8. Dirk Nowitzki — Bus Driver

Job Requirements: Built like a bus, able to carry large numbers of people one’s his back and strength with multiple languages.

7. Ray Allen — Plumber

Job Requirements: An understanding of complex diagrams and a natural ability to send more rain down the drain than anyone, ever.

6. Mike Brown — Male Nurse

Job Requirements: Strong problem solving and an ability to tactfully deal with high-maintenance, troubled patients.

5. Carmelo Anthony — Farmer

Job Requirements: A green thumb and experience with nuggets.

4. Metta World Peace aka. Ron Artest — Circus Clown

Job Requirements: Prone to eccentric, wild behavior and a compulsive need to be the center of attention.

3. Chris “Bird Man” Andersen — Janitor

Job Requirements: Strong ability to mop up messy situations on the floor and around sloppy buckets.

2. Steve Nash — Drive-thru Attendant

Job Requirements: Accuracy and speedy order distribution while assisting customers and dishing out lunch.

1. Kobe Bryant — Tiger Woods’ Caddy

Job Requirements: Clutch finisher with Intimate knowledge of every hole and what shots to make in sticky situations.

About the Author: Greg Buckskin is a very surprised Buffalo Bills fan and writer for CableTV.com

In the world of sports, conversations run rampant with “what if” scenarios. “What if Jordan hadn’t walked away following his father’s death?” “What if Portland had picked Durant first?” However, perhaps the most ethereal “what if” scenario is also one of the most fun: What if (superstar X) had gone down a different path playing another sport? What skills translate? Would that person be better or worse than they are now? We’ll never have an answer, which is exactly why talking about it makes for such fun/frustrating conversation. Here are 9 for your review.

9. LeBron James – Football
Though LeBron’s toughness is a bit of a question mark, there’s no denying his size and talent. Of course, the question is “Where do you put him?” And the answer is tight end. His blocking would be decent, not great (though I like the space he takes up moving a few yards downfield to pin a linebacker), but I absolutely love the thought of him on drag patterns over the middle and to the flats. He wouldn’t have the speed to be any sort of threat downfield, but he would dwarf linebackers and corners, posting up the latter on 5-10-yard patterns.

If that doesn’t get your motor running, I am also intrigued with BronBron as a nickel linebacker (preferably in a zone) defense, guarding the middle of the field with that wingspan of his. Mobility is an issue, but give him a small enough zone and he would absolutely own it.

8. Tiger Woods – Baseball
I don’t know how he would fare in the field, but who really cares about outfielders’ defense? I think that Tiger’s athleticism would provide him with mobility and a decent arm, but my reason for picking him is his productivity in the batter’s box. He has the torque and hand speed to crank out less-than-optimal pitches, and I really like his focus and concentration. He seems like a born hitter. Putting up over 300 pounds on the bench, Tiger would be dual threat contact/power hitter. At third in a lineup, you don’t want to pitch to him, and you can’t walk him.

7. Steve Nash – Hockey
Not just because he’s Canadian. OK, maybe a little because he’s Canadian, but also because he’s got all the sensibilities of a Gretzky in a more athletic body. Gretzky came in at 6’ 0” 190, and Nash stands 6’ 3” 178. Now, he’d have to put on some weight (15-20 pounds) to be competitive, but I love him running an offense as well as his ability to cut to the net. His quickness and court awareness would make him a force to be reckoned with on breakaways and on power plays. If you’re a man down, the last thing you’d want is to be facing Nash and his ability to dismantle your defense.

6. Allen Iverson – Lacrosse
I think Bill Simmons mentioned, in an older column, the threat Iverson would be on the soccer field. But I think that his mindset and talents are even better suited to lacrosse, where his first step and quickness would make him virtually impossible to defend. His ball-handling abilities would leave defenders guessing if he was going to pass, drive, or shoot, just as they do (did) on the court. Drive him away from the goal, and he could fake a shot, roll in, and score before you realized you lost him.

That said, I like him as a midfielder, because is there anyone you would rather have running your fast break? Well, maybe his next guy…

5. Ben Wallace – Soccer
On the soccer pitch, there is really only one place for someone of Ben’s carriage, and that’s in goal. I also felt Hakeem Olajuwon would be a slightly better fit here, though he played soccer before switching to hoops, so I went with a player that had little or no experience. Granted, the 6’ 11” forward’s (he’s not 7’ 0”…sorry) best asset would be his size, but his ability to jump quickly and block shots would make him a prime candidate for keeper. Further, he could block a kick and recover faster than most anyone, I imagine. Sure there are taller players with a bigger wingspan, but their lack of mobility would be a liability. Wallace serves as the perfect compromise.

