Do you realize that there was a time—not all that long ago—when you could go to a sporting event, consume an inordinate amount of alcohol, make a complete ass of yourself, and nothumiliate your mom and/or lose your job? Well it’s true. In 2003 only a handful of people had camera phones, and the images those things produced were terrible. Ten years later, everyone is carrying an HD video recorder around in their pocket at all times. And the result is that, if you get plastered and do something crazy, you will be on the internet.
Of course, despite the sheer volume of drunken shenanigans to be found on the web, there are always a few that stand out from the pack as truly spectacular. And today we’re honoring the drunken idiots that made a big impression on us in 2013.
Ready to laugh at a bunch of hilarious drunks? Okay then, follow me…
What can you say? Sometimes beer just makes you want to take your shirt off and lead your section in a dance number. We've all been there, right?
21. Dolphin Dancer
Normally this guy bangs his head to Megadeath, but apparently he's got nothing against The Venga Boys.
20. The Yankees Dancer
If this is what this guy did when the Ravens made the Super Bowl, can you imagine what he did when they won it two weeks later?
19. The Table Dancer
When he was a kid and his mom asked him, "If your friends all jumped off a bridge would you do it too," this Ravens fan answered, "uh, yeah."
18. The Jumper
Sometimes you cheer (and drink) so hard that you just pass right out.
17. Feeling Light Cheese-Headed
This chick made a huge splash (see what I did there?) this summer when she went for a dip in the Kaufman Stadium fountains. Later it came out that her name is Jessica McCoy, she's 25, from Iowa, and she lost her job at a bank because of this—which is to be expected, really.
You can see more pictures of Jessica's escapade here.
16. The Kauffman Swimmer
Okay, so maybe this guy wasn't even drunk. But if you were him, would you go around telling people this happened to you while stone-cold sober?
15. The Fall Guy (Mets Edition)
Now this guy is definitely hammered. And the guy holding the phone was super excited he caught this spill on video.
14. The Fall Guy (Vikings Edition)
When your team hasn't been to the postseason in 20 years, you don't want to pass up the opportunity to celebrate. And, when you get drunk enough, that means jumping in the Allegheny River.
(Don't worry, he lived. His name is Dean Pasztor and he's on Twitter.)
13. Mr. Allegheny
Okay, so this isn't one of those instant gratification clips. You have to watch and let it build. Sure, there's no single "punchline" moment, but how can you not love a guy who's so drunk that he's that clueless?
12. The Lost Ducks Fan
This was, without a doubt, one of the best fan fights of the year. Apparently this guy is a Cardinals fan who has just taken in a Cubs-Cards game at Wrigley.
Of course, it's still a toss-up as to what's more embarrassing: the drunk guy, or the dude in the background laughing like a little girl.
11. The Cardinals Pugilist
When conservative midwestern farmers think of New Yorkers, this is the kind of guy they imagine—a loudmouth drunk who's peed his pants.
10. Mr. Pee Pants
Well, that's insane.
9. The Branded Phanatic
This Washington State football fan simply was not satisfied with the rate of popcorn delivery via the conventional hand-to-mouth method, so he improvised.
8. Orville Redenbacher
Blue Jays fans quickly established themselves as contenders for the craziest, rudest, drunkest, and fightin-est in baseball this year. This guy was one of them.
7. The Puker
Who needs Bob Costas to put things into historical perspective when you can have three drunk Boston guys who barely remember when they were born?
6. The Red Sox Historians
I wouldn't mess with this little guy. Would you? He's probably been in a soccer riot or two in his day.
5. The Curmudgeon
Let's hope he ended up spilling the beer he was holding. From the looks of it, one more would have sent him to the hospital for a stomach-pumpin'.
4. The Giants Guy
This 45-year-old Newcastle fan was recently given a year in jail for punching this police horse named Bud.
Sounds fair to me. What kind of a**hole punches a horse?
Yep, the number one drunken idiot of the year is the Bears fan who ran into the pole while taking part in an ill-advised foot race on the sidewalk outside a bar.
If this were America's Funniest Home Videos he'd get a giant novelty check for $1,000,000. However, this isn't America's Funniest Home Videos, and I'm not Bob Saget. So all he gets is our sincere thanks for taking one for the team and giving us all a great laugh.
You're the best, drunken Bears fan!