9 NFL Coaches Who Probably Won’t Have Jobs Come January
That’s right. This list is GUARANTEEING that every coach you see on this list will not only be fired from their respective teams come January, but will also fail to find gainful employment in any other walk of life, be it vending machine repairman, roofer, Secretary of Health and Human Services, or even CEO of Apple. These men will be fired. And there’s nothing you or anyone else can do about it. This is their fate. Don’t try to change it.
Just kidding. But there are some truly bad coaches in truly bad situations which will begin to make themselves clear in about two days when the season kicks off. I hope they get to keep dental insurance during their transition period.
On any other team, it’s probably safe to say that Jason Garrett wouldn’t have been kept around long enough to even make this preseason list, but no other team has the megalomaniacal Jerry Jones at the helm, calling the shots, and sticking to his guns no matter what the practical implications. Sooooo…let’s just say that Jason Garrett should be in trouble were he working for a sane, rational individual. But, he works for Jerry Jones, the guy who paid Tony Romo roughly $675,000,000 this season to take snaps for the ‘Boys. So there’s really no accounting for this one, but Garrett is feeling the heat from just about everyone else in Dallas and fans across the nation.
9. Jason Garrett
Ryan, though, by most accounts a pretty likable guy, has a number of obstacles between him and the Jets coaching job in 2014. His team has stunk (which is pretty much true of every coach on this list) to the tune of 8-8 two years ago and 6-10 last year. The Jets GM isn’t the same guy that hired him, meaning that the front office may feel a little less invested in an under-performing coach who wasn't “their choice.” And his contract’s up in 2014.
8. Rex Ryan
After inheriting an 0-16 team, there’s really nowhere to go but up. However, when a marked improvement the following year then leads to a huge backslide (the team dropped it’s final 8 games after going 4-4 last year), ownership, management, and especially fans seem to have a pretty short memory. Even Lions front office VP Bill Ford has admitted that Schwartz has “learned on the job.” This isn't an internship. Schwartz is in trouble barring a big leap forward.
7. Jim Schwartz
Owner Bud Adams, at 90 years young, isn’t screwing around this season. He wants to win and wants to win now. Adams fired his COO after last season’s ten losses. It’s a safe bet that there won’t be another grace period for Mike Munchak, especially after the steady decline of the last two seasons.
6. Mike Munchak
After having achieved some success in the early 2000’s, Oakland has found itself stuck in a rebuilding effort year after year after year. I am of the belief that this can be 100% attributed to JaMarcus Russell showing up superfat to training camp. That rebuilding effort will carry on for the foreseeable future, and not even the death of tyrant Al Davis a few years back can do much to help the head coach of Oakland.
5. Dennis Allen
On a list like this, when I’m claiming that 25% of the NFL’s coaching force will be fired (which is completely outlandish), I’ve gotta go ahead and make a few hail mary stabs. The same way low expectations can benefit a coach in a decision year, so too can high expectations hinder a coach. I’m not saying that his job’s in jeopardy, but Sean Payton’s star was burning brighter than most any other young coach’s in recent memory. Then he went away for a year. Which is troubling for a few reasons. It’s not like the team went away, so Payton’s going to have to cope with a lot of change in short time. Payton’s probably off his game, unless he climbed some mountain in Tibet to learn the ways of coaching from the ghost of Tom Landry. And people expect him to pick up right where he left off. He’s a great coach, but he’s in an odd position. And it could end with a very odd result either way.
4. Sean Payton (Long Shot)
Oh, Cleveland. If a coach was a toddler, then the Cleveland Browns head coaching position is a big bag of glass, needles, and knives. It’s his first head coaching gig, and he was just announced in January, but you really can’t underestimate the ability of the Cleveland Browns to drastically fail to meet even the lowest expectations, and thereby suck the soul out of their head coach. Chud, as I will now refer to him, has a promising running back, and a quarterback who was drafted last year at the age of 57 (I looked it up on Wikipedia.) He’s got a few things on his side, like his young age, known inexperience (strangely enough, this could help him keep his job), and a resigned fanbase and media. However, if there’s any team that could snatch the rug out from under him…
3. Rob Chudzinski
Potential can be a dangerous thing, especially when it leads to expectations. Such is the case with Ron Rivera and the Carolina Panthers. Rivera has led his team to 1-6 and 1-5 starts over the past couple years, and I don’t think that the front office will tolerate more than a couple losses right off the bat. The wildcard here is the development of young players Cam Newton and Luke Kuechley. If they can flourish, so may Rivera. If not…I wouldn't recommend he refinance his house just yet.
2. Ron Rivera
This person is not yet known, but when you consider who gets to make this decision, it’s likely that Jerry Jones will find his breaking point after years of patience with Garrett (is Garrett blackmailing him or something to remain coach?), and pull the trigger. Anyone the Cowboys promote from within will be a stopgap until Jerry can stew about long enough to make a decision on his own terms, rather than one he’s forced into. This may seem like a cop-out answer, but if there’s any likelihood that Garrett gets the ax midseason, there’s almost absolute certainty that his substitute will only be enjoying a few weeks or months of head coaching before getting back to propping up tackling dummies in the preseason.