4. Dwight Howard – Boxing
Reach is the name of the game here. Howard would be able to hang back and snipe his opponents with a long jabs and crosses, and the torque behind a 6’ 11” fighter winding up for a right hook would be jaw-dropping. Further, an opposing fighter would have to really reach, opening himself up, to attack Howard’s head. Howard’s physique lends itself well to boxing. I had originally contemplated him as an MMA fighter, but didn’t like his chances on the ground, his lack of killer instinct, and a long lanky frame when grappling. However, Howard’s height and reach would force opponents to have to cover the top of their head, as well as the front and sides, again, making them more vulnerable to head-body combos.

3. Mike Tyson – Football
Tyson would serve as the archetypal fullback: short, explosive, and strong as a bull. It’s hard to think that the same power and motion that makes his uppercuts so devastating would make him so effective in standing up most any defensive end. He’s standing 5’ 10”, so no one will be getting lower than he will, and in a short yardage situation, handing the ball off to Mike would be tantamount to handing it off to a cannonball. One concern is, at 218 pounds, he’s not as heavy as most fullbacks (Moose Johnston had 20 pounds on him), but I feel, as a function of his height, he’s perfectly proportioned.

2. Blake Griffin – Volleyball
Uh, cause he can jump. Actually, it’s not just that he can jump, but he can jump explosively. Griffin could serve as a blocking and spiking threat as a strong-side hitter. His ability to finish alley-oops demonstrate that he would be a force to be reckoned with from the back row, capitalizing on sets that are a ways off their mark.
 
 
1. Dirk Nowitzki – Tennis
Ok, I mostly did this because Dirk just looks like a tennis player. Admit it. You put a headband on him and he could pass for a 1978 Davis Cup champion. Put him at the net and it’s a chore to get anything but a lob over him. He’ll cover so much real estate standing still that concerns about his mobility are rendered moot. Plus, with the right mechanics, I’m sure he could demolish Roddick’s serve speed record. Nowitzki would be essentially serving straight down, which means the net becomes less and less of a factor, which means you can go for more power than accuracy and still find your way into the box. Eight thumbs up.

After sipping away at as many Ace of Spades Champagne bottles as he could get his hands on at Miami’s Club LIV, Dirk Nowitzki and the rest of the Mavericks players returned to Dallas where the party continued.  Among the stops on their list of party destinations was The Loon, where several of the players, fans, and even owner Mark Cuban embraced one another and sang to the tune of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.”

I guess it was only a matter of time before we posted a video of the NBA Champions singing the unofficial song of champions.  Here it is.

Looking at the coverage 24 hours after the Mavericks twisted the dagger and the Miami Heat bled out, it’s not surprising to see LeBron James be the recipient of vitriol. It was surprising to see how much of it there was. People were calling him a failure and saying that his legacy was tarnished, labeling him a loser and other things far worst.

The fact is that the guy is 26 years old, has two MVP trophies, and three finals appearances. And no rings. I’m sure that’s frustrating, and people will be critical. But he’s still an asset in every sense of the word. So why is he the nation’s whipping boy right now? I was just going to make the “haters gonna hate” argument and turn in my piece early, but since my editor probably wouldn’t pay me for that, I offer a more comprehensive analysis of why he’s being criticized and which accusations are unfair and untrue.

But mostly: Haters gonna hate.

5. He Has Never Had the Killer Instinct
The guy hasn’t had the fangs that Jordan, Kobe, or Bird had. He’s more on par with Shaq as someone who was the best at their level for so long that they got caught off guard when they had to work to be the best. LeBron is more physically gifted than any player in the league save for maybe Dwight Howard, but he doesn’t seem to have the compulsion that separates the legends from the greats.

