Should Romo play on Monday, those are the materials that he will be using to protect his broken ribs and punctured lung, which he suffered during last week’s game against the San Francisco 49ers.

The people at Impact Gel demonstrated the effectiveness of the flack jacket that Romo is expected to wear during the important division match-up, and if the following trial run is any indication, the quarterback will not only be protected against any hit to the ribs he takes from Hall during the game, but he will also be safe from any disgruntled, bat-wielding Cowboys fans.

We’ve been previewing the 2011 NFL season for weeks now, it seems, and enough it enough. Now that the first full weekend NFL football is complete, it’s time to step back, take stock of everything that’s transpired, and figure out what these various outcomes portend for the remainder of the season. In other words, yes, it’s time for some predictions.

But in this observer’s opinion, there’s no point in playing it safe when it comes to forecasting what’s to come. I say if you’re going to make a prediction, be bold. So that’s what I did in compiling this list—I made 9 bold but perfectly logical predictions for the rest of the NFL season based on the first week’s outcomes. If I had a million dollars (I don’t), I’d divide it nine ways, head to Vegas, and place sizable bets on each one of these babies, because they’re all locks.

9. Pittsburgh will go 0-16

The Steelers were utterly embarrassed by the Ravens on Sunday, losing by a final score of 35-7. Pittsburgh turned the ball over an incredible 7 times, including 2 fumbles by sexual predator Ben Roethlisberger. Now, some may say this game was just a fluke, and the Steelers will regain their form and go on to contend for the Super Bowl like they do every year. I say no. It’s clear to me that this was an act of karma coming to bite Big Ben in the ass. Pittsburgh will go 0-16, losing games in preposterous ways no one ever thought possible (e.g. Roethlisberger’s pants falling down right as he’s about to throw to a wide-open receiver in the end zone on the last play of the game).

8. Tony Romo will quit football to focus on golf

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo proved over the weekend that the “Curse of the Bimbino” is real. You can’t just date Jessica Simpson for a season and expect everything to go back to normal. On Sunday, Romo was doing just fine for himself and the Boys through the 3rd quarter. Then the you-know-what hit the fan. In the 4th quarter, Romo completed only 5 of 12 passes and gave up 2 interceptions, including one when the game was tied in the final minute that led to the Jets’ winning field goal.

I think there will be two or three more weeks of this kind of nonsense before Tony finally gets fed up and quits football so he can focus on making the 2012 U.S. Open.

7. Buffalo will set the all-time record for points in a season

The sad-sack 2010 Buffalo Bills averaged 17.7 points per game in going 4-12. They lost to the AFC-West champion Kansas City Chiefs 13-10. This year, in the opening game, they beat those same Chiefs 41-7.

What can we take away from this result? Obviously, the Bills are dramatically improved and have become an elite offensive juggernaut. They will probably go 15-1, their only loss being a wild shootout to the Tom Brady-led Patriots in either week 3 or week 18. Along the way, the Bills will set the all-time record for points in a season with about 600. It’s a sure thing; call your bookie.

6. By week 18, St. Louis will loses 48 of 53 players to injury

In their week 1 shellacking at the hands of the morally impaired Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles, the St. Louis Rams lost three key players to injury: sophomore QB Sam Bradford, Welkeresque receiver Danny Amendola, and stud running back Steven Jackson.

Unfortunately for the Rams, this is a trend that is likely to continue. By the final week of the season, St. Louis will have lost somewhere between 40 and 50 players to injury. As a result, by the end of the season they will have been forced to sign the entire roster of the Arena Football League’s Iowa Barnstormers. (But they’ll probably still beat the Cleveland Browns in week 10.)

5. Cam Newton will be the next governor of North Carolina

The impressive rookie debut of Cam Newton with the Panthers on Sunday (422 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT) means he is probably already the 12th most popular man in North Carolina (after the starters on the UNC and Duke basketball teams, and Mike Krzyzewski). A couple more weeks like this and he’ll be the most beloved guy in Charlotte before you know it. I predict that the citizens of North Carolina (a “red state”) will get fed up with current governor Bev Perdue (D), run her out of office in a recall, and elect Cam Newton the new governor by mid-December. (Of course, Cam won’t last long before he’s impeached on three counts of bribery and misuse of office—though he’ll claim it was all his dad’s fault.)

