Dallas Clark, this one’s for you. Out with a hand/wrist injury for the remainder of the season, you deserve a 2010 send-off that commemorates not your accomplishments on the field, but rather your contributions to men’s grooming. These days, it’s a safe bet that 90% of the mustaches you see worn by public personalities are done in an ironic fashion. But with the mustache trend holding strong after five or so years, we can’t be so quick to dismiss the mighty amalgamation of facial hair known as “the ‘stache.” Some players today wear it ironically, some may not. The players and coaches of yesteryear clearly weren’t trying to make an ironic statement, but does that make their facial hair any less glorious? This author says no. Everyone’s on an even playing field here as we run through the 9 greatest mustaches in the NFL, past and present.

9. Bill Cowher

I’d have that smug smile too if I was able to wear a mustache with that much confidence and grace. Now, we all know that people with mustaches are 32% meaner and 45% more intimidating than similar people without mustaches, but what does it mean? Well, as this will demonstrate, it means that the mustache has been and continues to be the accessory of choice for many NFL head coaches. And why wouldn’t it be? Nothing says, “I’ve forgotten more about football than you’ll ever learn” than an un-ironic mustache perched above a snarling lip. Bill Cowher knew this. He never had to be told, he just knew.

8. Dallas Clark

Oh Dallas. Like so many of your Colts brethren before you, you’ve been relegated to the sideline to watch the season unfold as you sit helplessly, stroking that mustache and wondering what might have been. This mustache toes a fine line between sincere and ironic. So fine is that line that I won’t pass judgment on the intentions, but rather simply bask in its beauty. Curiosity does get the best of us, so I feel that in every pro sports team’s press pack, there should be included a section called simply “Tattoos and Mustaches” that allows players to explain what all of their tattoos mean, and of course, why they have or have not chosen to adopt the mustache as their look for that season. There’s plenty of time to shoehorn it in to the 2011 Colts Media Guide.

7. Walter Payton

Sweetness wasn’t just the way the man played the game, but also the utterance of passers by as they caught sight of this handsome, completely un-ironic mustache. There isn’t a lot to say about 34′s mustache other than it was, in my book, the MVP of not only the 1985 Bears, but also of the Super Bowl Shuffle video. Without the mustache, he was simply one of the best running back of all time. With the mustache, he was “Sweetness,” more than the sum of his parts.

6. Chris Berman

They say a mustache can make you look dignified, but Berman shoots that theory down pretty handily. Swami rocked one at the beginning of the 2010 season to mixed reviews. If Berman had been wearing one since time immemorial, that would be one thing, but this late in the game, it’s a little tough to swing. Not unlike two years ago when my father returned from vacation with one, prompting us all to ask if he had a good time at police academy. Let this be a lesson: With mustaches, like so many other things, it’s best to get in on the ground floor.

5. Jake Plummer

This one would score higher, but it’s got a desperate air about it, in the “Chris Andersen-desperate” sense. The Snake’s relevance never got too terribly high, but in recent years, it’s hard not to assume that he did this to snag some of the limelight and thrust it back on himself. Combine it with the Blu-Blockers and the headbands, and it all just seems too good to be true. Points on the mustache itself though, out of context. Magnificent.

4. Mike Ditka

Nothing inauthentic here, sports fans. Ditka’s the type of guy who wears a mustache cause his dad wore a mustache. His dad didn’t have to understand irony and neither does Iron Mike. he’s gonna keep on truckin’ with the mustache and the awesome sweaters until one day, he ain’t truckin’ no more. And that it’ll be it for ole’ Mr. Ditka. But he will able to look back and know that his mustache (and the sweaters) were a uniform that commanded authority. I’m pretty sure his mustache has it’s own 1985 Super Bowl ring. I will fact check and get back to you.