It’s a weird thing to say when I’m arguing someone’s defense. Only I’m not arguing on behalf of LeBron, I’m arguing against the backlash. What causes a backlash is a change or perceived change. Nothing has changed with LeBron. He’s still acting like a goofy teenager. But to turn on him because he isn’t a great seems a little misguided. People loved the guy when he was goofing off his first three seasons. However, now they’re pissed he can’t get his house in order enough to spend time in the gym to work on high post moves and steps towards the basket. I’m not saying that his lack of teeth is a good thing, but considering he never had them, its illogical to call him out on it now.

4. He Had a Decent Playoffs by His Standards, and a Great One by Anyone Else’s
He fell off in the finals, but over the course of the playoffs, BronBron put up 23.7 PPG, 6.4 Rebounds, and 5.9 assists. To put it in perspective, Dirk Nowitzki, the darling of the playoffs, put up 27.7, 8.1, and 2.5. The lines are pretty close to equal. I would have to be insane to make the argument that these two were equally impressive in the playoffs. Dirk turned on and off like a light switch, shooting approximately 6,322% from the free throw line and owning the game when he needed to. LeBron only owned games when he could. Dirk led, and LeBron didn’t. But to argue that King James played poorly in the playoffs just isn’t true. He didn’t improve, and he didn’t lead, but he played well enough to make the argument that didn’t play well a fallacy.

3. The Stats Don’t Tell the Story
Often times, a great player will step up their game with a new team to become legendary. However, much more often, a star will join a better team and see his numbers fall, regardless if the team succeeds or fails. The reason for this is clear: A team only gets X possessions per game, so if more talent on a team will dilute the number of possessions any player has, putting a lower ceiling on their numbers.

It’s pretty clear that this is the case in Miami. On Cleveland, LeBron was the alpha and omega of that team. When it came time for the playoffs, if he didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. Consequently, he was tracking among the league’s best in scoring. Well, LeBron doesn’t have to do it all himself now. Wade scores and Bosh gets boards. Just because LeBron doesn’t get as many rebounds doesn’t mean he’s not as good a player as he was. It makes more sense to simply look at the performance of the team upon his arrival…more on that in the next point.

2. He Helped the Heat Become the Nation’s Second-Best Team
The over/under from myriad sportswriters on Heat championships immediately after “The Decision” was probably around 2 or 2.5. How quickly we forget. His first year in, he was part of a young, new team that were two wins away from being champions. Call this a failure if you must, but most players should be so lucky. This is not a now or never situation. Second place is frankly higher than I would thought they would be. With that much talent and pressure from not only the playoff environment, but the haters out there, I would view this season as a success. Of course, if you’re good enough to get there, you’re good enough to be disappointed when you lose, but that’s a fan’s mentality. The LeBron detractors aren’t fans, so that doesn’t apply. They are focusing on the fact that he (they) lost to one team, rather than admitting they finished better than 30 others.

1. He’s Not That Bad of a Guy
People are really hating Lebron right now. Sadly, the hate for LeBron specifically and the Heat in general is about 3x as prevalent as the love for the Mavs. Which is unfortunate because it diminishes what the Mavericks did. (Full disclosure: I’m from Dallas and an enormous Mavs fan.

As some of the points above indicate, the backlash isn’t really about statistics or even reality, but rather just hate. People hate Lebron because they want to hate him. Which I suppose is as good a reason as any, but the fact is, I don’t really think he deserves it. He’s had the misfortune of making a few very high-profile mistakes recently, but none were made out of anger or malice. He’s a big dumb kid. I’m pissed that he hasn’t grown up faster and become as special as he’s capable of being, but I don’t hate him for it.

The decisions he’s made are misguided at best and stupid at worst, but he’s not a bad guy. “The Decision” was (I assume) the result of bad handlers and probably some pressure from ESPN. The “Welcome Party” I’m comfortable laying on the Heat. Hell, his decision to play for the Heat was just the result of a 25 year-old kid wanting to play with his friends in South Beach. I don’t think it was a good decision, but I’d say the punishment as meted out by the court of public opinion far outweighs the crime.

When Dirk Nowitzki made LeBron James and Dwyane Wade eat his sh*t their words by leading the Mavs to a victory in Game 5 after the Heat duo mocked his apparent Game 4 “flu,” we asked them to “tell us how Dirk’s ass tastes?”

After winning Game 6 last night and capturing the 2011 NBA Championship title, the Dallas Mavericks’ DeShawn Stevenson had a similar question of his own to ask:

“Hey LeBron!  How’s My Dirk Taste?”

