9 Athletes with a Ridiculous Amount of Kids (Legitimate and Otherwise)
Is it Father’s Day already? No. It’s not. But it’s always fun to talk about pro athletes knocking women up. So rather than have Xmas in November, let’s have Father’s Day in November and commemorate nine guys that just…well, there’s no way around it. These guys have a TON of kids. Some legit, most not. The details on illegitimate kids are fuzzy due to disclosure agreements, and we don’t want to go around (further) sullying these guys’ names. Not wanting to go on a Woodward and Bernstein-type investigative exploration, we stopped at the confirmed kids, but feel free to let your imagination run wild. The rankings are largely in order of number of children, with an exception being made for Scott Skiles. You’ll see.
9. Larry Johnson
Grandmama was no lady off the court. The number one pick from UNLV sired five kids from four lucky ladies, who currently are getting royalty checks from Converse and “React Juice” sent straight to their houses, circumventing the middleman. He hasn’t made any headlines or fathered any kids since retiring with back problems in 2001, which I guess is something of a success for a guy that has more than a few bastard kids running around.
8. Charles Rogers
Five children with four women. He impregnated two women before leaving high school, which is something I never had the joy of doing in prep school. However, he had the misfortune of a) being a pretty big screw-up, and b) playing under Matt Millen for the Lions, who was kind of a screw-up himself. His biggest statistical achievement during the NFL was popping out his fifth kid, which almost matched the total number of games in which he played (15). If this list was a “kids per paycheck” list, he would be the grand champion. As it stands, he’s just a really horny dude that played football for a minute.
7. Marshall Faulk
Six children with four different women is pretty impressive, I guess. Embracing his role as the “anti-Kurt Warner”, Faulk was busy drilling for yardage both on and off the field, but still lags Travis Henry in the “bastard children” stat line. However, as much sex as Henry is having in prison, it is unlikely that any of it will result in children, leaving the door open for Faulk to get his freak on during his retired years.
6. Shawn Kemp
Kemp is confirmed to have fathered seven children with six women, though the number of both children and women is assumed to be higher. This intriguing statistic begs the question, “Who was the lucky lady that was able to draw Kemp back for seconds?” Was she a poet? Did she teach autistic kids the therapeutic values of classical music? Was it Drew Barrymore? Historical records are sketchy, but, sadly, he or she did not find true love, as they are no longer together. Kemp was a hard-working father, though. He continued to provide for his children long after his NBA career ended, when he was found with cocaine, pot, and a pistol. It’s too bad we have to wait 7 months to dole out a retroactive father of the year award.
5. Kenny Anderson
Seven Children from five different moms, three of which were girlfriends (interpret that how you will) and two were from good ole’-fashioned wives. We can probably assume that he’s not married to more than one of the wives at press time, unless he’s starting a “Sister Wives” type reality show. Anerson boasts two baby mamas of note: Tami Akbar, “star” of Real World: Los Angeles, and Spinderella from Salt n’ Pepa, who presumably never got around to talking to Anderson about sex.
4. Scott Skiles
When you read that Scott Skiles has at least six kids, you say to yourself, “I’m not surprised. Mormons have a lot of kids.” When you learn that Scott Skiles has at least six kids out of wedlock, you run the range of human emotions that Brad Pitt does at the end of “Se7en,” which culminates in chucking your laptop against the wall because everything you know in this world is wrong. He will be coaching until he can’t hold a clipboard with that many mouths to feed. There’s a joke to be made about Skiles being the record holder for assists in a game (30), but I’ve got enough faith in you, the reader, that I’m not going to spoon feed you one. Have fun with it. That’s what the comments are for.
3. Evander Holyfield
A boxer with children out of wedlock? My faith in humanity is shaken. He has nine kids out of wedlock and two with his current wife, making him…extremely fertile. In keeping with boxing law, Holyfield has filed bankruptcy after one baby mama, Toi Irvin (related to Michael Irvin in my mind) has sued him for non-payment of $3k per month child support, and the bank foreclosed on his $10 million Atlanta mansion. The worst part of this whole story is that he can’t even donate his ear for money. Get it? Cause a rapist bit it off! Comedy!
2. Travis Henry
Variety is the spice of life. Having sired nine kids by nine women, (reports of eleven are unconfirmed) that’s apparently the credo that Travis Henry, recipient of our TPS “Spreading Your Seed Award” lives by. He also lives by the skin of his teeth, as his lawyer had estimated that he spends $170k per year in child support payments. As such, it’s no surprise that Henry decided to moonlight as a cocaine money man. It’s also no surprise that he got caught, as athletes make for awful, awful criminals. Aside from a ten-year sentence, he got hit with about $4 million in fines. Thank God he saved all his money from the NFL. What’s that? Oh. Snap.
1. George Foreman
Foreman has eleven kids, which is impressive. And kind of crazy. All six of his sons are named George, with the suffixes II, III, IV, etc. It’s also pretty clear that Foreman doesn’t TOTALLY understand naming conventions and suffixes. Oh well. Aside for the high number of offspring and the insane use of ordinal numbers in naming his male offspring, it seems that George can distance himself from other characters on this list by being a father that doesn’t make headlines with illegitimate children or faulty parenting, so name your kids whatever you want, George. You seem to be raising them okay, as far as we know.