9 Athletes Who Could Steal Your Girlfriend Without Even Trying

Pro athletes are living the dream. They get the money and the fame, which often translates to women. And like in athletic competition, the game that these guys lay down can differ as well. That’s why the guys you see on this list aren’t necessarily the most successful athletes, but rather the ones you need to keep your eye on. Using different parts looks, charm, fame, and success, these guys are gunning for our women. All of them. They must be stopped. So in order to achieve maximum vigilance, I made this list. You’re welcome, men.

9. Steve Nash
Nash plays against type here, which makes him a standout. While most athletes play up the macho aspect of their profession, Nash would make some tea and watch “True Blood” with a woman while his teammates are racing their H2’s and making it rain at some sort of gentleman’s club.

He’s just as at home with a Pinot, watching the State of the Union as he is (was) dishing the no-look to Amare. And he’s Canadian, so he’s got a certain exotic, mysterious quality that women just respond to.

Last but not least, he was name-checked in a Nelly Furtado song. That’s like getting an “unlimited ass” license, promiscuous boy.

8. Michael Phelps
You can run with iced-out chains, a watch the size of a dinner plate, or you can have 14 gold medals draped around your neck. Sorry, Gucci Mane, but Michael Phelps has you here. Also, more woman have probably seen his abs than Beckham’s and Ronaldo’s combined.

Lest they think he’s some uptight jock, he has a documented history of smoking pot, which opens up the “everyman” angle. The fact that he’ll probably score six more golds next year in London rounds it up to a nice even 20. You don’t stand a chance.

7. Sean Avery
He’s the bad boy. By which I mean “complete and total douchenozzle a$$hole.” He’s been bounced around the NHL, he speaks ill of his exes, and he’s among the most hated players in the league. But since he spent two months as an intern at Vogue in NYC, you’d think he was the second coming. Great, you like fashion. Women’s fashion. That’s a little weird, but fine. Does it all of a sudden make you the most eligible bachelor? Nope, but try telling that to the fashionistas, and you’ll get a Birkin bag upside the dome. The devil wears Prada, indeed.

6. Bode Miller
This downhill skier doesn’t have the fame, or possibly even the looks of these other entries, but he parties like a rockstar, which means that he will take your girl, completely unconcerned with decorum, get her drunk, probably make love to her (not “make love,” but, you know…) on the hood of YOUR car, then hit her up for cab fare for later. Then he’ll buy you a beer, and you’ll still think he’s a cool guy. Those guys are the worst.

5. Tiki Barber
I’m pretty sure this dude could chat up a fire hydrant. He’s got that silver tongue, as well as an established persona through both his early career as a player, and his later one as an analyst/host, so the only thing he need concern himself with is which girl he wants. Not a bad spot to be in. Also, women pretty much only see him in suits these days, which doesn’t hurt his cause. I’m wearing a suit right now, but I’m on my couch typing onto a laptop with no one around. If a tree falls in the woods…

4. Roger Federer
Tennis! Accent! Handsome! Successful! Exclamation points!!!! He’s like James Bond but with a much better net game. He’s a spokesperson for Rolex. Do you know how hard it is NOT to get laid when you’re a spokesperson for Rolex? I’m guessing it’s on the verge of impossible. Even when I watch him play tennis, I find myself drifting off, thinking about meeting him after the match, at which time he opens my door to some weird Ferrari that isn’t out yet, then we drive to some black tie event in Monaco while listening to Jamiroquai. It’s a very specific day dream. Shut up. Only God can judge me.

3. Tom Brady
Blah, blah, Gisele. Arf arf arf, 3-time Super Bowl champion. Yadda, yadda, yadda, All-American looks. I don’t have anything to say here. Yeah, he’s good looking. Yeah, he’s one of the most marketable athletes in the states. Fortunately, he probably won’t steal your girlfriend unless Gisele gets hit by a polo horse or something.


2. Lamar Odom
He’s a good guy, he’s good looking, and he’s quite successful. None of that matters though. He’s involved with a Kardashian, on a reality show, which makes him Prince William to many strange, strange women throughout this fair land. He also married the, uh, thicker Kardashian (it’s either Khloe or Kourtney, but I’m ashamed enough to have been able to narrow it down; I’m not going to look it up), so women see the big heart inside of him. He’s not just about looks. Though, according to some TPS correspondents, there is concern as to his reluctance to do the dishes even though it was his turn. That was a reference to the reality show that hopefully none of you got. I feel dirty.

1. Lance Armstrong
Game, set, match. Who would say no to him? He’s one of the most famous athletes on the planet, good looking, inspirational, and pretty damn cool. At the very least, a woman would hang on to him like grim death in the hopes of meeting Matthew McConaughey or the Wilson brothers.

Relations could get a little strained if they went on a pleasant bicycle ride together, but other than that, it’s safe to say that Armstrong’s yellow jersey(s) are about as powerful a fashion statement as any well-tailored suit.

Special thanks to Ashley on this list for schooling me on what a girl wants, what a girl needs, whatever makes her happy, sets her free.

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