Sure, there are tried-and-true methods of getting fit, such as jogging, weight training, and playing sports. They all work, and they are all pretty easy to do. (You own shoes and can step outside your front door, right?) But why keep your workouts simple and straightforward when you could make them complicated and pay lots of extra money to make them sexy?
And no, I don’t mean “sexy” as in flashy and new. I mean “sexy” as in literally producing sexual arousal or excitement.
Yes, these days we all know we need to be exercising more, but we’re also pretty lazy. So a great number of ambitious fitness “experts” have decided to try to sell fitness to us using the greatest selling point in the history of marketing: sex.
The result? A variety of “sexy” workout programs and machines designed to extricate money from your wallet in exchange for the promise of being hot and doable.
Want to see what I’m talking about? Then go on and click those little arrows and we’ll get started.
What we call "belly dancing" is called raqs sharqi in Arabic and was developed in the first half of the 20th century as an outgrowth of traditional Egyptian folk dancing. Eventually, of course, it became the iconic Egyptian folk dance—mostly because tourists just think it's a total hoot.
Anyway, some time around the turn of the century—this century, that is—someone had the brilliant idea to start belly dancing fitness classes. Not only would they provide women with a fun way to tone their abs, but they'd also teach them how to be super sexy. Win-win!
11. Belly Dancing
Regular (cold?) yoga is already kinda hot, what with the tight clothes and all the bending. Then Bikram Choudhury came along and invented "Bikram Yoga," a.k.a. hot yoga.
What is hot yoga? It's exactly what it sounds like: yoga in a hot (105º) room. The idea is that the heat loosens muscles and causes profuse sweating, which flushes toxins from the body.
The unintended consequence of hot yoga? Hotter yoga.
10. Hot Yoga
According to Wikipedia, vibration training is "a training method employing low amplitude, low frequency mechanical stimulation to exercise musculoskeletal structures for the improvement of muscle strength, power, and flexibility."
What does that mean? It means you do all your regular pilates-type strength training exercises while standing, sitting, or leaning on a a giant vibrating machine, and supposedly you get 4x the workout.
Of course, you can't talk about vibrating machines without sounding a little erotic. And in practice, when attractive people like this do vibration training...well, it's not not sexual, is it? In fact, at times it looks like she's twerking.
9. Vibration Training
Sometimes advertised as "Stiletto Boot Camps," this workout fad is just like a regular boot camp—squats, knee-lifts, rubber band training—only you do it all in stilettos.
Why? Ostensibly it's because, in stilettos, you* have to work harder to keep your balance, which theoretically should strengthen your core.
In reality, though, the whole point is just to be sexy—whether that means looking sexy in stilettos while working out, or learning how to be more stable on stilettos so you can look sexy outside the gym. Either way...sexy sexy sexy.
As you probably would have guessed, doctors are pretty against the idea of working out in stilettos. In fact, if you talk to orthopedists, they're pretty much against stilettos even existing. Because, you know, they're terrible for your feet.
And yet stilettos and stiletto boot camps exist.
* By "you" I don't actually mean you. I realize you are probably a man.
8. Stiletto Workout
Like yoga, aerobics was already kinda hot (depending, of course, on the practitioner). Then Carmen Electra came along and introduced the world to strip aerobics, which is where you do aerobics while pretending you are a stripper.
And no, this is absolutely not demeaning to women, say people who want women to pay them to teach them how to take exercise while taking their clothes off. It's empowering! They're owning their sexuality!
(In actuality, I'd say whether or not strippercising is "demeaning" depends on the individual's reasons for wanting to do it. Theoretically, sure, it can be empowering. It can help a woman harness and "own" her sexuality. But in actuality, it might just be a room full of women looking for ways to use their sexuality to snag men they feel they can't win over with their intellect. Maybe.)
7. Strip Aerobics
Pole dancing fitness: it's pretty much the last one, but with stripper poles.
A genuinely good workout? Absolutely. Possibly "empowering"? Yep. But always or inherently empowering? Proooobably not.
6. Pole Dance Fitness
And then there's lap dance fitness, which was just the next logical progression after the introduction of strippercising and pole dancing to the fitness world.
Why would any woman do this instead of just taking a spinning class? Because, according to Cosmo, riding a bike fast then slow then fast then medium then fast is notone of the 101 ways you can "spice up" your love life. Duh.
5. Lap Dance Fitness
In case this is your first time on the internet and you've never heard of the Kama Sutra, that's the ancient Hindu encyclopedia of sex. So "Kama Movement"? Yeah, you see what they're going for here.
Of course, as you can clearly see in the video, all Kama Movement really is is a combination of pilates and yoga (with a little extra hip thrusting thrown in) that explicitly purports to make you a better lover.
4. Kama Movement
Is this workout machine intentionally erotic? I don't know for sure. But if it's not intentionally erotic, that means it is unintentionally hilarious. And in any case, the Fitness Ace Power is definitely the third-best thing to ever come out of Korea (after Psy and Korean barbecue).
3. Fitness Ace Power
And don't you think for a minute that America would just sit by and watch the Koreans corner the sexy pelvic-thrusting workout machine market. No way, Hyun-woo. We've come up with our own erotic humping machine and given it a decidedly American twist by calling it the "Rodeo Core."
(Feel free to make your own joke about the sexual positions alluded to by the name "Rodeo Core.")
2. Rodeo Core
Yeah, you knew this was coming, didn't you? Unlike the Fitness Ace Power, this workout gadget absolutely had to be one giant joke. There's no way on earth this got to the market without anyone realizing what it simulated.
It certainly didn't escape the attention of the KTLA Morning News team, that's for sure. They did a whole segment on it, and it turned out to be the most awkward four minutes in the history of morning news.
Then again, they were just reporting the facts.
1. The Shake Weight
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