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Did you hear the horrible, tragic news? One of the guys from One Direction is quitting the “band.” I think his name is Zayne, or perhaps Zaaiynne. All I really know is it’s not Harry Stiles, who is basically One Direction’s Justin Timberlake, only with considerably less talent.
Anyway, in case you didn’t pick up on it because you don’t read gosip, I was obviously joking when I called this “horrible, tragic news.” It’s neither horrible nor tragic. Zaen didn’t die, One Direction will still go on tour and make a billion dollars (for their manager) this summer, and the earth will continue to spin. It just doesn’t feel that way to females between the age of 10 and 16. To them, Zheyn leaving the band is a major life crisis.
Just ask ESPN NBA analyst Jeff Van Gundy. He obviously understands their pain, because on Wednesday night he compared Zéyn leaving One Direction to the Oklahoma City Thunder losing Kevin Durant:
Spoken like the father of two daughters. Which he is.