9 Douchebags You’ll Find At a College Football Game
College football is awesome. College football fans… not so much. It’s fine to root for your alma matter or adopt the hometown team in a non-NFL city like Norman, Baton Rouge or, say, Los Angeles. However, with college football fans there is a line of douchebaggery that is crossed with great frequency. On the other side of this line you will find all kinds of d-bags, but today we only have time to highlight the top nine. They are as follows:
The Frat Boy
He’s young, he’s dumb… and he is absolutely shit faced. He is mumbling Greek letters non-sequentially as he spills draft beer all over the row in front of him. He has opted to remove his shirt and write “Kappa Alpha” in his chest with catsup. He has what looks to be someone else’s vomit on his pants and also appears to have pissed himself. He loudly declares that he’d rather be watching a game of beer pong, and then, with almost no warning, passes out cold on the concrete steps. Then the game kicks off and one of his “boys” repeats the above sequence until they run out of dudes or the game ends, whichever comes first.
The Dean’s Lister
Nerds and football go together like strippers and Coke… that is, Coca Cola (minus the Jack). It’s a combination that is unnatural and out of sync with the order of the universe. However, that doesn’t stop it from happening. Look, nerds have every right to attend a college football game. However, they need to respect the rules and do it as a member of the band. Dean’s Listers sitting in the student section pontificating about the probability of onsides kick recoveries versus traditional kickoffs have no business being there. They should be in their dorm room, duct taped to a chair and enjoying the game with a piss bucket at their feet and a bag of flaming shit warming the room. You know, the way God intended it.
The Wealthy Alumnus
This guy earned his degree, went out into the world and made something of himself. He has donated thousands of dollars to the school and has his name engraved in some plaque outside of one of the science buildings. He is also a huge douche. From the neatly combed hair to the cardigan sweater all the way down to the leather overpriced Gucci loafers this guy screams a-hole. He is bothered by every little thing and heaven help you if you dare try to cross his row to go to the bathroom. He remains seated during crucial fourth-down plays and calls for those in front of him to sit down. If you end up anywhere near this guy, do yourself a favor. “Spill” your beer on his shoes and watch as he comically freaks out and refers to the price he paid for his footwear as, “More than you’ll ever make in a month” while patting them down with his wife’s scarf. Then head off to find another seat before security arrives because this d-bag will press charges.
The Bench Coach
This guy may be the worst of all. You can’t really pick him out of a crowd and won’t know you’re dealing with him until it is too late and you are sitting near him. Every play is loudly second guessed. If they run the ball and it goes for no yards, he’ll point out that they should have passed. If a pass falls incomplete, he’ll gloat about how he would have called a running play. You don’t even want to know what he does when a double-reverse fails to gain yards. He probably coaches a Pop Warner team or an 8-man freshman squad at some religious high school. In his mind, this gives him all the authority he needs to dictate to everyone around him how the home team’s coaching is flawed. Next time you encounter this guy, try this – tell him that you firmly believe in safety blitzes, illegal men downfield and punting on third down. Then calmly hold your ground as he tries to explain the flaws in your logic until his head eventually explodes. Then enjoy the rest of the game in peace.
The Sorority Floozy
Usually douchbags tend to be guys, but the Sorority Floozy breaks gender barriers. She beer bonged a 40 of Mickey’s outside the stadium gate. Then she offered to blow a hot dog vendor to impress her friends with her ability to get “free meat.” She doesn’t know where her seat is so she sat in your section instead. She constantly shouts out “Whoo!” at inappropriate times and has a piercing, cackling laugh that makes you want to take the cushioned seat cover from the lady next to you and shove it down her throat so that she can no longer inhale the oxygen required to make that awful sound. She travels in a pack of ten girls exactly like her, which may keep the hot dog vendors happy but makes for a miserable game day experience for you.
This kid just turned 18 and had his first beer a couple of weeks ago. Now he’s a raging binge drinker and sitting right behind you. He kicks your seat, drops food on your head and speaks at a volume two times louder than necessary. Your request for him to get his feet off your seat, quit spilling food and shutting the f*ck up fall on deaf ears. He continues to not pay attention to the game and go on and on about how awesome Keystone Light is. It is only a matter of time before he chucks right onto your head so you have no choice but to find a security guard and tell them that he made a bomb threat. Sure, he’ll be unable to defend himself and might end up with a federal charge that haunts him for the rest of his life, but at least it will teach him a valuable lesson about controlling his liquor.
The High School Dropout
He is a common sight at SEC games and an embarrassment to the universities that he chooses to support. This toothless, illiterate waste of a social security number has more school spirit that half the actual student body, but only one tenth of the IQ points. He is so dumb that he might not even be intoxicated, but his behavior is worse than The Lightweight, Frat Boy and Sorority Floozy all in one. He harasses the coeds, threatens to fight the guy who points out that he is sitting in the wrong seat (reading aisle and row numbers has never been his strong suit) and eats unfinished nachos of the fans around him off of the ground. He spits, cusses and screams horrible obscenities about the mothers of the opponents team within earshot of small children. But it’s not his fault, he didn’t get an ed-Jew-cation like all them other people out there.
The Intramural Football Player
This guy probably has his intramural jersey on, a football in his hands and constantly states that he would be playing quarterback for the team if it wasn’t for the head coach and all his politics. Sure, he’s only 5’8 and about a buck-twenty but it ain’t about the size of the player, it’s about the size of his heart. After all, he just lead his team to an 11-2 season that ended with a heartbreaking loss in the Intramural Flag Finals. He is quick to point out that although the teams were coed, they team that beat them only had two girls and should have been DQ’d for a rules violation. After all, the rules clearly state that each team must have a minimum of three females to compete. Then he goes into great detail about the process of protesting games in the league and how it’s all politics anyway. He is a douche, there is no doubt about that, but he may be the most tolerable on this list because his pathetic existence can’t help but to make you feel better about yourself.
This douche is one of the worst of all time. He has absolutely no knowledge of how football works, he chooses to broadcast all of his asinine opinions non-stop throughout the game and he gets paid a shitload of money to do it. The worst thing about him is that even if you are not at the game in person and choose to watch it on TV, there is a very good chance that you will still have to deal with this d-bag throughout the entire game. It’s the worst. However, he offered this gem a few years back when talking about a black quarterback in the Pac 10: “You know, you have to like this kid… an outstanding young man. He speaks well, and you can really understand him when he talks to you.”