4. The Detroit Lions will win the Super Bowl

Hey, the Lions finished last season on a hot streak, going 4-0 down the stretch, beating Green Bay, Tampa Bay, Miami, and Minnesota to finish the season 6-10. Then they came out and beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27-20 in the first game of the 2011 season. With five wins in a row, I’d say all signs point toward “team of destiny” status for this beleaguered franchise. So I’m gonna beat the rush by proclaiming right here and now that Detroit will win Super Bowl XLVI. When this prediction comes true—and it will—tell your friends you heard it here first.

3. Jay Cutler will become the most popular sportsman in Chicago

Jay Cutler (the football player, not the bodybuilder) was one of the most hated sports figures in Denver prior to 2009. Then he was traded from the Broncos to the Bears, and he became one of the most hated sports figures in Chicago. He is so hated, in fact, that even when he suffered a legitimate injury against the Packers in last year’s NFC Championship Game, people were calling him soft. However, Cutler is off to a tremendous start this season. Against the Falcons on Sunday, he was 22 for 32 with 312 yards, 2 TD and only 1 INT. Obviously, Cutler is in the zone, now, and will lead to Bears back to the playoffs this year. Unfortunately, he will lose in the NFC Championship Game again (this time to division rival Detroit). But Cuter will play through a broken leg, two severed fingers on his throwing hand, and a nasty case of pneumonia, endearing himself to Bears fans and making him a Chicago sports legend.

2. Tom Brady will shatter single-season QB records for TD, yards

The record for most touchdowns in a single season was set in 2007 by Tom Brady himself. His 50 beat Peyton Manning’s 49, which had previously beaten Dan Marino’s 48. However, the record for most passing yards gained in a season, 5,084, still belongs to Dan Marino—though Drew Brees’ 5,069 in 2008 gave Marino a pretty good run for his money.

But none of this will matter at the end of this season because, based on what we’ve seen this first week, Tom Brady will surely obliterate these amazing records. His 4 TDs against the Dolphins Monday night proves he will almost certainly have 64 TDs by the end of the season, which will beat his old record by 14. Meanwhile, his 517 passing yards clearly indicated that Brady will throw for somewhere between 7,000-8,000 yards for the season, which will beat Marino’s record by at least 2,000 yards (but probably more).

I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve done the math, and this is indisputable.

1. Indianapolis will bring a legendary QB out of retirement

It looks like the Colts may have to endure a big chunk of their season without all-time great QB Peyton Manning. After the dismal performance against Houston by their backup, poor Kerry Collins, the blogosphere is abuzz with talk of who Indy might go out and get to replace the injured Peyton. Of course, the first name that anyone brings up is everyone’s favorite pathological re-retirer, Brett Favre. But after that whole “took a picture of his dong and sent it to a reporter” incident last year, I think the Colts will be looking for someone with better character. That is why I think it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that they will bring none other than Dan Marino out of retirement to fill in for the injured Manning. Yes, he’s 49-years-old, but he’s hungry for a ring, so it just might work.

You want to know why some people say pro golfers aren’t really athletes? Because when other athletes need a vacation from the sport they normally play, they play golf. Now, understand, I’m not saying pro golfers aren’t athletes. That’s just the reason why some other people might say it. On the other hand, one might argue that if you don’t have to be a good athlete to be a great golfer, why are so many pro athletes so damn good at golf? And you have to admit, this is a pretty valid point.

Of course, none of this explains why pro athletes love to play golf so much in their free time. All we know is, when the season is over, they hit the links. Pick any of the four major pro sports leagues in North America. Toward the end of a season, if a team is in danger of being eliminated from the playoffs, the announcers on TV will say stuff like, “if they don’t win tonight they’ll be playing golf next week.” It’s true, because they all play golf during their offseason like it’s going out of style.

This got me to thinking, and this thinking led to a theory: an athlete’s prowess on the golf course ought to be inversely related to his success in whatever sport he plays normally.

In other words, if an athlete is always playing late into the playoffs, then he won’t get as much time out on the course, and he won’t be as good a golfer. But if he plays for a team that’s never all that good, he might be a really great golfer.

