9 Coaches Who Should Call It Quits
We live in the era of www.fire_____.com (fill in the blank with your local sub .500 coach). Since that’s the way it is, and considering the amount of effort it would take to change it, who am I to buck the trend? Besides, didn’t Al Gore say that his primary motivation for inventing the internet was so that he could institute a change in the Tennessee Volunteer coaching ranks? It is with that in mind that today we present to you 9 coaches who should call it quits.
9. Lane Kiffin
Most thirty-five year old coaches are just trying to get their first crack at an assistant coaching role. Lane Kiffin is getting ready to tackle his third head coaching gig in as many years. He’s already a journeyman head coach and he has only been legally able to rent a car for ten years. So why do we think he should hang it up already? Well, considering his post-Raider behavior has made Al Davis start to look sane, it’s more a question of where do we start? He bailed on Tennessee after naming his son Knox (sorry kid) and claiming he was there for the long haul. Then he bolted for SC even though he wasn’t on their top three list of candidates because it was his “dream job.” Well, dreams can turn to nightmares awful fast when the NCAA decides to make an example out of you, which is exactly what they are doing at USC. Lane, take our advice and call it quits. Besides, that hot wife of yours can only be neglected for so long before the ballboys start to look real attractive to her.
8. Lou Piniella
Yeah, we know this is his last season, but maybe he shouldn’t wait that long. Lou is one bad call away from a life-ending heart attack. As a fan, I don’t really have a problem with this. As a human, I kinda do. I already had to watch umpire John McSherry die on opening day in 1996, and I don’t necessarily need to see it happen again. That said, Piniella’s outbursts are amazing. Managing the cursed Cubs only makes things worse. When you have Carlos Zambrano taking orders from Sweet Lou you know things are going to get hot, and losing streaks can’t be far behind. If Lou was coaching the Yankees he wouldn’t be on this list, but when baseball’s definition of futility is the team he manages, we can’t in good conscious not recommend he hang ‘em up ASAP.
7. Jim Schwartz
When you are the head coach of the Detroit Lions you have no choice but to do some serious soul searching to find out how you ended up there. Was there no high school coaching job available? The local JUCO didn’t need an offensive line coach? Was this the only option on the table? Maybe Jim Schwartz is a great coach, but unfortunately we’ll never know because he coaches the Detroit Lions. The good news is they already went 0-16. The bad news is that the league is likely to be expanding to 18 games.
6. Tom Cable
The Cable Guy is in way over his head and everyone knows it. The head coach of the Raiders is nothing more than a hand puppet to Al Davis anyway, so what would Cable have to lose by stepping down? Other than a feeling of being a helpless patsy, not much. In fact, he may even discover something he hasn’t felt in a long, long time. A sense of purpose in this world. But Tom Cable isn’t one to give up that easy. After all, he is the one that started Jamarcus Russell all those games in a row. So don’t expect him to leave the Raiders without being stabbed in the back by Al Davis, and I don’t mean that symbolically. He will likely have to literally be stabbed in the back by Al Davis to leave the Raiders.
5. Jerry Jones
The time has finally come for Jerry Jones to quit coaching the Cowboys. George Steinbrenner stopped managing the Yankees and they rattled off an epic run of World Series titles. Why would anyone think that America’s team couldn’t do the same without Jerry Jones getting in the way? At least, that has to be what Wade Phillips is wondering after lucking into the playoffs last year and looking down the barrel of another stress filled year under the overly-watchful eye of Jerry Jones. To his credit, he did build that giant TV screen that keeps fans in the stadium from bothering to watch the game. However, it has yet to distract enough attention away from the fact that he is a terrible owner when it comes to meddling with his coach’s affairs.
4. Charlie Weis
What are you expected to do if you are an elite collegiate athlete and this fat ass tells you to work harder? You are expected to bite your tongue because he used to be the offensive coordinator for Bill Belichick, but there’s only so many orders you can take from such a fat f*ck. Unless Weiss can lose about 100 pounds, he needs to call it quits and focus on not weighing over 300 pounds. That, and he sucks as a coach. While at Notre Dame, all he did was lose to USC every year and make NBC’s once lucrative TV contract look like a bad idea. Will he do any better with KC? Could anyone? Get with the program Charlie! And put that burrito down!!!
3. Richard Williams
Who? Richard Williams, father of Venus and Serena, that’s who! So why is he on this list? Because he’s already hit on his meal ticket and it’s time to sit down and have some meals. Both of his daughters grew up to be champion tennis players and make obscene amounts of money. He should be on a Caribbean island right now, not on a hot court working on backhands with his daughters. At this point, what does the coaching really do for anyone other than send some cash his way and possibly make his daughters worse tennis players? I don’t know the answer, but I have to figure it is “not much.” So instead of making them worse and allowing Croatia, Sweeden or whatever other country is producing the top female tennis prospects, maybe it’s time you finally hire a professional coach so your daughters can go back to kicking the sh*t out of every overmatched b*tch they see on the court. Got that Richard?
2. Phil Jackson
C’mon Phil, you’ve got the record. Red Auerbach rolled over in his grave and you credited a Zen mentality for all of your success. You have more than enough money and you are banging Jerry Buss’ daughter. What more do you need? Do you really want another season of Kobe busting your chops, Odom rolling late to practice with his camera crew and awful Kardashian wife and Ron Artest screaming about how “he got Wheaties!” every day of the week? In short, you don’t. If you win, it was what you were supposed to do. If you lose, you were a fool for coming back. Like it or not, that’s the way it is, so take a page out of John Elway’s book and ride off into that sunset with a championship banner tucked under your belt and a huge Zen doobie tucked tightly inside of the banner. You know, just in case you need some herbal assistance in finding that ever elusive inner peace.
1. Joe Paterno
Ah, good ol’ Joe Pa. Twenty-five years ago he was relevant, but twenty-five years ago he was 58 years old. Ever since then he has led a long, slow decline of a once prominent NCAA football powerhouse in a once dominant conference. His legacy somewhat mirrors that of the rust belt state that he made his name in. The unwillingness to be progressive and cling to the old way of doing things has crippled the American Midwest. This very same mentality has crippled the Nittany Lions football program for years. Sure, Joe Pa is an institution, but all worthy institutions eventually know when it is time to step down and pass on their legacy. Paterno may have been blessed with many skills, but unfortunately for the students and alumni of Penn State, knowing when his time is up isn’t in his DNA. Unfortunately, staying alive long enough to destroy Penn State’s program forever may be.