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Morgantown Outdoor Furniture Ban Aims to Prevent Celebratory Couch Fires
To most of us, getting wasted and lighting a couch on fire in the middle of a street after a football game just sounds like good, clean, totally harmless fun.
However, the uptight folks on City Council in Morgantown, WV, think such wholesome activities are “dangerous” and pose “significant risks to public health and safety.” So in an effort to prevent impromptu celebratory furniture bonfires by students at West Virginia University, they’ve passed an outdoor furniture ban that makes it illegal to keep upholstered furniture on your porch, patio, or lawn. Those who violate the law will receive one written warning. After that, if they fail to removed the illegal furniture, they’ll be fined up to $500.
It’s a totally discriminatory law, of course, since the only people who keep upholstered furniture outside are hicks and college students. But City Council feels they have to do something to curb celebratory couch burning. According to Morgantown City Manager Jeff Mikorski, over 3,000 street fires have been set in the last decade, with a particularly bad spate back in October after WVU football’s big upset of fourth-ranked Baylor.
But will the law really work? The thinking seems to be that drunk frat bros either won’t want to burn their good indoor furniture, or that their lust for fire will dissipate as they struggle to maneuver bulky furniture through their front door.
However, it seems to me City Council is underestimating the resolve and resourcefulness of drunk frat bros. If they want to burn a couch after a big win, they’re going to find a way.
Hat Tip – [Sports Illustrated]