To test my theory, I made this list of the best currently active athlete golfers. Have a look, and judge my theory for yourself.

(The number in parentheses next to the athlete’s name is his handicap.)

11. Derek Lowe (3)

Well, right off the bat we have a guy who definitely makes my theory look weak—on the surface. Yes, Derek Lowe has played a lot of extra baseball during his career with the Red Sox, Dodgers and Braves. But you have to remember, he’s a starting pitcher. He only plays every five days. In between starts he has to throw bullpen sessions and work out, but I bet he can squeeze in at least one round of golf. That would explain Lowe’s excellent 3 handicap (which means, all things being equal, he has the potential to shoot about 3 over par on a good day).

Oh, and in the photo above, that’s Derek Lowe on the right, pictured playing golf with along with Johnny Damon, David Wright and, for some reason, Donald Trump.

10. Drew Brees (3)

Drew Brees hasn’t been regularly reporting his scores in recent years, but he and others who know his game estimate he’s about a 3 handicap these days. While he does not hurt my theory, he doesn’t really help prove it, either. He has had success in recent years (winning the Superbowl is as successful as it gets), but that 2009-2010 season was the only extended run he’s had in the NFL playoffs. Earlier in his career, he got to play golf from early January straight through to July.

9. Kyle Lohse (2.9)

Starting pitcher Kyle Lohse’s has had plenty of time to whittle his 2.9 handicap. He’s played for winning teams over the years (Minnesota, Philadelphia, and now St. Louis), but somehow has not managed to get a lot of playoff action. In the offseason he lives in Scottsdale, AZ, and most days can be found at Whisper Rock Golf Club.

8. Derek Anderson (2.8)

On a good day, you can expect Derek Anderson to shoot between 2 and 3 strokes over par. How did the NFL quarterback get so good? Well, I bet playing for the Cleveland Browns and Arizona Cardinals helped a lot. Lord knows this guy has never even sniffed the playoffs.

7. Adam Wainwright (2.5)

Adam Wainwright helped the Cardinals win the World Series in 2006 as their fill-in closer. Since then he’s become one of the most dominant pitchers in baseball, but has only been to the playoffs one other time—and his Cardinals were swept in three games by the Dodgers. Combine this recent history with the fact that Wainwright grew up in a temperate climate (coastal Georgia), and you can understand how he might have gotten to where he is today: a brag-worthy 2.5 handicap.

In the above photo, that’s Wainwright patting his teammate and golf partner, Albert Pujols, on the head. I guess you can do that when you’re a star pitcher. Don’t try it if you’re a rookie.

6. Nick Punto (2.3)

Utility defensive specialist infielder Nick Punto may not be a baseball superstar, but his 2.3 handicap means that, no matter what team he’s playing for, he’ll probably be the best golfer in the clubhouse. Of course, at the moment Punto plays for the Cardinals, making him the 3rd Redbird to appear on this fairly short list. If I were a Cardinals fan, I think I would find this somewhat disconcerting.

5. John-Michael Liles (0.8)

As you can see, there is a huge gap between numbers 6 and 5. We’re clearly moving into elite athlete golfer territory. High-scoring NHL defenseman John-Michael Liles played golf in high school, so he clearly has an advantage over other pro athlete golfers, who often don’t begin honing their skills until their filthy rich and can afford expensive greens fees and instruction from golf pros. Playing for the Colorado Avalanche, Liles played in the NHL playoffs 3 out of his 6 pro seasons. But now that he’s been traded to the Toronto Maple Leafs, he can pretty much plan on being out on the course every year by mid April.

4. Jamie Langenbrunner (0.8)

NHL vet Jamie Langenbrunner, currently of the St. Louis Blues, is the first athlete golfer on this list to do any real harm to my theory that an athlete’s golf prowess is inversely related to his success in his primary sport. In his 15-year NHL career, Langenbrunner has missed the playoffs only 4 times. I mean, talk about a winner. Yet somehow he’s managed to craft a ridiculously good 0.8 handicap.

