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Report: Goalpost Files Sexual Assault Charges On Antonio Brown

by: Black Adam Schefter On  Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Antonio Brown Goal Post Celebration

It’s been an eventful day for Antonio Brown.  First he was named the AFC Special Teams Player of the Week after returning a punt for a TD. Later, the NFL announced he would be fined more than $11K for the wild goal post TD celebration. Now, breaking news out of Pittsburgh where the ‘Goalpost’ has filed sexual assault charges after the Wide Receiver went crotch-first into him/her.

We’re not exactly sure of the sex of the goalpost, kind of like Caitlyn Jenner, but back to the subject. If you missed the sexual assault:

Mr./Ms. Goalpost released a statement through his/her attorney:

It was extremely embarrassing for Mr. Brown to propel his crotch onto me without my consent and to top it off, his rape buddy Big Ben smiled on the sideline in approval. I shouldn’t be too shocked about that given his history. This episode has caused me a great deal of pain and suffering. Bah Gawd, I have a family. To make matters worse, some assholes gave it the Super Mario Bros. treatment. I ask that the media give me and my fellow goalposts the time and space we need as we deal with this difficult episode…basically until that check clears.

1 count of Sexual assault, Exhibit A:

download (16)

1 count of pain & suffering, Exhibit B: