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Massive Super Bowl Broadcast Will Enable Phil Simms To Annoy Sports Fans In 170 Countries around The World
SANTA CLARA, CA – This Sunday’s broadcast of Super Bowl 50, reported to be the largest single televised event in sports history, will provide CBS color commentator Phil Simms with the unprecedented opportunity to annoy the living shit out of viewers in a full 170 countries around the world, according to highly placed media analysts.
“Blimey, this cheeky blonde wanker doesn’t know what the bloody ‘ell he’s talking about,” is the kind of phrase that will surely be uttered by British fans while listening to Simms call the matchup between the Broncos and Panthers, while viewers in Japan will be more likely to proclaim, “Kono sutorō mukatte odoke wa kōmon happyō shi, kare no hidoi, hidoi tame no ta shokushu umi no akuma ni yotte shingai sa rerubekidesu” (“This straw headed buffoon should be anally violated by a many-tentacled sea demon for his awful, awful announcing”).
Even fans in the African nation of Kwangali will be able to despise the 61-year old Simms, and will almost certainly express their displeasure with his terrible analysis via a series of profane phrases in their country’s native Bantu language, as well as several angry clicks and grunts.
“On a week-to-week basis, no commentator is as skilled at saying incredibly stupid crap to irritate NFL viewers than Phil Simms,” said New York Times sports journalist Jeffery Cerrano. “But this is the Super Bowl. Given the massive size of this broadcast, Simms will need to really step up his game if he’s going to fully annoy the hell out of the hundreds of millions of listeners who will hear his every imbecilic word. But if his past is any indication, I have every confidence he will succeed.”
When informed of the expectations of his global annoyance, Simms responded, “Look, I have just one word to say about that: ‘Haters gonna hate.”
In related news, CBS announced today that the unprecedented breadth of Sunday’s broadcast will allow worldwide viewers to utter the phrase, “Holy shit, I can’t believe that Mike Carey guy was wrong yet AGAIN,” in over twenty-five separate languages.