3. Nate Roberts (0)

Well, here at #3 we have our first scratch golfer. This means that, all things being equal, you can expect Nate to shoot par on his good days. We also have our first active athlete who is not from one of the major North American sports leagues. You see, Nate is a World Champion freestyle skier and a U.S. Olympian. While this makes him a top athlete for sure, he plays a winter sport. Yes, he probably trains like crazy in the offseason when there isn’t snow, but the summer still gives him plenty of time to work on his golf game.

2. Liván Hernández (0)

Earlier in his career, Liván Hernández had some memorable playoff moments (most notably with Florida when they won the Series in 1997), but he has only played in the post-season 4 out his 16 big league seasons. Since it’s pretty unlikely he developed his 0 handicap as a child growing up in Cuba, we’ll have to assume that all that extra time off throughout his pitching career is the main factor behind his exceptional golf game. (In case you’re not a baseball fan, Liván is the guy on the left in the above photo.)

1. Tony Romo (plus-3.3)

Cowboys QB is the only active pro athlete with a plus handicap. That means, on a good day, he can be expected to shoot between 3 and 4 shots under par. So Tony is an excellent golfer as well as an excellent NFL quarterback. Of course, his Cowboys have never done particularly well while he’s been their starting quarterback, so more often than not he’s been able to hit the links a months or so earlier than guys like Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. But whatever the explanation, there is no denying Tony Romo is the best active pro athlete golfer.

Source

Here they are.

Hat Tip – [Larry Borwn Sports]

Who the hell is Aaaaaag, and what did he do with Tony Romo?

I am not a Dallas Cowboys fan, but this still worries me!  What happens if this Aaaaaag guy turns out to be the second coming of Troy Aikman or Roger Staubach?  What if he suddenly transforms the Cowboys from a team plagued by mediocrity over the past decade or so, into a Dynasty?

I’ll tell you one thing though.  He sure does look a heck of a lot like Romo.

Eli Manning opened up the game with 2 interceptions and before anyone had time to blink, the Cowboys were up 20-7.  That’s when Eli began to have his way.  He would throw 4 touchdown passes in the 2nd and 3rd quarters alone and with the help of a swarming Giant defense, he moved his team to 5-2 and a strong lead in the division.  Eli went 25/35 for 305 yards.  He threw 4 touchdowns and was intercepted 3 times.  His quarterback rating was a sterling 100.4.  He had some help from the running game too, with Ahmad Bradshaw rushing 24 times for 126 yards and Brandon Jacobs going 12 times for 75 yards and a touchdown.

The Giants season has taken off after a slow 1-2 start.  While the defensive line has been credited with the turnaround (they have knocked out 5 quarterbacks now!), Eli is quietly putting together a very good season.  With the NFC as weak as it is, the Giants may have their eyes on a bigger prize this year, but for now Eli will have to settle for “The Stat Line of the Night”.

How hard is it to find likable athletes? Harder than you would think. I’m sure there are many out there, but the best of the best usually end up making headlines off the field for all the wrong reason. To the players’ credit, the media and readers would seemingly rather read about a sex scandal or weapons charge than they would about a player’s hobbies or charitable works, but nonetheless, the guys on this list stand out as people you would want to hang out with even if they weren’t star athletes. Well, maybe not Tim Duncan, but he seems like a really nice guy anyway.

10. Tony Romo
While he was castigated in the public eye during his relationship with Jessica Simpson, all evidence points to Romo being a pretty decent guy. He handled the whole relationship with about as much poise and class as anyone can be expected to during the tabloid era, and was even able to keep his cool during TO’s temper tantrums in Dallas. He even manages to pull off the whole backwards hat/”just havin’ fun out there” attitude without being too corny about it. He’s the kind of guy you’d grab drinks with, if only to get him drunk and ask him how Jessica is in the sack.

9. Chris Paul
Carrying the weight of a team in a distressed city is a tall order for anyone, let alone a 22 year-old, but Chris Paul has been comfortable as a representative of New Orleans both on and off the court. Nowadays it looks like his future there might be up in the air, but the work he’s done in the Big Easy, along with his family values demonstrate that Paul seems to have zigged everywhere LeBron zagged, which has seemed to work out pretty well for him, especially in light of recent events.

