball

This one takes me back to childhood. Over 20 years ago, White Sox player Robin Ventura, thinking Nolan Ryan was throwing at him, charged the mound. Nolan Ryan was roughly a million years old when that happened. Since it was 20 years ago, by my math, Robin Ventura would be 47, and Nolan Ryan would be roughly 2 million. Nolan tossed Ventura in a headlock and punched him in the face repeatedly. It was terrific. But could Nolan Ryan do it now at the age of 68? It’s definitely possible. I mean, it’s not like that kind of small-town Texas toughness goes away. Ventura was born in Santa Maria, CA. Yup. I like Nolan for this.

4. Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura (Redux)

White Sox Rangers Opener Baseball

This one takes me back to childhood. Over 20 years ago, White Sox player Robin Ventura, thinking Nolan Ryan was throwing at him, charged the mound. Nolan Ryan was roughly a million years old when that happened. Since it was 20 years ago, by my math, Robin Ventura would be 47, and Nolan Ryan would be roughly 2 million. Nolan tossed Ventura in a headlock and punched him in the face repeatedly. It was terrific. But could Nolan Ryan do it now at the age of 68? It’s definitely possible. I mean, it’s not like that kind of small-town Texas toughness goes away. Ventura was born in Santa Maria, CA. Yup. I like Nolan for this.

Ray Rice

While I initially thought this would be best in a very small space, like a studio apartment in Williamsburg, I’m now thinking it would be more entertaining in a sprawling arena, like where the Hunger Games take place. I would just like to see Ray Rice running across a field, as fast as he is, but then watching a huge bear leisurely catching up to him, taking one swipe at the back of Rice’s heel, then just going to town on him. People would be talking about that fight for like…a week, then the Bear would get signed by Pete Carroll as a pass rusher for third downs.

3. Ray Rice vs. A Kodiak Bear on Meth

Ray Rice

While I initially thought this would be best in a very small space, like a studio apartment in Williamsburg, I’m now thinking it would be more entertaining in a sprawling arena, like where the Hunger Games take place. I would just like to see Ray Rice running across a field, as fast as he is, but then watching a huge bear leisurely catching up to him, taking one swipe at the back of Rice’s heel, then just going to town on him. People would be talking about that fight for like…a week, then the Bear would get signed by Pete Carroll as a pass rusher for third downs.

2. Welker

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. If we wanted to pump them both full of Molly before the fight, that would be cool, but they’d probably just end up talking about their beards and Urban Outfitters t-shirts. I’m not sure who wins this fight, with or without MDMA, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be Welker. I think he’s shorter, and short people generally want things more and are used to working harder to get them. Like cereal boxes on a shelf, or a bungee cord on a luggage rack.

2. Wes Welker vs. Julian Edelman

2. Welker

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. If we wanted to pump them both full of Molly before the fight, that would be cool, but they’d probably just end up talking about their beards and Urban Outfitters t-shirts. I’m not sure who wins this fight, with or without MDMA, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be Welker. I think he’s shorter, and short people generally want things more and are used to working harder to get them. Like cereal boxes on a shelf, or a bungee cord on a luggage rack.

1. Serena

Serena. I don’t think this fight should happen, if only because Tiger’s had a rough go of it the past 6 years or so. Does he really need to be beaten up by a girl in a public setting? Nah. But none of these fights NEED to happen. I just really want them to. I think it would seem a little less mean if we tossed in Roger Goodell as well. We could call the fight Menage a Blood or something like that and get it on PPV for like $35 bucks. $40 tops. Oh, and it would be a match to the death. All of these would. Except the Gronk one, because if he loses, I still would like to go with him to a club.

1. Serena Williams vs. Tiger Woods

1. Serena

Serena. I don’t think this fight should happen, if only because Tiger’s had a rough go of it the past 6 years or so. Does he really need to be beaten up by a girl in a public setting? Nah. But none of these fights NEED to happen. I just really want them to. I think it would seem a little less mean if we tossed in Roger Goodell as well. We could call the fight Menage a Blood or something like that and get it on PPV for like $35 bucks. $40 tops. Oh, and it would be a match to the death. All of these would. Except the Gronk one, because if he loses, I still would like to go with him to a club.



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