BREAKING: Peyton Manning Says He “Wants to Play in Dallas, Win Jerry Jones a Super Bowl”
Everyone’s been sitting patiently, waiting for Peyton Manning to make an announcement regarding his future.
Well, it appears as though the wait is over, as the two-time Super Bowl champ released the following statement just minute ago:
“I know you’ve all been waiting for me to make an announcement regarding my future plans. After thinking long and hard about it for the past 24 hours, consulting with my family, friends, teammates, Broncos owner John Elway, and, of course, Papa John, I’ve come to a decision:
“I will be taking my talents to Dallas to help bring Jerry Jones and the Cowboys a Vincent Lombardi Trophy.”
According to sources, Manning spoke at length with Jones on Monday, and the two agreed that it only makes sense for the man they call “The Sheriff” to end his career in the state of Texas. Peyton also said that he welcomed the opportunity to play in the same division as his brother, Eli, especially after seeing the Giants quarterback’s reaction to the Broncos’ Super Bowl victory as he looked on from his box at Levi’s Stadium.
In his statement, Manning also mentions Papa John’s influence on his decision:
“We’ve had a great deal of success selling our pizzas in Colorado. But after speaking with Papa John himself, we feel that it’s time to grow our business elsewhere, and Arlington seems like the perfect location. It’ll be tough without the same marijuana laws in our favor, but I hear everything is bigger in Texas, including the people. And if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that fat people LOVE pizza.
“And plus, Jerry’s already guaranteed he’d sell over 100, 000 slices per home game. That’s huge!”
When reached for comment, Jerry Jones said, “We’re looking forward to having Peyton in a Cowboys uniform. He’ll be a perfect mentor to back-up Johnny Manziel, whom we plan on acquiring by trading Tony Romo to the Browns.”
Asked why he wouldn’t try to get more value for Romo, Jones replied, “Because that would take too much time and effort–time and effort that will be better spent planning the route for our Super Bowl victory parade, or figuring out how I’m gonna sell all that f*cking Papa John’s pizza at my stadium.”
***Parody Post. Duh!!!***