That was the question written on the shirt Stevenson decided to don following the Mavs’ 105-95 victory in Game 6 last night.  After leaving American Airlines Arena, the Mavs decided to hit up Miami’s Club LIV where the party continued and Dirk proceeded to chug from an $80,000 bottle of Ace of Spades Champagne.

As for LeBron, he went home heartbroken.  If a finals loss and his girlfriend’s possible affair with Rashard Lewis weren’t enough, he now has Stevenson’s shirt to think about.  The only thing that could make life worse for LeBron at the moment was if we could somehow get Delonte West into the studio to begin recording “Hey LeBron! How’s My Dirk Taste?”

Hat Tip – [CBS Sports & ESPN]

Recently, there’s been a lot of hate on the Heat, culminating in last night’s Finals loss to the Dallas Mavericks. Some of it was deserved, and some simply piled on because expectations were so high. Well, they have a few months to lick their wounds, get back to gelling and prove to the skeptics that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Or even 82 nights. Case in point: They made the NBA Finals and were two wins away from being crowned kings. Not bad. But many seem to need reminding as to why these guys aren’t a flash in the pan, or, even worse, a failed experiment. Take a look.

9. They Are Young
Wade is 29 years young and LeBron just 26. There’s not a whole lot of need for analysis here. Wade is at the peak of his career and LeBron is (hopefully) approaching his. Meanwhile, the Lakers age, the Mavericks age, and the Celtics really age. The young talent of the Heat just got hit with a jarring dose of experience. They principals should find this dovetailing nicely with the apex of their physical development.

In short: they’re young and good.

8. They’re in the East
East isn’t bad, it’s just not as good as the West. Consequently, Miami will have a pretty easy go of advancing in the playoffs than if they had to make the run in the more difficult and taxing west. That’s right, I’m talking about a never-developed Magic squad, the geriatric Celtics, and the quite-legit Bulls. While the best team usually wins the championship, you have to take into consideration one team’s more leisurely stroll into the Finals.
 
7. The Lakers Are Getting Worse, The Heat Are Getting Better
Of course, there’s no denying that the Lakers weren’t the contenders that knocked off Miami, but they were certainly the team most feared going into the playoffs. There’s a handful of reasons I toss around the complex scientific phrases ”getting worse,” and “getting better,” but none are particularly earth-shattering, but rather just stray observations. Gausol fell apart. Kobe’s getting older, but no less clutch. Kobe’s expectations of a banner team from the Lakers next season are probably a closely guarded secret. Miami’s fast, Lakers are tall. Well, “fast” seemed to give the Mavs more fits than “tall,” so don’t expect the Lakeshow to stick with last years strategy.

Meanwhile, while Miami didn’t get as far they would have liked, they gave the eventual champs perhaps one of the greatest Finals matchups in recent memory.

6. Chalmers Is Exhibiting “Big Shot” Potential
Don’t make me go into specifics. It would be like asking me to illustrate when and where I received all 73 of my gnat bites when I went camping last month. I don’t know details about him and don’t feel I need to. The guy is an offensive pest in the most complimentary sense of the term. He stepped up in the Finals, hitting half-court buzzer beaters and enough open threes to have Mavs fans scream “who does this guy think he is?” He’s not gonna star on the Heat, but his play is reminiscent of Robert Horry, who probably has more of a positive corollary of team success to his involvement than any other player in basketball history.

5. Dwayne Wade Is Still The Fastest Slasher in the League
Dwyane Wade has a few shortcomings. He pulls dives and acting jobs that would make an Italian soccer player blush. His durability ranks about halfway between Kobe’s and Tracy McGrady’s. The dude gets injured more than you would like. And he kind of acts like a big, dumb kid sometimes, and the only person that could keep him in check is another big dumb kid in LeBron James. However, he’s the fastest player down the court and perhaps the fastest one from the arc to the rim. He will be next year, and while he didn’t have many chances to prove how clutch he has been, he has demonstrated that he’s the type of superstar that raises his game in the playoffs.

4. Dwyane Wade Will Realize, Beyond Any Doubt, That He’s The Leader of This Team
Chalk the first year up to growing pains. Made all the more impressive by the fact that Chris and Dwyane and LeBron took their squad all the way to Game 6 of the NBA Finals. I would hazard a guess that most teams would consider Miami’s run more than just “character-building.”

