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BREAKING: Colin Kaepernick Retires From NFL to Join Al Qaeda

by: Andy Ruther On  Sunday, April 3, 2016
Tags:  Colin Kaepernick   NFL  

In some extremely startling news San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick has retired from the NFL to join Al Qaeda. Social media has been in a frenzy since a photo leaked late last night of Kaepernick at an Al Qaeda training facility. The news just adds to a bizarre last 12 months for the former 49ers quarterback.

After having his worst season Kaepernick was benched for Blaine Gabbert. But the 49ers hired Chip Kelly, which people felt would appease Kaepernick’s unhappiness in San Francisco. Kelly’s option spread offense is perfect for Kaepernick’s ability. However Kaepernick didn’t like the hiring, and instantly demanded a trade. But the 49ers kept his roster spot and didn’t trade the 5 year NFL vet. So Kaepernick abandoned San Francisco, left the country, and pledged his loyalty to Al Qaeda. The picture below show Kaepernick at an Al Qaeda training camp.

An anonymous member of the terrorist cell told the Associated Press, “Colin will now go by Raheem Abdul Atif. Unlike the 49ers we plan on using his abilities to the maximum for our network. His running ability is unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. He’s also elusive, so when authorities try to arrest him he can juke his way out of the problem. And his arm strength is better than any terrorist in the world. Do you know how far he can throw a bomb…very far. I’d be very scared to see him in the open desert. Raheem will be unstoppable.”

As expected the NFL was completely shocked by the news. Roger Goodell issued this statement:

“We’re very sadden to learn that Colin has turned his back on not only the NFL, but also America. However, if he does return from the Middle East he should expect a $100,000 dollar fine.”

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