8. Steve Nash
The fact that Nash is one of the few athletes that gets an annual request from David Letterman to appear on the Late Show (Dave apparently isn’t a fan of interviewing athletes) should tell you that not only does this guy have good character, but he’s one of the most interesting players in the NBA, equally comfortable discussing Nietzsche or banging Nelly Furtado and Elizabeth Hurley (sadly, not at the same time.) A true renaissance man.

7. Josh Hamilton
Clearly this is a guy who hasn’t always been constructed from the best moral fiber. A few years back he was robbing his family for crack money after squandering away an extremely promising baseball career, he has clearly turned his life around despite a couple high profile relapses in recent years. Even those he handled with dignity and did not skirt. He may go a little heavy on the Jesus talk every now and again, but it clearly helped him get to where he is today and away from who he was in the past, so we’re willing to cut him some slack. I’d say this is a guy you would want to grab a beer with, but…you know.

6. Dwyane Wade
Unlike a teammate that will go unnamed, Wade never seemed to interested in developing a larger-than-life persona around himself. While he clearly remains the leader of the Heat, he does so with a quiet confidence that doesn’t reek of desperation like that same unnamed teammate. He gets on the court, gets his job done, maybe has time to swing by the studio and tape a T-Mobile ad with Barkley, then goes on with his life. It shouldn’t be such a big deal that Wade remains more leader than showman, but it is something of a rarity today. As for results, he was able to lead the Heat to the 2006 title (with a little help from the refs), and we’ll see if he can do it this year with LeBron’s huge personality and, um…Chris Bosh’s nonexistent one.

View 10 Athletes Who Might Not Be Douchebags 5-1

Ndamukong Suh may not have played his first down of NFL football, but he is already the league’s hardest hitter according to ESPN’s Sports Science.

This is a pretty cool show and the Ndamukong Suh segment is excellent. But there isn’t a person out there that watched this and didn’t burst out laughing when the host said, “Incredibly, over 20 yards, this 300-pounder is flat-out faster than Tony Romo.” I’m faster than Tony Romo. You’re faster than Tony Romo. This skateboard punk is faster than Tony Romo. Carmelo Anthony sleeping is faster than Tony Romo. So while the show is great, they might need a new writer.

They also don’t come right out and say that Suh is already the hardest hitter in the NFL, but his hit was harder than that of Ray Lewis. And when you hit harder than Ray Lewis, you are definitely The Man when it comes to big hitters.

But don’t get excited thinking your team has a shot at Suh. He’ll be going #2 overall, or maybe even #1 if the Rams sour on Sam Bradford.

Hat Tip Video – [UnathleticMag]

Tony Romo

You know what the most amazing thing about this video is?  That he didn’t fumble the mic when it was handed off to him.  Hopefully Romo knows the Cowboys playbook better than he does the words to that song.  We all know what Jerry Jones thinks of Romo’s performance.  It’s nose-picking good. Nose-picking is considerably more fun than listening to Romo sing.  We also know how choked up Romo can get at times.

That was probably exciting for Romo, but maybe the Cowboys will bring T.O. back for one more season.  Now that would be exciting. Believe it or not, they need some more star power down in Big D.  And I’m not talking about big haired, heavy metal cover bands.  Of course The Boys did win the divisi0n last year so maybe they don’t need to add much.  Either way, the locker room will be better if Romo just talks and doesn’t sing.

Burger King and Fox’s NFL pre-game show gave viewers an inside look at what goes on inside the always interesting Dallas Cowboys locker room (when they are not busy singing) in this weeks edition of “The King and Us.”  Needless to say, Jessica Simpson size, Tony Romo‘s knack for choking, and Wade Phillips‘ job security were all topics of discussion.

Cartoon versions of Marion Barber and Jason Witten kick things off by poking fun at Jessica’s weight issues, and Phillips joins in with some verbal jabs towards Romo and his big game blunders.  But the best part just might be when Jessica enters the scene hand-in-hand with Kyle Orton stating “I only lose weight for winners.”  So does that mean we should expect Simpson to grow exponentially as long as she is with Redskins backup quarterback Colt Brennan?

As for the Rex Ryan comparison to Octomom, you can only hope the Jets head coach is taking that one as a compliment.

Hat Tip – [NBC DFW]