9 Reasons Tom Brady Should Forget All About Deflategate
Last week we got a shocking reminder that Deflategate was a thing that still existed, despite the fact that the general public and football fans didn’t really care any more. An “independent” report, commissioned by the league found a number of things, and threw a bunch of stats and studies our way, but the big takeaway was that it “was more probable than not” that Tom Brady was “at least generally aware” of the inappropriate activities. Ok. Then. That puts Deflategate to bed forever, right?
Nah. It’s murkier than ever thanks to the Wells Report. (Do we really need to give this report a person’s last name? This isn’t the Kennedy Assassination or a strategy to stop the spread of communism.) But fortunately, there is a limit to how much of a trivial story the public wants to consume, and I think we’ll realize sometime this week that we’ve hit that limit. The Super Bowl that already took place isn’t going to get a new winner, and Tom Brady is going to be just fine.
Why? Because he’s Tom Brady, and things have historically worked out his way pretty well. Deflategate is just a bump in the road. Here are nine instances to support that rationale.
Disclaimer: This is the boldest prediction in the lot. I figured I would just get it out there early. I mean, it’s possible, but I would be VERY surprised if football’s golden boy will get anything more than a public scolding followed by a clandestine wink from Roger Goodell. The report claims he “likely” knew. That doesn’t sound like grounds for punishment to me. The report uses phrases like “more probable than not” in regards to his association with the underpumped footballs. If he got punished, the NFLPA, as impotent as they often are, would have a field day.
9. He’s Not Getting In Trouble For It
This seems like a strange point to make in support of Brady, but man, what a waste of time. A ream of paper to say it’s likely that he was involved? It seems like this is a better outcome than a report absolving him. At least then, they’d get the contrarian Brady-haters to speak up. This is such a middle-of-the-road “meh” finding that no one really feels one way or the other about it. They undoubtedly took great pains to prove his involvement, and the Patriots’ involvement, and they didn’t manage to do a damn thing. And the size and detail of the report indicates that they kicked over every stone possible. This is tantamount to an acquittal. They weren’t able to find anything meaningful, and it wasn’t for a lack of looking.
8. The Report Takes 147 Pages To Say That Nobody Knows Sh*t
I think he could literally bite the neck of Jennifer Lawrence or Paul Rudd on national television, causing them to writhe and bleed out, and he would still keep every endorsement deal he has. He’s the perfect spokesman: Handsome, successful, and he keeps his mouth shut most of the time. And yes, this was all a labored point brought up simply to remind everyone that Tom Brady wears Uggs, and that’s hilarious. Even though there’s nothing funny about incredibly comfortable footwear.
7. None of This Will Affect His Uggs Endorsement
This is painfully obvious. I’m guessing an equipment manager makes about $1.10 an hour, and an assistant equipment manager makes about half that. This guy, who would otherwise just be an anonymous face on the sideline, was having secret conspiracy conversations with Tom Brady over the phone. That’s its own reward. I’m guessing the guy would roll over just because Brady asked him to. What’s the worst that’s going to happen? He’s going to lose his job? If Brady managed to throw in like $10,000, I’m guessing the locker room attendant and equipment assistant would confess to the Hernandez murder(s) and Tom Brady would be running the power I formation by Labor Day.
6. If Things Get Worse, He Can Just Pay the Equipment Manager to Take the Fall
What’s going to happen? There’s no evidence at all this was a systematic conspiracy among the whole team, and even if it was, it’s not college football. Nobody’s vacating their championship. Though that would be really funny. In mid-July, Pete Carroll gets a phone call finding out that he won the Super Bowl five months earlier, and that the Lombardi trophy is in the mail. That would be a weird day for everyone involved. It would likely be the only time two teams got to meet the president for winning the same championship.
5. No One’s Taking That Super Bowl Away
The only reason anyone paid attention to Deflategate was because it involved a high-profile team, was during the playoffs, and it had a stupid catchy name. Now, the playoffs have been sorted out, and we’re sick of the word Deflategate. We don’t even remember the Aaron Hernandez trial, and that was like three weeks ago. And he KILLED someone. We’re over this. And if there’s no public outcry, the NFL isn’t going to rock the boat. Because the NFL doesn’t act out of righteousness, they act out of what’s best for the NFL. And keeping Brady squeaky clean is job #1.
4. We’ve Already Forgotten About This
So maybe he ordered someone else to deflate some footballs that would have been used by both teams. And no one can prove it. He could have gotten in trouble for sending off dong pics to women. While wearing Crocs. That’s the type of thing that haunts you. In the grand scheme of scandals, this is a like a 7. Out of 500. I bet future generations will regard Brady’s actions as those of a competitor, not a cheater. And the only people who saw Tom’s penis were people he WANTED to see his penis.
3. He Can Always Look at What Happened to Brett Favre and Count His Lucky Stars
You saw this coming, didn’t you? You don’t talk about Tom Brady’s blessed life and not bring up Gisele at least once. She’s a Brazilian supermodel. Sure, she makes him dress kind of weird sometimes, and he often has weird haircuts that I think are largely her doing, but that’s actually MORE troubling than Deflategate. Imagine a time when you got a terrible haircut. That’s about as troubling as this “scandal” is to Tom Brady. And also he has Gisele to go home to.
2. Gisele Is His Wife
You probably saw this repetition coming, too. This could have been all nine points in this list. Short of going to jail or suffering from some terrible bodily harm, he’s got pretty much the best life of any person in the world, and the most beautiful woman in the world is his loving wife and mother to his children. You think that’s gonna get derailed by some PSI measurements by some independent investigation? Nope. He’s still Tom Brady, and Deflategate is like shooting a BB gun at a freight train.