3. Scott Player

Handlebar mustache, one-bar face mask – all the elements of irony are there, except for one: he’s a punter. Punter’s, through their genetic makeup, are incapable of understanding or participating in ironic activities. I seriously believe that Scott Player had a poster of Otto Graham or Y.A. Tittle over his bed when he was 9 and decided one day, “That’s how I’m going to look when I’m in the NFL.” And he’s held true. Stay strong, Playa.

2. Dave Wannstedt

This mustache is so real that if he wasn’t an NFL coach, Mr. Wannstedt would be head of sales at your local Yamaha dealership, tending to all your jet-ski and water-sport related needs. Another beautiful example of an angry coach with an unironic mustache. Dan Reeves never had a mustache. Dick Vermeil? Barry Switzer? No way. They have always been sweethearts. It takes a special type of coach to rock one. The type of coach whose dad would drive him far away from the house then drop him off and make him jog home to become a man. And whatta man. Whatta mighty, mighty good man.

1. Joe Namath

Broadway Joe, though not known as a mustachioed footballer, takes the cake. Not so much for the way he wore the mustache, but for the mustache itself. He looks like he was born with that mustache. Why did he lose the mustache? Because he was paid to as a publicity stunt for Remington electric razors. You think that’s not something a true mustache-wearer would do? Bullshit. That’s EXACTLY what a real mustache-wearer would do. And that’s why Broadway Joe rules the roost. The mustache roost.

Almost everyone gets annoying after two hours. In fact, it takes a special gift NOT to be annoying after an extended period of time. After spending much of my TV-watching life with some of the people below, I can say with some certainty: They don’t have that gift. After reviewing this list, I was amazed by how many different ways people can be annoying. And these are just the active ones. There are no Billy Packers or insane John Madden’s here. These are nine guys that are currently bugging the hell out of us while we try to watch sports.

1. Dick Vitale
Has Dickie V gotten more obnoxious as the years have gone on, or have we just grown less tolerant of his shtick? Probably both. Let’s start with the low-hanging fruit on this guy: He is scary as hell in HD. He’s dropped about 15 pounds in the past decade and his eyes are nothing short of bloodshot every time he appears on TV. I’m bracing for the moment his head starts glowing and he speaks in a low-pitched growl instructing me to find the dark side.

Fortunately, we don’t have to see him that much when he’s calling a game. Unfortunately, we still have to hear him. A lot. I’m all for enthusiasm about the college game. I think we could use more, in fact. But Vitale’s has worn a little thin as we hear the phrase “diaper dandy” for the millionth time in late March. Just say “freshman,” dude.

As he gets older, his exclamations sound more and more like a gasp for air than they do sounds of excitement, which is…disarming. Ideally, I don’t want to see Dick Vitale in any capacity, but he should at least be kept in the studio where his mannerisms can be appreciated on a novelty level, rather than courtside, where he haunts me for two hours.

2. Chris Berman
To be fair to Chris, he’s gotten better in recent years, but he still carries the hallmarks of the caricature he portrayed in the 80’s and 90’s. He founded his career as the “Tim ‘The Toolman’ Taylor” of the NFL, often communicating in a language that’s just a step above grunts and moans. While this was endearing in the new age of sports broadcasting and ESPN, it wore thin quickly. While flashes of his “rumblin’, stumblin’, tumblin’” manner of broadcasting still exist, ESPN and Berman have managed to pare them down in recent years. But not enough to keep him off this list.

More to the point is the fact that his shtick either overshadowed or obfuscated his audience as to what his actual point was. It’s hard to observe the down-field blocking when you’ve got some dude exclaiming, “Whoop whoop whoop” like the Three Stooges.

3. Deion Sanders/Emmitt Smith/Michael Irvin
I am lumping these guys together, cause if you combined only their strengths, you’d have one hell of a studio guy. There’s a steep learning curve for mid-90’s Cowboys in Broadcasting. Aikman just got good a couple years ago, Moose Johnston is still a ways from being there, and the trifecta above has varying degrees of promise, but they’re still a ways away.

