9 Athletes Who Need Their Own Reality Show
Athletes are not, by and large, interesting people. It’s not their fault – most people aren’t interesting. However, some athletes warrant a closer look for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they’re awful (see directly below), crazy, wildly entertaining, or just too good to be true. I wouldn’t wish a reality television show upon my worst enemy. Good thing these folks aren’t my worst enemies, they’re athletes. They exist solely for my entertainment and should be exploited as such. Seems reasonable, right?
Is he constantly fed popcorn by his women? How discouraging would it be to everyone if his life was filmed and it turned out that he was actually a pretty cool guy? America needs to know more about A-Rod if we’re going to keep up our hatred of him. It would be a lot harder to hate the guy if we knew that he spent Saturdays in the off season making little model trains and wearing a conductors hat. And, of course, there’s the whole rumor that he has a painting of himself as a centaur over his bed. (A rumor that I’m totally willing to believe and makes me like him about a thousand times more than I did.) A reality show could teach us so much. Like why his lips are purple and how one of the world’s most hated men is able to date the world’s most famous actress.
8. Usain Bolt
HerThere are the things I know about Usain Bolt: He’s the fastest man in the world. He’s still the fastest man in the world when he beats his chest and shows off for the crowd. Uh, yeah, I’d like to know more about this guy. Does he act like that at church? Are there things he does really slowly? Perhaps he’s a slow eater, or he files his Jamaican income taxes late every year because he just can’t find the time.
I don’t know why, but I feel like my life would be substantially better if I knew for a fact that Usain Bolt drove an early-80’s conversion van. I can’t explain why. It’s just how I feel.
7. Tom Brady
One gets the feeling with Tom Brady that this isn’t a guy that screws up a lot. He’s not going to drive into downtown Boston for dinner, then, halfway there, realize that he forgot his wallet and start hitting himself in the head, yelling “Stupid, stupid, stupid” while Giselle rolls her eyes. But he does screw up. He has to. And I think it would make all men feel a little bit better if we could see him do it. Like flooding the toilet or realizing that he left the keys in the front door when he came home. Not asking for the world here, just something to remind us that we’re not ENTIRELY different from this man who can seem to do no wrong.
6. Doug Christie
It’s been a while since this guy was relevant, so let’s revisit this dude. He was a professional basketball player. A guard that made a name for himself on the Sacramento Kings. That’s the boring part. His career was pretty unspectacular.
What was spectacular was the extent to which this dude was whipped by his wife, Julie. While dribbling up the court, he would make hand gestures to her (over 50 per game) that conveyed things like “I love you” and “I’m thinking about you.” Never mind that he should have been a little more concerned with what happens if the defenders switch on the high screen that’s about to be set for him, a pro basketball game is not the venue to express your love for your wife. She would travel with him on road trips and wouldn’t let him speak with female reporters because she feared the temptations of the pro athlete lifestyle.
They actually did have a reality show on BET in 2006, but I’m calling for another one, post-retirement, to check in on this happy couple, since no one watched the first one since: a) it was on BET, b) it took place during the nadir of his career. Let’s see what’s cracking with the Christies now that he doesn’t have basketball to distract him at all from his overbearing wife. Does he still make those hand signals while he mows the lawn?
5. Brett Favre
This reality show would just exist to tie up loose ends, like they failed to do towards the end of “Lost.” The program would just serve to address a bunch of superficial stuff, as I don’t think Brett Favre is a particularly dynamic individual off of the football field. However, I would like to know if he wears Crocs frequently, or just when he’s taking pictures of his dong. Also, I would like to know if he owns a bunch of stuff that isn’t made in America. In my mind, Brett Favre only buys American. I could see him paying three times as much for a substandard television, only because it was born in the USA. There would also have to be an episode where he has to go back to Green Bay for some reason. Maybe they could just have him stand on the street while the championship parade goes by. Like I said, not looking for anything terribly important here, just want to get a little more insight into the former Mr. Football.
4. Tiger Woods
The public has really moved on from this guy, and it’s a real shame. I’m not asking for a boring Newlyweds-type reality show, but rather a Bret Michaels-type dating show. After all the unpleasantness over a year ago, we still don’t know Tiger’s type except for “women.” Specifically, “blonde.” How would he do if he dated a woman that made more money than he did? Granted, that would have to be Meg Whitman or J.K. Rowling, but still… Also, America deserves to know what he REALLY thinks of Buick.
3. Andy Roddick
We’d call this show “Brooklyn Decker by Proxy.” Andy Roddick doesn’t strike me as a terribly interesting person, but we’d gladly put up with him for 30 or 60 minutes per week just to revel in the sheer awesomeness of his wife. This show is a serious no-brainer. Men everywhere could watch Brooklyn microwave soup and be enthralled. And if the cameras had to follow her on her swimsuit shoots, then so be it. It’s all in the name of art. For the sake of the show, they could cut back to Andy every twenty minutes or so and see how he’s doing on the couch or maybe just cut to footage of him sleeping for thirty seconds, then get back to Brooklyn rubbing lotion on her legs or something.
2. Park Sung Hyun
What? You don’t know who Park Sung Hyun is? She’s only the world’s best archer. I have known that for all of 23 seconds, since I googled “who is the world’s best archer.” We really don’t need a reality show for many of the more mainstream athletes. We know how pro football and soccer players live. They live well. They enjoy their fame and money. As well they should, but it’s not exactly a compelling story every time around. Which is why I propose we get better acquainted with the likes of Mrs. Sung Hyun. Nobody knows how a professional archer lives. She may or may not lead an interesting life, but it’s probably different than Mark Sanchez’s. If it’s not different than Mark’s life, then Mr. Sanchez should probably go about living his life a little better. Weird “athletes” like this ought to be documented just because, at some point in their lives, their dumb little skill will come in handy in a practical situation, and it will validate their entire existence. I can’t for the life of me think of an instance when archery or lawn bowling would come in handy (for archery, maybe killing a bear, for lawn bowling, never), but I’m sure it’s possible.
1. Charles Barkley
I could watch or listen this guy read the ingredients off of a cereal box, so it stands to reason that I could spend some time every week watching him do more interesting stuff. As fun as it is to watch the Chuckster interact with others, the purpose of this show would be to watch him do stuff on his own. There’s no chance in hell that Sir Charles doesn’t spend at least an hour a day talking to himself. America deserves to see what he has to say while he’s alone. What does he yell at his Ikea dresser when he finds out that he lost three of the screws? My guess is he calls it a stupid turkey, but we’ll need the reality show to know for sure.