BREAKING: Roger Goodell Resigns, Citing He Knew About CTE All Along
In a massive shakeup, National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell has resigned.
The shocking news is a result of Goodell admitting he knew that playing football caused CTE, also known chronic traumatic encephalopathy. During his resignation Goodell was very condescending. He told the press, “Of course grown men beating the crap out of each other causes harm to the brain. We’re talking about the most athletic men hitting one another at high volume speeds. I don’t think we need a doctor to tell us these guys are risking long term health affects.”
He also dished some serious shade towards Will Smith and the movie Concussion, finishing his press conference with the following statement:
“It’s all Will Smith’s fault. He just had to do a movie about it. And that stupid accent, it was terrible. And then they had Luke Wilson play me. Really? Luke f*cking Wilson? He played Mitchapolooza in Old School and now he’s playing the commissioner of the most powerful sports league in the world. That’s just a disgrace.”
But the news isn’t all bad for Goodell. According to numerous reports, FIFA has now tapped Goodell as their next President. An unnamed source within FIFA told the Washington Post, “Goodell is the perfect person to replace Sepp Blatter. Roger has a long history of covering up scandals, making horribly wrong decisions, and being hated by the pubic. He’s the ideal candidate to take over and continue our long tradition of corruption.”
While Goodell’s resignation from the NFL will be effective immediately, the former commissioner did fine James Harrison $100k one last time before he left office.
Goodell also tweeted the following at Harrison:
“Just one more time for old times sakes…you owe me $100k!”