Deion, despite often dressing and grooming himself like a cartoon character is probably the furthest along of the group. Despite dressing like Goofy, he’s knowledgeable, interacts well, and God knows he has the confidence to pull this off. However, his presence on the studio shows often seems as though a time machine retrieved him 1996 and set him down at a desk. Annoying, but not fatal.

Emmitt Smith has the face and heart for television, but what’s so unbelievably frustrating about this guy is that he’s likable and well spoken, but seemingly never gives you the answer you’re looking for. If he asked about blocking assignments, he’ll drift to play calling and footwork.

Michael Irvin is polarizing in much the same way I would imagine Charles Barkley is to some (I love Chuck). However, personalities aside, the difference between Chuck and Playmaker is that Playmaker can’t interact with anyone else at the table. Which is unfortunate when you have six guys gathered around, talking football. He pissed off Steve Young two years ago with his inability to be gracious to the other hosts. He may not bother me directly, but he bothers everyone on the show, which kills me. If I had to pull one, it would be Irvin.

4. Terry Bradshaw
Terry Bradshaw reminds me of John McCain. A jovial, likable guy that is probably a cauldron of rage deep down. We see flashes of this when Terry has to defend his position to the other studio hosts. He becomes very defensive, which in and of itself is off-putting, but then gets very aggressive about his position, talking over the other and making certain to get in the last word. That behavior makes me go to ESPN for my Sunday morning coverage.

Couple that behavior with the incessant cracks about wardrobes and slapstick humor and he comes across as nothing less than insane.

5. Joe Morgan
The correlation between baseball announcers and their desire to operate on “gut” rather than stats and figures is hardly a mystery. Baseball is an institution as much rooted in lore, legend, and history as it is in the present. Joe Morgan takes that philosophy and runs with it, fast and far. Every ball player is a saint, doing God’s work by participating in the national pastime.

Statistics? Who needs those when you’ve got the heart of a champion and a desire to be the best? Umm, as a member of the gambling community and a very casual baseball fan, I do, Joe. So give them to me. If the guy is batting .113 with running in scoring position in the postseason, don’t tell me he’s good in the clutch. Science says he’s not. If you’re that personally invested in the sport, go into the stands, get a hot dog, and sing “Take Me out to the Ball Game.”

6. Bill Walton
Yikes. Walton’s inclusion on this list has only to do with the fact that he has the most obnoxious voice in the history of the spoken word. It’s strange how much his voice resembles his appearance: gangly and slow.

His insights are normally spot on, I never saw a shred of evidence that he was anything less than objective when he was discussing his son, and his sense of humor is actually pretty refreshing when laid atop the rest of his team’s dry remarks. But, oh, that voice.

Put two Fruit Roll-Ups in your mouth. Then cram in a handful of marbles. Then say “Sasha Vujacic cleans up on the glass.” Congratulations. You sound like Bill Walton.

7. Bob Costas
In an alternate universe, Bob Costas is a 73 year-old man sitting outside a general store, drinking iced tea and whittling. And part of me thinks that he would probably be that guy in this universe if he wasn’t a professional announcer/host. I can stand him in every capacity but baseball. He hosts the Olympics studio show and does a fine job. Covering an equestrian steroids scandal on HBO? Beautiful. Go to town, Bob.

Once you get him on the subject of the national pastime, he becomes a sanctimonious heel that acts more like a character from Field of Dreams than an objective reporter/broadcaster. We get it. You’re from St. Louis. You love baseball. You want us to love baseball, too. You know how you get us to love baseball? Stop treating baseball like it’s the most important thing in the world.

If you make something seem that serious, it’s going to scare people off. That’s why I don’t go to church anymore.

8. Bryant Gumbel
Rampant fact-checking was in order for this entry to ensure that I didn’t confuse the two replicate Gumbels. Greg is the one who looks like he ate everyone else in the studio. He hosts the NCAA tourney studio show. My only real hang up with him is that he needs to let his hair grow a little more so that he can perfectly resemble a washed-up Venezuelan pitcher from 1977. I find his tempo and voice to be soothing. It sounds like he’s always in control and would never let me miss a moment of action. Especially when he’s in the NFL booth. Good job, Greg. You’re aces.