Early in the season, BronBron explicitly said that the Heat would remain D. Wade’s team. Well, it should be pretty clear that James wasn’t just offering up lip service. LeBron hasn’t shown himself capable to be the leader of this team. While this may sound like more of a negative than a positive, the fact remains that it was the case all year, so it’s best to just make your piece with it, barring a serious behavioral departure by the King. So both parties will hone their roles both on the court and off. Both players are too nice to seriously threaten each other.

3. Erik Spoelstra Is 41
I don’t bring up his age to talk about durability or the distant future but rather to simply illustrate that the guy is really young, so don’t expect him to be firing on all cylinders just yet, especially with the myriad problems inherent to housing three superstars on a court. Now, I’m not saying he’s the best coach for this team: frankly, I think he’s far from it. But, that question is moot. As it will stand next season, Spolestra will be the coach and he will enter the season older, humbler, and wiser than he was yesterday. Which is good, because he got drastically outcoached in the Finals. To be fair though, Carlisle was coaching circles around everyone for the playoffs.

2. Just…LeBron
He certainly didn’t blow anyone away with his performance over these playoffs; rather, he just looked “reliable” and “tough.” Not the hallmarks of the Basketball Messiah. However, the old adage goes that if you see two sprinters that run the same times, though one has poor form and one has good form, you take the one with bad form, because once you train him the good form, he’ll be even faster. LeBron hasn’t shown perfect form. I’m not guaranteeing that he’ll reinvent himself a la Kobe with the post moves, but between the hell he took last summer and the hell he’s going to take starting about two hours ago, expect the pressure on him to force him to put some teeth into his game.

1. Their Problems Are Solvable
Is the ceiling on Bosh’s success too low? Would he serve the Heat better as a player for hire with another team, benefiting both Bosh and ownership better than if they’re taking one of the NBA’s top talents and shoved him into a position that was destined for no more than an 14-10-6 every night. Solid numbers, but Bosh would be able to soar much higher with a weaker team. I’m not saying it would be the C. Bosh show, but right now his two biggest opponents are perhaps the blue-chip players on his team.

LeBron James

Last night they were at it again, this time mocking Dirk Nowitzki prior to Game 5 after he claimed to be playing with a 101-degree fever during Dallas’ 86-83 victory in Game 4.

So how did Dirk respond to this jab from the Heat’s “Big Two”?  Exactly how you would expect him to.  Twenty-nine points, six rebounds, three assists and a crucial Game 5 victory.

Hey LeBron and Wade.  Tell me how Dirk’s ass tastes!

P.S. We’ve got to get Shaq into a studio to record that song immediately!

Hat Tip – [Ball Don't Lie]

It may not have been Dirk’s best offensive output of the season.  Heck, last night’s performance may not even fall into his top ten from this year’s playoffs, but with the implications as high as they were, the German forward responded with 29 points, six rebounds and three assists.  As for his most important stat of the night, that would be the one win that he and the Mavs recorded, as their 112-103 victory in Game 5 now gives them a 3-2 series lead.

After dropping their first game at home in the 2-3-2 seven-game structure, many thought the Mavericks didn’t stand a chance.  However, back-to-back wins have now taken them from down 2-1 in the series to up 3-2.  With the scene shifting back to Miami for the final two games, the outcome of this series is far from determined.  The Mavs’ recent surge has certainly helped their chances, but they are still one win away, and as any coach will tell you, the fourth win is always the hardest.  Thankfully, they have a guy named Dirk Nowitzki on their side.  Once again, he showed what he is capable of on the big stage last night, and as a result, he earns our “Stat Line of the Night” for Thursday, June 9, 2011.

Dirk Nowitzki

That is our round-up of last night’s action on the hard court.  Scrumptious Soda also has a round-up of their own.  Here it is.

Hat Tip – [The Score]

ESPN may be “The Worldwide Leader in Sports,” but they also appear to be the worldwide leader in headline fails.  Their latest fail came following the Dallas Mavericks Game 2 win over the Miami Heat on Thursday.  With Dirk Nowitzki helping the Mavs come back from a 15-point fourth quarter deficit, the only thing the people at ESPN could come up with for a headline was “Just the tip.”

…Seriously?

With Game 3 of the NBA Finals set for tonight, I wonder if anyone will be going “balls deep” or “sneaking it backdoor.”