9 Worst Types of People to Watch a Game With

Watching sports on TV is a special kind of dynamic. No two games or scenarios are the same on their own. Add a different mix of people and you’ll never get the same result twice. However, that doesn’t mean rules can’t be established from the types of people who suck the fun out of the room faster than Charlie Sheen…(insert topical joke here). Well, here’s a field guide to the guys that torpedo a good time watching sports faster than…(insert other Charlie Sheen joke here). Blah, blah, blah….Winning.

9. The Guy Just Rooting for a Close Game
This fan isn’t a bad guy, it’s just that, understandably, if he has no stake in either team’s success, he might as well just root the best entertainment he can find. I get it entirely. I do this too. The Jazz are playing the Pacers in the NBA Finals? Well, you better believe I’m rooting for a fun, close game, cause I don’t care who wins or loses. But to invested fans, this person is the devil. It’s the equivalent of sitting near your wife who is in critical condition while some dude sits nearby saying, “Well, buddy…ya win some, ya lose some.”

Okay, that dude’s worse than the guy rooting for the “good game,” but only by a little.

8. The Surprise Expert
This guy really only reveals himself during obscure sporting events, so keep an eye out during derbies, prizefights, the Olympics, and, to a lesser extent, the World Cup. It’s very clear that this guy read a preview article on the match or possibly is just making everything up, but you KNOW that he doesn’t actually know what he’s talking about. He will talk about how Boxer 1 won’t make a move on Boxer 2 until 2 drops his right after he gets punched out, even though you’ve known the guy for 14 years and you’ve never seen a match with him and know he doesn’t box. Normally, this character flaw runs deeper than just casual sporting events, but it’s not the end of the world. Just tune him out or don’t invite him.

7. The Hardcore Dude
This is my least favorite type on the list. While passion is admirable, if you’re really going to be pissy when your team is down by 10 at halftime, and you have to step outside, or punch the pillow in a serious fashion, you should probably stop watching sports, cause you’re missing the point and creeping out the people who just want to enjoy a game. It’s not life or death. Get upset, curse, yell, but then get over it and enjoy the company of the people around you. And if you can’t do that, try not to ruin their afternoon by acting like your childhood pet just died. Please.

6. DVR Guy
DVR is a magnificent invention, but its usefulness in sports broadcasts is extremely limited. The network will do most of the heavy lifting on replays, thank you very much, so go easy, pal. Also, for the love of God, don’t be the guy that records the game then starts it 15 minutes late so that you can skip the commercials. Why? Because here’s what’s gonna happen: It will go fine for about 20 minutes, then you will skip over to another channel where other people will see the live score of the game that we’re lagging 20 minutes behind on, and we’ll know what the score will be in 20 minutes, which takes the wind out of our sails, to say the least. Further, it’s not fun knowing you’re not watching a sporting event live. Hands off the DVR.

5. Incredulous Guy
This guy can never believe what he’s seeing. This guy’s go-to argument is that the refs are on the take, which probably isn’t happening because this isn’t 1914 Chicago. Your team is losing because they aren’t playing as well as the other team. Stop making excuses. Or at least make them in your head. He can’t believe the coach ran the same play twice in a row. I can. If the coach runs a play, it’s not like the other team immediately defaults to running that play again. It’s part of a strategy thought up by better sports minds than you, good sir. So shut up deal with the way your team is playing like a man.

4. The Guy Who Wants to Watch Another Game
This gentleman REALLY wants to watch game two of the College World Series while you watch your hockey playoffs. Never mind the fact that he is attending a party that had engraved invitations sent that read, “Cheer on our Whalers as the take on those rotten Minnesota North Stars.” (This party took place in 1989, in case you were wondering). So naturally, time should be split equally between the eight hockey fans and the guy how will just DIE if Texas A&M doesn’t steal this game from Oklahoma State. This guy will request that you flip to his game only for commercials, but any hint of action will cause him to request you leave his game on for one more second. Don’t be a victim. Tell the guy to go to hell early and often.

3. Commercial Guy
This guy just likes commercials way too much. Upon hearing maniacal laughter when returning from the bathroom, you will ask what’s so funny. He will then spend three minutes explaining that the hot wives in the beer commercial didn’t want their husbands going to the lingerie party, so they built a wall. However, the men, not too be outdone, constructed a catapult to fling themselves over the wall and into Eden.

If that was as boring for you to read as it was for me to write, then imagine listening to a three-minute version while you’re trying to watch a game. This guy sucks.

2. Guy with Kids
I’ll keep this brief. Kids are great to be around if a) you are a child yourself, or b) you have kids, and you want your kids to play with the other kids so you can get four minutes of downtime without being pelted with questions. Kids are attention-craving little monsters that are cute in five-minute stretches. Anything more and it’s game over. So tell your friends to leave their kids at home, or, failing that, in the car with the windows cracked.
1. The Center of Attention
This guy may not have bad intentions, but he’s a killer. At the risk of stating the obvious, when people get together to watch the game, they get together to watch the game. Not to lavish their attention on Mr. Funny Guy or Mr. Big Shot. It’s hard to tell these people to shut up, even if they’re friends, but it has to be done. Don’t get me wrong – I probably want to hear about last night’s conquest or how you sunk that pontoon boat in high school. But I don’t want to hear it during 3rd and goal with six minutes left. The game’s the star, and all the entries on this list distract from the game, but with this guy, it’s not just incidental. It’s on purpose.