9 Most Delusional NFL Fanbases
All serious sports fans are delusional to some extent. Do you think that anyone put any rational thoughts into being a Winnipeg Jets or Charlotte Bobcats fan? No, of course not. They made that decision because they’re probably geographically close to that team’s city or liked the colors as a kid, or had a favorite gambling-addict uncle that took them out for ice cream when the Sooners covered the spread. So to create a list of delusional NFL fan bases is a bit of a fool’s errand. Common sense doesn’t factor into painting your face or putting a foam block of cheese on your head.
Interestingly, 97% of NFL fans throw their weight behind teams that won’t win the Super Bowl. And about 66% of fans support teams that have no earthly chance of winning a playoff game any given season. So let’s look past the stats and find the delusional fans that are fooling themselves for other reasons. Oh, and before everyone starts bitching about this list without actually knowing what the word “delusional” means, you can click here to find out.
America has largely lost interest in its team, but the Cowboys fans still drink the Kool-Aid, carrying on with their Romosexuality, when they could probably stand to act a little more Romophobic. As long as Jerry Jones is running this team (which is tantamount to the remainder of Jones’ life) every decision will be not only rooted in pragmatism (which is good), but also pride and ego (which is bad). Also, rational people can only cheer for depraved individuals before their illicit off-the-field behaviors make you not only want to give up, but straight up vomit.
Rex Ryan isn’t really fired, but since the firing of the Jets GM, he, just yesterday, hightailed it out of town for a personal trip and won’t be addressing the media until Jan. 8th. So while the premise of my main instance of Jets fan delusion may not be in place for long, it is right now, and since I’m not part of the Jets front office, I’ll leave the speculation elsewhere. Rex Ryan has a wife that starred in some foot fetish videos a year or two back. And Rex seems to have appeared in the videos as well. This is all very personal and his sexual tendencies and turn-ons would normally be no one’s business but their own. But a foot fetish has some strategic implications in a coaching strategy that can’t be ignored. Will it make him more likely to punt on 4th and 3 on his opponent’s 40? Will he go for the PAT for the tie, rather than the two-point conversion with Tebow in the wildcat? You want delusional? Thinking that a man with documented foot fetish isn’t going to overuse punts, field goals, and 3rd-down quick kicks is delusional.
New York Jets
Browns fans are delusional because they think that the normal cyclical nature of other teams’ success (which probably resembles something of a sine curve) at all applies to their team. Their team wavers from terrible all the way up to “bad.” Depending on how lucky their perennial B-/C+ quarterback decides to play that year. In 25 years, the best these guys have done is Bernie Kosar, with Derek Anderson possibly giving him a run for his money almost a decade ago.
The Packers fans are among my favorite fans in sports. They are incredibly loyal, overwhelmingly positive (from what I can tell), and while they may not be the most fit lot of fans in sports, they are able to take their passion for their team and somehow not use it to throw batteries concealed in snowballs at the other team’s sideline. That said, it’s extremely cold in Wisconsin during football season, and I once heard a rumor about a group of die hard fans that would wear diapers so as not to miss any action. To put a finer point on it: Thinking that wallowing in your own fecal matter and urine is an appropriate price to pay to cheer on your team is batsh*t delusional.
Green Bay Packers
Your team doesn’t love you back. Your team will leave you at the first opportunity to get with a better city with a nicer stadium. (Substitute “girlfriend” for “team,” “city” with “man,” and “stadium” with “car,” and you’ll see why this unrequited love flies in the face of the facts.) Fortunately, the Jaguars only have about 17 fans, so it’s not such an epidemic as it is with other teams. Oh, and let me go on record as saying the Jaguars are moving to LA.
Oakland’s fan base is delusional because they haven’t turned themselves into the police. In case my point is somehow lost on you, what I’m implying is that everyone associated with the Oakland Raiders is a criminal that suffers from myriad delusions, such as thinking that they are entitled to the contents of an old lady’s purse, that stabbing a Taco Bell manager in the kidney with a screwdriver is an effective manner of providing customer feedback, or that JaMarcus Russell reporting to summer training camp is a good sign.
Norv Turner’s official firing earlier this week might be a step forward, but the truth remains that a fan base that could get behind his brand of batpoop crazy clock and team management for so long has demonstrated a pretty powerful brand of delusion, and this long-time coming act of killing the head coach indicates that a sole act of sanity after so long doesn’t mean they’re cured. The fact that these fans live in San Diego and spend their beautiful Sundays watching a mediocre team instead of surfing on the beach or day drinking or day dreaming on the beach.
San Diego Chargers
Your defensive coordinator is leaving, your stadium is falling apart, and its repair is subject to an arbitration case between the team and the convention and visitors bureau. Your team hasn’t had a winning season in 10 years, and that’s not looking likely to change because the revolving door of QBs would leave everyone but the Browns blushing. And if Florida falls into the ocean, like so many of us know it will, your team could be the next up to move to LA.
St. Louis Rams
The most delusional fan base for the 14th year in a row goes to fans behind the Fresno Zephyrs. Of course, there is no such team as the Fresno Zephyrs, so any fan who would support such a fictional manifestation is far, far, far more delusional than a fan who thinks that Romo has the composure to take the Boys into the late rounds of the playoffs. If you seen anyone wearing a Fresno Zephyrs tank top, or telling you they can’t go out to your lake-house because they've gotta catch the Zephyrs game, these people are truly delusional, and all the entries here are just silly fodder for a self-indulgent list.