Evil twin Bryant, on the other hand was an atrocious announcer and a ham of a studio host. Announcing first: he was….bad. His timing wasn’t good, his day job seemed to preclude his ability to do his homework, and his tempo was choppy. Though the first two are probably more grave errors, his cadence was my biggest gripe. He would take you out of the play every time he opened his mouth. The NFL Network saw this and fired him a couple years ago, which solved that problem.

But his studio presence, especially on “serious” issues, continues to be irritating to no end. While faking sincerity and concern are hallmarks of any interpersonal host, the emoting he would do on a Barbaro-type story are ludicrous. His “lean in, scrunch face, nod solemnly” to every human interest story became so cliché he would take you out of those moments as well.

In short, if you want to be immersed in something, keep Bryant away. Greg’s cool though.

9, Magic Johnson
In a vacuum, Magic Johnson would be a fine studio host, and when he’s pulling duty for ABC Basketball late in the season, he tows his weight just fine. However, when he’s the fourth man (or third if Barkley is in time-out for pursuing drunken blow jobs) on Inside the NBA, he brings the show to a grinding halt. It’s a perfect example of being judged in light of your company, and Magic doesn’t have much of a place in that dynamic. He’s an NBA icon, but the gregarious nature and constant smile, though comfortable, dulls down the edge that Kenny, Ernie and Chuck bring to the table.

Magic seems to be the parent in the room when he’s on the show (which seems to be all the time, lately), which keeps everyone on slightly better behavior than we would like. Nothing is better than when Barkley gets going on a politically incorrect tirade, Kenny’s biting his lip, and EJ is scrambling for synonyms for “shut the fuck up, Chuck”. You just don’t get to see that when Magic’s in the room.

Who was Twittering about what?

That brings us to C. J. Wilson.  For some strange reason, he was at the ESPYs last night.  With no worries of winning an award, garnering the media’s attention, or having fans identify him, he was free to watch other athletes and members of the sporting world do what famous people do.  One member who seemed to get stuck in his headlights was ESPN’s Chris Berman.

That was what the Rangers reliever had to say about Berman’s smooth moves with a trophy lady.  Wilson deleted it soon after, but not before it was captured by the sports twittering and blogging world.  You may not be a Shaq, Chad OchoCinco, or Kevin Durrant, but we can still see you C.J.

Here are your ESPY winners from last night.

Best Male Athlete – Michael Phelps, Swimming
Best Female Athlete – Nastia Liukin, Gymnastics
Best Moment – US swim team wins thrilling finish in Olympic relay
Best Team – Los Angeles Lakers
Best Coach-Manager – Phil Jackson, Los Angeles Lakers
Best Game – Steelers vs. Cardinals, Super Bowl XLIII
Best Championship Performance – Michael Phelps Olympic Swimming
Best Play – Roethlisberger to Holmes Super Bowl Winning TD
Best Upset – US Soccer shocks Spain in the Confederations Cup Semifinals
Best Breakthrough Athlete – Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons
Best Record Breaking Performance – Michael Phelps Olympic Swimmer
Best Sports Movie – The Express: The Ernie Davis Story
Best Male College Athlete – Tim Tebow, Florida Football
Best Female College Athlete – Maya Moore, Connecticut Women’s Basketball
Best Male International Athlete – Usain Bolt, Jamaica, Sprinter
Best Female International Athlete – Lorena Ochoa, México, Golf
Best Baseball Player – Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals
Best NBA Player – LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
Best NFL Player – Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona Cardinals
Best Driver – Jimmie Johnson
Best Fighter – Manny Pacquiao, Boxing
Best Male Golfer – Tiger Woods
Best NHL Player – Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins
Best Male Tennis Player – Roger Federer
Best Female Tennis Player – Serena Williams

For the rest of the winners and nominees, visit Chiff.

Hat Tip – [Deadspin]